I am not normally a negetive Nancy, but something has just been driving me insane lately. My husband got his divorce papers last week. I am nervous and emotional wreck. That's to be expected of anyone getting a divorce. I would sure hope nobody would be happy about getting a divorce even if it's to a bad person.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Response To An Article
I just came across a post on Facebook that tells you about ten good reasons not to marry your boyfriend. And I must say that that was one of the smartest and most extrordinary post I have ever read. If you would like to read it, the post is at Joleneengle.com and its named "10 Very Good Reasons Not To Marry The Guy".
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My Wife Problems
You know, it's days like today that make me wonder how I will get through. I see so many of my friends who are falling in love and getting married and some are starting tl have kids. It hurts so bad knowing that I cannot have that in a responsible way. I never had a wedding to show off and I didnt have a beautiful wedding gown or wedding pictures. I cannot be proud of my marriage since we have gone through so much and we never had a home or anything to call ours. I couldn't even keep our daughter alive and that kills me inside. I don't have a family to show for our 4 years of marriage. I feel like a complete failure because of that but also because I am a wife with no home to take care of or present to anyone. Part of my duty as a wife is to keep house and make it look presentable and homely. But how can I do that when we have no home and the house is not mine? There are just so many things that sre blocking my view of this marriage and I know it is my fault, but its so hard to think otherwise.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Seven Year Fright
This month marks seven years since I was raped. I have memories and nightmares like it was just yesterday, but I know that I have come very far since then. I am still learning to heal each day but it is definitely still a work in progress. I try to keep everything hidden in the back of my mind where everything else can be in the way of it coming back forward, but during Septemeber, it's like my mind thinks all on its own and brings those horrible memories back.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Yet Again
It seems like as of recently, life has been throwing some hardballs that I can never seem to catch. Today actually hit me. Well, it hit all of us, harder than we would have expected. After my sister got off work, we saw that my brother in law was outside. I was in my room with my husband trying to talk out some issues with the divorce and letting him speak up about his dislike for it (as well as I), when I heard my dad ask my sister what exactly was going on and that they needed to talk .. NOW. I went into the hallway and asked dad what was going on. All he could do is pace and tell me that he didn't know but that it wasn't good. Then we heard my sister and her husband packing things into tubs and load them into his truck. They were leaving yet again for Pennsylvania along with the kids and the kittens that I had been taking care of since she moved back. Apparently, my sister's mother in law has tried to get in touch with her to let her know that everything she has heard is a lie and that her husband did nothing wrong (even though we all know otherwise since we caught it all happening and have also caught him in lie upon lie). My sister has decided to believe it and move back.
The issue now at hand is that for one, he had planned on getting an apartment on his own with the kids and then leave my sister with no job and no car all alone. Two, this was my niece and nephew's first week of school and they are pulling them out yet again and making them go through this crap still. Third, putting them in the middle of this as it is anyways is making them destined to fail. Fourth, we may never see the kids ever again if their dad gets what he wants. This may be the last time we ever get to hug them. We made the best of what we could even though we didn't have much time at all. But my niece was crying her head off and didn't want to go.
It's times like these when I truly do wonder why our child died and they get to treat their children like toys and bargaining chips. They deserve so much more than what they get and they don't get much love and affection as it is. My sister and her husband only care about getting each other back and nailing the other into the ground. They don't love each other. They don't even truly love the kids it seems. They only care about themselves and what they think is rightfully theirs. The kids were extremely happy to start school and now that gets taken away from them. They don't even know what home is or what it feels like unless they are here. They have been completely content here and happy to be with their grandparents. Why take that away from them? How on earth is any of this in their best interest?
So, people are already asking, "How are you feeling about all of this?"
So here is my answer. I don't really know what all I feel at this moment because so much is happening right now that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want which means that my husband is no longer going to be my husband, and now my niece and nephew are taken away from us and we may never see them again. How am I feeling? I am angered, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, sorrowful, sorry, and broken. All of us are. We know that they don't deserve kids at all yet they are allowed to put them through the crappiest of situations for their own hatred's sake. We are gaining to feel more hatred towards them than ever possible. I already know that I am not going to be talking to my sister for a very very long time unless it's to talk to the kids.
But above all, maybe this is God's way of showing us that we need to be relying on Him for every single thing and situation that is possible to present itself. Maybe God is teaching us something through this as well as giving them over to their sins. I think me and my family have ultimately figured out that this is the time for constant prayer and communication. We need to pray that the kids will be safe and that one day, they will overcome these situations. Pray that they will one day fiind out about all of this and not hold anything against us. Ultimately, those kids are in dire need of prayer. They are the ones who are being drug through the mud. I also need to remember to pray for wisdom and discernment for not having such hatred towards them but to pray for their salvation. We don't know why all of this has been happening so all we can do is let them make their own decisions and hopefully one day learn from them if not die from them.
So please help me on this. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards them right now and it is not something that we should ever hold on to or it can be deadly. There is a time to hold on and then there is also a time to let go and let God handle it. This is that time.
The issue now at hand is that for one, he had planned on getting an apartment on his own with the kids and then leave my sister with no job and no car all alone. Two, this was my niece and nephew's first week of school and they are pulling them out yet again and making them go through this crap still. Third, putting them in the middle of this as it is anyways is making them destined to fail. Fourth, we may never see the kids ever again if their dad gets what he wants. This may be the last time we ever get to hug them. We made the best of what we could even though we didn't have much time at all. But my niece was crying her head off and didn't want to go.
It's times like these when I truly do wonder why our child died and they get to treat their children like toys and bargaining chips. They deserve so much more than what they get and they don't get much love and affection as it is. My sister and her husband only care about getting each other back and nailing the other into the ground. They don't love each other. They don't even truly love the kids it seems. They only care about themselves and what they think is rightfully theirs. The kids were extremely happy to start school and now that gets taken away from them. They don't even know what home is or what it feels like unless they are here. They have been completely content here and happy to be with their grandparents. Why take that away from them? How on earth is any of this in their best interest?
So, people are already asking, "How are you feeling about all of this?"
So here is my answer. I don't really know what all I feel at this moment because so much is happening right now that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want which means that my husband is no longer going to be my husband, and now my niece and nephew are taken away from us and we may never see them again. How am I feeling? I am angered, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, sorrowful, sorry, and broken. All of us are. We know that they don't deserve kids at all yet they are allowed to put them through the crappiest of situations for their own hatred's sake. We are gaining to feel more hatred towards them than ever possible. I already know that I am not going to be talking to my sister for a very very long time unless it's to talk to the kids.
But above all, maybe this is God's way of showing us that we need to be relying on Him for every single thing and situation that is possible to present itself. Maybe God is teaching us something through this as well as giving them over to their sins. I think me and my family have ultimately figured out that this is the time for constant prayer and communication. We need to pray that the kids will be safe and that one day, they will overcome these situations. Pray that they will one day fiind out about all of this and not hold anything against us. Ultimately, those kids are in dire need of prayer. They are the ones who are being drug through the mud. I also need to remember to pray for wisdom and discernment for not having such hatred towards them but to pray for their salvation. We don't know why all of this has been happening so all we can do is let them make their own decisions and hopefully one day learn from them if not die from them.
So please help me on this. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards them right now and it is not something that we should ever hold on to or it can be deadly. There is a time to hold on and then there is also a time to let go and let God handle it. This is that time.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
It's Time
Well, today was a rough day. I paid my lawyer whatever was left I owed, and I also told him to go ahead and file. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am hurt. I am confused. I am sad. I am strong, but then again this is a big step for me . . But a step in which direction? Is this going to change both of our relationships with our daughter that died? Is he going to forget her? Are we still going to be a family? All of those things kill me inside because he really has been wonderful lately about remembering our daughter in an extremely special way.
Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous.
But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(
Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous.
But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Medical Update
This is just an update on how I am doing overall since the surgery. Nothing from surgery has been giving me problems even though the incisions are still sore, but that is to be expected. The pains in which I even when to the doctor are back and they seem to be back with a vengence. I am hurting enough to where I have been having a fight with chills and a small fever ever since the surgery. But now the pain is hurting bad enough to where I am overwhelmed and stay in the fetal position at times on the floor. I went to the doctor yesterday and I have a CT scan on Friday morning. Hopefully that will help figure things out because I cannot keep having this kind of pain forever. I have a high tolerance, but I can only keep it but so long. Please pray for me as we try to seek more answers and that God will ease some of my pain.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Here To Help
I think I have put this out there before, but me and my mom are best friends. We have always been close, but when I got sick in school, that is what brought us closer. She has been through stuff that I was just going through and I do trust that that is one reason why God made her my mother. And for that I am truly grateful.
Only she knew how I felt with having a constant migraine that was both nauseating and paralyzing. She knew the kind of fear I had that goes along with it. We both knew that I would hit more obstacles, but it would be her that helped get me through it. She would go out of her way to wake up in the middle of the night and heat my rice pack up for me if I needed it. She would be the one to hold my hair while I puked my guts out. She was the one who would stay with me in my room to help calm me down and stayed until I fell asleep.
Some people will think, "Well, that's what mothers do. They take care of you." But in reality, my mother has gone above and beyond her calling. She would wait on me hand and foot if she felt like it. She would take care of me in a way that I had never experienced. Trust me, she took excellent care of me whenever I would get a fever or the flu, but this was something different. Something special.
While the migraine situation has subsided a good bit, I have had many other situations come up because of my own actions. I have told her that I am doing my best to deal with them accordingly, but no one can really understand unless they have walked down that road as well. We have talked many times about the abusive situations and the cheating. The thing that she has told me is a small answer that speaks numbers to me. "I never would have dealt with that. You are so much stronger than I am."
To be quite honest, while I may seem strong to others for dealing with these issues, I do not feel strong at all. I feel helpless, wasteless, worthless, and at times almost nonexistant. I am only strong because I got myself into this situation in the first place and I know that I deserve it at times and that I need to just deal with it. But me? Strong? No. I find myself thinking that it is my mom who is the strong one. She has had to deal with both of her daughters going against everything they have been taught and watch them go down a destructive path where they encountered consequences that they never thought of. My mom has had to be strong to not cracked or break from feeling like a failure. Yet it was not she who failed us, it was us who failed her and dad.
While living with them, I have felt like my old self again and it is very nice. I get to talk to mom more and keep close to her as we both strive to keep close to God. My mom is amazing in that aspect too, by the way. She does a Precept Bible study and it's wonderful to see her getting so excited to get deeper into the Bible. She is an inspiration thay I want to take after. Lately me, mom, and dad have all been having different discussions at niggt about the Bible and false teachers and such. I just love how I am a part of a family who knows better.
Now, with that being said, my family is by no means perfect. We have had plenty of downfalls and situations where none of us liked each other. At one point I didn't even speak to my dad for two years. I knew that my parents relationship wasn't always the easiest and at one point I actually thought they were going to divorce. I don't always know the situations or problems, but I always know if something is wrong.
Last night, my mom confided in me about something. She and dad are having problems and even though she wouldn't tell me what it was, I had a feeling I already knew. I knew because I had somewhat been in that situation, or at least I knew how she felt. While people may think that confiding in your daughter may be wrong, my mom wouldn't do it if she knew it was. We have been through so many things together that we understand each other so much and ask help from each other. Nothing big, of course. Mom has been having a rough time with her so called friends, and I am basically the only one she can really talk to who understands. From what I have seen, dad won't listen when problems arise. He normally tries to ignore it until it gets better or vanishes. I am like mom in the fact that I am emotional and cannot have anything on my conscience. Mom came to me for something and I tried to help her with it. Today she has taken necessary steps to help demolish one of their issues and I am so proud of her. It's hard. But I know that even though she needs to find good Christian friends, I am there when she needs me. She can't exactly say that of any of her friends.
So please keep my parents in your thoughts and prayers tonight. It's weighing heavily on my mom and she needs to be able to feel peace. But I know that when God is satisfied, He will give her that peace.
Only she knew how I felt with having a constant migraine that was both nauseating and paralyzing. She knew the kind of fear I had that goes along with it. We both knew that I would hit more obstacles, but it would be her that helped get me through it. She would go out of her way to wake up in the middle of the night and heat my rice pack up for me if I needed it. She would be the one to hold my hair while I puked my guts out. She was the one who would stay with me in my room to help calm me down and stayed until I fell asleep.
Some people will think, "Well, that's what mothers do. They take care of you." But in reality, my mother has gone above and beyond her calling. She would wait on me hand and foot if she felt like it. She would take care of me in a way that I had never experienced. Trust me, she took excellent care of me whenever I would get a fever or the flu, but this was something different. Something special.
While the migraine situation has subsided a good bit, I have had many other situations come up because of my own actions. I have told her that I am doing my best to deal with them accordingly, but no one can really understand unless they have walked down that road as well. We have talked many times about the abusive situations and the cheating. The thing that she has told me is a small answer that speaks numbers to me. "I never would have dealt with that. You are so much stronger than I am."
To be quite honest, while I may seem strong to others for dealing with these issues, I do not feel strong at all. I feel helpless, wasteless, worthless, and at times almost nonexistant. I am only strong because I got myself into this situation in the first place and I know that I deserve it at times and that I need to just deal with it. But me? Strong? No. I find myself thinking that it is my mom who is the strong one. She has had to deal with both of her daughters going against everything they have been taught and watch them go down a destructive path where they encountered consequences that they never thought of. My mom has had to be strong to not cracked or break from feeling like a failure. Yet it was not she who failed us, it was us who failed her and dad.
While living with them, I have felt like my old self again and it is very nice. I get to talk to mom more and keep close to her as we both strive to keep close to God. My mom is amazing in that aspect too, by the way. She does a Precept Bible study and it's wonderful to see her getting so excited to get deeper into the Bible. She is an inspiration thay I want to take after. Lately me, mom, and dad have all been having different discussions at niggt about the Bible and false teachers and such. I just love how I am a part of a family who knows better.
Now, with that being said, my family is by no means perfect. We have had plenty of downfalls and situations where none of us liked each other. At one point I didn't even speak to my dad for two years. I knew that my parents relationship wasn't always the easiest and at one point I actually thought they were going to divorce. I don't always know the situations or problems, but I always know if something is wrong.
Last night, my mom confided in me about something. She and dad are having problems and even though she wouldn't tell me what it was, I had a feeling I already knew. I knew because I had somewhat been in that situation, or at least I knew how she felt. While people may think that confiding in your daughter may be wrong, my mom wouldn't do it if she knew it was. We have been through so many things together that we understand each other so much and ask help from each other. Nothing big, of course. Mom has been having a rough time with her so called friends, and I am basically the only one she can really talk to who understands. From what I have seen, dad won't listen when problems arise. He normally tries to ignore it until it gets better or vanishes. I am like mom in the fact that I am emotional and cannot have anything on my conscience. Mom came to me for something and I tried to help her with it. Today she has taken necessary steps to help demolish one of their issues and I am so proud of her. It's hard. But I know that even though she needs to find good Christian friends, I am there when she needs me. She can't exactly say that of any of her friends.
So please keep my parents in your thoughts and prayers tonight. It's weighing heavily on my mom and she needs to be able to feel peace. But I know that when God is satisfied, He will give her that peace.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
.. And back again?
A couple of days ago, I found out that my sister is in fact planning on coming back with the help of my dad. I will go ahead and admit that when I heard this, I was furious. I hate the fact that my poor niece and nephew have to be dragged around like ragdolls that don't mean anything. They have been through so much already and I am tired of them being treated like this. While I know that it's not good to live in a household knowing that your parents don't love each other and aren't nice to each other, but it's also not good to just ship them place to place handing them off to one another every other day.
It has been confirmed that my brother in law has in fact had an affair with an 18 year old and also tried to get back together with her mother after she broke it off with him last year. But with that, we already knew it was true because that's just how he is. He is also still talking to my sister like crap too which hasn't changed either. So in all honesty, nothing has changed and I think she should stay where she is and deal with it. She knew what she was getting into and I even talked to her before she went back with him. But apparently she doesn't listen unless it's right in front of her and has already smacked her in the face with a brick.
I love my sister. I really do. But to go back like she did and wants out again for the exact same reason and instance, is just blowing my mind away. It really feels like no one truly cares for those kids except me, my estranged husband and my parents. My sister has been trying to hang her husband up to dry for a good while now and visa versa. All they care about is revenge and it is hurting the kids in the long run.
Some may find me to be cruel. Some may find me to be feeling like any other person would. My sister has made her choices, so my concern is for my niece and nephew now.
It has been confirmed that my brother in law has in fact had an affair with an 18 year old and also tried to get back together with her mother after she broke it off with him last year. But with that, we already knew it was true because that's just how he is. He is also still talking to my sister like crap too which hasn't changed either. So in all honesty, nothing has changed and I think she should stay where she is and deal with it. She knew what she was getting into and I even talked to her before she went back with him. But apparently she doesn't listen unless it's right in front of her and has already smacked her in the face with a brick.
I love my sister. I really do. But to go back like she did and wants out again for the exact same reason and instance, is just blowing my mind away. It really feels like no one truly cares for those kids except me, my estranged husband and my parents. My sister has been trying to hang her husband up to dry for a good while now and visa versa. All they care about is revenge and it is hurting the kids in the long run.
Some may find me to be cruel. Some may find me to be feeling like any other person would. My sister has made her choices, so my concern is for my niece and nephew now.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Questions And Worries
Alright, I am going to be honest, here. Since July 5, I could file for divorce. I still have some money to pay for the lawyer, which is okay by me. But I am still in a bind on whether it really is the right thing to do.
I have seen my husband change. (No, not just like that). He has become someone so different that I am honestly intrigued by him with the kind of person he was and who he has become. For a while there, he would be okay for maybe a week and then go back to his old tricks. But not this time. This is extremely different. I can not only see a change, but I can feel it. That's what hurts the most right now. I now know that he can treat me the way I need to be treated and spoken to, but I gave him a time limit and it is up. I just don't know if this really is the right thing to do or if we should stay married but separated. I feel like him changing his attitude is a bit of a sign but I don't know. I just wish I had definitive answers so I know what the right thing to do is. I don't want to live the rest of my life with regret. Marriage is nothing to take lightly, and I feel like I have not given it my best.
I feel like if he were to only get a job, that we could make it. I just want to know for sure. I love him with every fiber of my being. Is that bad of me?
I have seen my husband change. (No, not just like that). He has become someone so different that I am honestly intrigued by him with the kind of person he was and who he has become. For a while there, he would be okay for maybe a week and then go back to his old tricks. But not this time. This is extremely different. I can not only see a change, but I can feel it. That's what hurts the most right now. I now know that he can treat me the way I need to be treated and spoken to, but I gave him a time limit and it is up. I just don't know if this really is the right thing to do or if we should stay married but separated. I feel like him changing his attitude is a bit of a sign but I don't know. I just wish I had definitive answers so I know what the right thing to do is. I don't want to live the rest of my life with regret. Marriage is nothing to take lightly, and I feel like I have not given it my best.
I feel like if he were to only get a job, that we could make it. I just want to know for sure. I love him with every fiber of my being. Is that bad of me?
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Those nights.
There are times in my life lately where I feel like I am trapped. Trapped by my own mind, that is. My depression has been under control for the most part but when I am stressed, it likes to cut loose.
Night time is the worst for it because I sit in bed and can't help but worry. I worry about what I need to do at work the next day. I worry about my marriage issues and whether I should really follow through with the separation. I miss my child. I also think too much about anything and everything.
But lately, something else has been bothering me so bad that is has me constantly afraid. My mind has been playing tricks on me and making me think that my rapist is lurking about and still waiting to snatched me. I have nightmares, then I will wake up and see a dark figure in my room, thinking it's him. I am always afraid that he is around every corner watching me, following me, and waiting to hurt me or my family.
I sometimes sleep with my bedroom door open because my parents are in the room across from me and it is like a security thing. But most of the time I sleep with my door closed because I am afraid that he will come in. If anyone even lightly touches my doorknob, I am normally awake, so if he were to try, I would wake up. I also close my closet door because I want to feel safe and secure, and to know that it is only me in my room. I am safe. I am secure. I am comfortable (enough).
This is the fear that I have lived with. After being raped, I had to watch my back as well as my family's and my boyfriend. It's one of those things that unless you know the specifics, you cannot imagine how it is to live each day like this. Each incident is horrible enough, but whatever went on, that person has to live with it forever. It is always in the back on their mind. Some people can overcome it, some can even push it to the back of their mind and leave it there as long as possible. Others don't know how to control it. I was one of the victims who tried to put it in the back of my mind for a whole year and I got sick enough from keeping it in that I couldn't deal with that pain anymore. People deal with it differently, but I wish I could have been stronger to speak up sooner.
I am still afraid even after seven years. The idea of what could have happened is so frightening in itself that it makes my hair stand on end. I just want to be able to help other victims through their hard times and to be a helping hand in their healing process if it truly is possible.
Night time is the worst for it because I sit in bed and can't help but worry. I worry about what I need to do at work the next day. I worry about my marriage issues and whether I should really follow through with the separation. I miss my child. I also think too much about anything and everything.
But lately, something else has been bothering me so bad that is has me constantly afraid. My mind has been playing tricks on me and making me think that my rapist is lurking about and still waiting to snatched me. I have nightmares, then I will wake up and see a dark figure in my room, thinking it's him. I am always afraid that he is around every corner watching me, following me, and waiting to hurt me or my family.
I sometimes sleep with my bedroom door open because my parents are in the room across from me and it is like a security thing. But most of the time I sleep with my door closed because I am afraid that he will come in. If anyone even lightly touches my doorknob, I am normally awake, so if he were to try, I would wake up. I also close my closet door because I want to feel safe and secure, and to know that it is only me in my room. I am safe. I am secure. I am comfortable (enough).
This is the fear that I have lived with. After being raped, I had to watch my back as well as my family's and my boyfriend. It's one of those things that unless you know the specifics, you cannot imagine how it is to live each day like this. Each incident is horrible enough, but whatever went on, that person has to live with it forever. It is always in the back on their mind. Some people can overcome it, some can even push it to the back of their mind and leave it there as long as possible. Others don't know how to control it. I was one of the victims who tried to put it in the back of my mind for a whole year and I got sick enough from keeping it in that I couldn't deal with that pain anymore. People deal with it differently, but I wish I could have been stronger to speak up sooner.
I am still afraid even after seven years. The idea of what could have happened is so frightening in itself that it makes my hair stand on end. I just want to be able to help other victims through their hard times and to be a helping hand in their healing process if it truly is possible.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Recovery
So I have been having severe ovarian pain for a good couple of months now. I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound but it didn't show anything, so they suggested doing laproscopic surgery just to see what all is going on and to try to figure out what is causing the pain. After some consideration, I said yes.
I had to be at the hospital at 5:15 yesterday morning and then the surgery was at 7:15. The time flew by fast which made me even more nervous. I only got to see my family for a couple of minutes before they took me into the surgery room. My husband wanted to be there so I told him he could.
They got me onto the actual surgery table and put me on some "Happy IV medicine" to calm me down and drowse me out a bit. They gave me three to five doses of that and then gave me the mask to breathe in for the anesthetic. I counted to ten twice because Ai didn't think it was working. Needless to say, it did.
I felt like I wasn't asleep for hardly at all but I woke up pretty fast they said and was more alert than most patients are. Apparently they did not find anything wrong or what could be causing my ovarian pain, but they did see some scar tissue that they got out and might help. But they told me that I am to take it extremely easy for two weeks so no bending over and no heavy lifting of any sort. My boss is giving me until Tuesday so I get four days to recover enough to be able to go back to work.
In some ways I feel like it was worthless. I am now in unnecessary pain since they didn't find anything. I wish they would have found at least something wrong so they could try to correct it and make me feel better than nothing at all. But i know that I will make it through this with everyone's help so I am trying to stay as positive as posssible. But for the time being, I am mainly trying to catch up on sleep.
I must admit that my husband has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. He has tended to my every need, helped me get up to the bathroom, slept beside me in case I needed to get up in the middle of the night or needed something. He has been absolutely wonderful. He has never been like this and I am so thankful for him right now even with being separated. He has gone above and beyond to help me through this. I never expected this to come from him. So I'm very thankful and humbled by this right now.
Oh, by the way, Happy Independence Day to everyone! Stay safe at the fairs and watching fireworks. Watch some good ones for me. Remember all of our military on this most special of days. We wouldn't be here without them.
I had to be at the hospital at 5:15 yesterday morning and then the surgery was at 7:15. The time flew by fast which made me even more nervous. I only got to see my family for a couple of minutes before they took me into the surgery room. My husband wanted to be there so I told him he could.
They got me onto the actual surgery table and put me on some "Happy IV medicine" to calm me down and drowse me out a bit. They gave me three to five doses of that and then gave me the mask to breathe in for the anesthetic. I counted to ten twice because Ai didn't think it was working. Needless to say, it did.
I felt like I wasn't asleep for hardly at all but I woke up pretty fast they said and was more alert than most patients are. Apparently they did not find anything wrong or what could be causing my ovarian pain, but they did see some scar tissue that they got out and might help. But they told me that I am to take it extremely easy for two weeks so no bending over and no heavy lifting of any sort. My boss is giving me until Tuesday so I get four days to recover enough to be able to go back to work.
In some ways I feel like it was worthless. I am now in unnecessary pain since they didn't find anything. I wish they would have found at least something wrong so they could try to correct it and make me feel better than nothing at all. But i know that I will make it through this with everyone's help so I am trying to stay as positive as posssible. But for the time being, I am mainly trying to catch up on sleep.
I must admit that my husband has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. He has tended to my every need, helped me get up to the bathroom, slept beside me in case I needed to get up in the middle of the night or needed something. He has been absolutely wonderful. He has never been like this and I am so thankful for him right now even with being separated. He has gone above and beyond to help me through this. I never expected this to come from him. So I'm very thankful and humbled by this right now.
Oh, by the way, Happy Independence Day to everyone! Stay safe at the fairs and watching fireworks. Watch some good ones for me. Remember all of our military on this most special of days. We wouldn't be here without them.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Helping Others
There are some days where I feel like everything I have been through is a curse and a burden to bring me down. On other days it helps me remember that the worst is hopefully behind me and I have my future to look forward to. But then there are other days where I am so stressed and worn down from other situations that I need reminding of the amazing power of God's healing hand.
I have always heard the saying that says sometimes the most beautiful things come from bad circumstances and situations, but I didn't really think that way. That is, until I have been able to help people. No matter what it is in life that people are going through, whether it be dealing with rape, the coping with the loss of a child, or having the burden of being abused; I always try to offer a shoulder to cry on, or even just lending my ears to listen to them venting about what's going on in their life. It's one of those things where I know that God can use me even when I have been broken so many times.
No matter what kind of situation you have been in or what has happened to you, God can still use you. Sometimes the hardships and horrible things that have happened in our lives can become something so beautiful, if we are willing to see it that way. Ever since I have had to deal with everything, I have helped so many people through similar situations. I have put my insight as well as my wisdom from my experiences. Yes, everyone has diff err entry experiences, but that does not mean that it cannot be helpful in a different way.
I pray that through anything that happens whether good or bad, that God will use those things to show you that He IS God and He will work everything together for good. If you love God, let Him use you to help shine His light on others that they may see His wonders and abundant grace. To God be the glory, through trials, through triumphs, and through what is yet to be determined.
I have always heard the saying that says sometimes the most beautiful things come from bad circumstances and situations, but I didn't really think that way. That is, until I have been able to help people. No matter what it is in life that people are going through, whether it be dealing with rape, the coping with the loss of a child, or having the burden of being abused; I always try to offer a shoulder to cry on, or even just lending my ears to listen to them venting about what's going on in their life. It's one of those things where I know that God can use me even when I have been broken so many times.
No matter what kind of situation you have been in or what has happened to you, God can still use you. Sometimes the hardships and horrible things that have happened in our lives can become something so beautiful, if we are willing to see it that way. Ever since I have had to deal with everything, I have helped so many people through similar situations. I have put my insight as well as my wisdom from my experiences. Yes, everyone has diff err entry experiences, but that does not mean that it cannot be helpful in a different way.
I pray that through anything that happens whether good or bad, that God will use those things to show you that He IS God and He will work everything together for good. If you love God, let Him use you to help shine His light on others that they may see His wonders and abundant grace. To God be the glory, through trials, through triumphs, and through what is yet to be determined.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Strength
For people who have read my posts, you know that I have been through certain things, and even more that I have not thought to post out here. Even with being abused, lied to, bullied, having lost a child, and been though illness after illness; I have never lost my character of compassion, care, love, sympathy, empathy, or anything else. For a while there when I was still living with my husband, I had become bitter. I became extremely bitter to the point of lashing out at him because that's what he has shown me all those years and same with his family. I became the kind of company I had lived with. I finally realized this one day and I didn't want to be that person anymore. I would always want to go to my parents house so I could be around a family filled with love. Yes, we have our own problems and flaws, but we have never let that stop us from being the kind of family God wanted us to be. We have been redeemed by His blood and we carry our sins and burdens to the foot of the cross often.
It has been 11 months since I decided that the best thing to do was file for divorce. After my husband got out of jail for the suspended license issues, he came out a changed man since I had told him of my intentions. Since that September, he has only let his anger get to him once with me. He had completely changed his attitude towards me and has grown a heart that wants to be tender and loving. He has also spent more time with my family and I think it has helped in the long run because all his family does is curse and fight, mainly with his dad. This is an important step for my husband to be able to grow into the man I know he can be. He had somewhat tried more with trying to get a job, but nothing has happened in that department. I told him that he has until July when I can file to get a job and prove to me that he can do it, or I file since I truly have no other option. I have thought about staying separated but married, but with that we wouldn't be talking and I know he would just find another girl. That's what he does. So if he did that, I would definitely file for divorce on grounds of adultery if I were to have enough proof.
So even though he has hurt me physically and emotionally and mentally, I have been able to get through and overcome it. I have become the person on top to be able to overcome such an obstacle and not let it change me into a person who has nothing to lose. I am letting my situations be a beacon for those who need help. I am here to help anyone who needs it since I know what they have gone through or are currently going through. But this is the kind of person I am. I am an extremely compassionate person who wants to help anyone who comes in my life. God was gracious enough to give me a mother who passed that on to me. I don't see it as weakness, but as a strength like no other. It's Christ's strength in me that has helped me through everything. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, this is true. My God has supplied for all my needs so that I can be able to help others see that.
That is how I am different from other people. Even with being hurt so much, I am never the kind of person to reciprocate that feeling. This is the strength I have and the kind I want to see everyone else have as well. We are all capable, but are we all willing to do what is necessary to be that way?
It has been 11 months since I decided that the best thing to do was file for divorce. After my husband got out of jail for the suspended license issues, he came out a changed man since I had told him of my intentions. Since that September, he has only let his anger get to him once with me. He had completely changed his attitude towards me and has grown a heart that wants to be tender and loving. He has also spent more time with my family and I think it has helped in the long run because all his family does is curse and fight, mainly with his dad. This is an important step for my husband to be able to grow into the man I know he can be. He had somewhat tried more with trying to get a job, but nothing has happened in that department. I told him that he has until July when I can file to get a job and prove to me that he can do it, or I file since I truly have no other option. I have thought about staying separated but married, but with that we wouldn't be talking and I know he would just find another girl. That's what he does. So if he did that, I would definitely file for divorce on grounds of adultery if I were to have enough proof.
So even though he has hurt me physically and emotionally and mentally, I have been able to get through and overcome it. I have become the person on top to be able to overcome such an obstacle and not let it change me into a person who has nothing to lose. I am letting my situations be a beacon for those who need help. I am here to help anyone who needs it since I know what they have gone through or are currently going through. But this is the kind of person I am. I am an extremely compassionate person who wants to help anyone who comes in my life. God was gracious enough to give me a mother who passed that on to me. I don't see it as weakness, but as a strength like no other. It's Christ's strength in me that has helped me through everything. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, this is true. My God has supplied for all my needs so that I can be able to help others see that.
That is how I am different from other people. Even with being hurt so much, I am never the kind of person to reciprocate that feeling. This is the strength I have and the kind I want to see everyone else have as well. We are all capable, but are we all willing to do what is necessary to be that way?
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
This is my 5th Mother's Day. Another special occasion that I should have my baby girl to show for it, but I don't. Most of these holidays are always so horrible for me and I can only tolerate them so much, but I knew this year's would be different.
I woke up and saw two corsages on th3 table that my dad buys every year, one for my mom and one for my grandma. So I thought nothing of it except that it would be nice to finally be included. I call my grandma to let her know that we were ready to pick her up for lunch. She had already gotten out of her church dress clothes and said that her corsage would look right with normal clothes. I told her that it would be fine and it's sitting right here on our table. She goes, "No, your dad brought mine to me before church." I started crying. I was finally being included on Mother's Day. :)
We went to Cracker Barrel for lunch and had a wonderful time. We even shopped a tiny bit while we waited for our seats. When we got home, I gave mom and grandma their presents; I bought both of them necklaces and gave them their cards. I was also given a card, by my sweet sweet coworker who is like my third grandma. No words can describe the happiness I felt while reading that card.
After a while, I went over to my in-law's place and gave my mother-in-law her card and my husband mentioned that he did get me something. It was a Mother's Day card! He wanted to let me know that while he may not always be the best at telling me, he loves me and still remembers to think about our baby. That meant the world to me, and so much more. That is the first Mother's Day card he has ever given me That is what made my night, besides watching Frozen.
I also had so many people on Facebook let me know that they were thinking of me and telling me how proud they were of me to still stay strong and keep going even though I feel broken down. I had so many loving friends support me today and I am truly grateful. God has blessed me so much with friends who care and with a daughter who has given me more love and joy even if she isn't physically here with us. What a blessing she is. :) What a truly Happy Mother's Day.
I woke up and saw two corsages on th3 table that my dad buys every year, one for my mom and one for my grandma. So I thought nothing of it except that it would be nice to finally be included. I call my grandma to let her know that we were ready to pick her up for lunch. She had already gotten out of her church dress clothes and said that her corsage would look right with normal clothes. I told her that it would be fine and it's sitting right here on our table. She goes, "No, your dad brought mine to me before church." I started crying. I was finally being included on Mother's Day. :)
We went to Cracker Barrel for lunch and had a wonderful time. We even shopped a tiny bit while we waited for our seats. When we got home, I gave mom and grandma their presents; I bought both of them necklaces and gave them their cards. I was also given a card, by my sweet sweet coworker who is like my third grandma. No words can describe the happiness I felt while reading that card.
After a while, I went over to my in-law's place and gave my mother-in-law her card and my husband mentioned that he did get me something. It was a Mother's Day card! He wanted to let me know that while he may not always be the best at telling me, he loves me and still remembers to think about our baby. That meant the world to me, and so much more. That is the first Mother's Day card he has ever given me That is what made my night, besides watching Frozen.
I also had so many people on Facebook let me know that they were thinking of me and telling me how proud they were of me to still stay strong and keep going even though I feel broken down. I had so many loving friends support me today and I am truly grateful. God has blessed me so much with friends who care and with a daughter who has given me more love and joy even if she isn't physically here with us. What a blessing she is. :) What a truly Happy Mother's Day.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Selfishness
So comes the day when the unexpected is in fact expected. My sister and her husband left for Pennsylvania without letting us say good - bye to the kids and then came back for a couple days. My dad told her that she was not to take the car he had bought but she did anyways. They planned on coming back just to get more stuff to take back with them and my dad flat out told her that she was to leave it here this time. Apparently my brother-in-law's vehicle broke down in Pennsylvania and the only ride back is a UHAUL. My sister has not spoken to us all day because she turns her phone off when she doesn't want to deal with us. Her husband let us know that they are leaving tomorrow morning if we want to come and say good-bye.
The problem is not us being able to say good-bye to the kids, it's about my grandma. She has been devastated over my sisters choices and mistakes ever since she got together with him when she left for Pennsylvania the first time, but to do it all over again is killing her. She is lonely enough as it is and not being courteous enough to go over and make her more important than their hate. They can be mad at us even though we are right all they want. That doesn't make them parents of the year. What are they teaching their kids? How to be deceptive and how to lie to get what you want. They don't care about us or the kids, they just care about themselves and it is the saddest thing.
I just hope my sister knows that what happens now is all on her. It's no one's fault but theirs and they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of their choices. The problem is, their children have to suffer for it too. :( What parenting.
The problem is not us being able to say good-bye to the kids, it's about my grandma. She has been devastated over my sisters choices and mistakes ever since she got together with him when she left for Pennsylvania the first time, but to do it all over again is killing her. She is lonely enough as it is and not being courteous enough to go over and make her more important than their hate. They can be mad at us even though we are right all they want. That doesn't make them parents of the year. What are they teaching their kids? How to be deceptive and how to lie to get what you want. They don't care about us or the kids, they just care about themselves and it is the saddest thing.
I just hope my sister knows that what happens now is all on her. It's no one's fault but theirs and they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of their choices. The problem is, their children have to suffer for it too. :( What parenting.
Friday, April 11, 2014
There Is Always A Time To Heal And A Time To Cleave.
Four years ago today, I had to go through some of the worst kind of pain imaginable physically and emotionally. I had miscarried. I lost my child. It has eaten at me ever since it happened and it doesn't go away. People say it gets better with time, but in all honesty, it doesn't. It just gets somewhat easier to hold back the tears and fear as well as the anger and loneliness/emptiness that comes with it.
One of the things that made it harder on me was that I had to deal with it all alone. My husband and I weren't supposed to be talking for certain reasons and my mom was out of state visiting her best friend. The pain that I had to deal with was so unbearable and draining. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever. There were splotches and I knew that with this level of pain, something was extremely wrong. I had had a feeling that I might have been pregnant, but didnt know for sure so I even took a pregnancy test and it didn't show up positive until a couple of days later. I had taken another test that day and it was positive.
That wasn't too long before Mother's Day. Mom promised to get me a Mother's Day card. To this day, she never got me one. My husband told me a couple months later that I needed to get over it and deal with it. I am the odd one out who is a mother of an angel yet isn't considered a mother in most people's eyes. It's quite despicable and nauseating.
After a couple of years, my husband finally saw how upset and hurt I still was about losing our baby, so he bought me a necklace of Jane Seymour's Open Hearts Collection that has the angel wings and the halo in memory of our baby. That meant the world to me and showed me that he does care. I never take it off except to clean it.
I don't like having a "pity party", but this is how I deal with this loss. I talk about it and I also make sure I still think about my child even though I do all the time and can't help it. It's just so hard to deal with it when there are kids everywhere around you and you break down into tears because that should be your child playing with them. You see that husband and wife strolling along with their baby in her stroller? Yeah, that should be us. A happy family. But life doesn't go as it should or as planned.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I have a child who should be in this world with me. I have to deal with the pain of seeing other children play and of my friends being so happy throughout their pregnancy and having sonogram pictures. But I don't get that. I don't get any memories of the pregnancy let alone of their life in this world with me. I cannot walk through the stages of life with my child or read bedtime stories and cuddle. The feeling of the baby kicking and finding out what the gender is? No. I don't get that either.
It's so hard living my day to day life and not feeling sad or sorry that my body want strong enough to hold her. I get to live with more questions than answers. I get to have more wishes and prayers than hugs and kisses.
Today is my baby's 4th angelversary/birthday and I am no closer to dealing with it than I was back then. It hurts just as much but I do love my child even more. I also know that I will see her face to face when my time here is up. And for that, I am so thankful. I love my baby so much more than I thought possible. I have a certain connection with her that I don't get with anyone else. She is like my own security blanket. I love you so much, Angela. So so much.
One of the things that made it harder on me was that I had to deal with it all alone. My husband and I weren't supposed to be talking for certain reasons and my mom was out of state visiting her best friend. The pain that I had to deal with was so unbearable and draining. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever. There were splotches and I knew that with this level of pain, something was extremely wrong. I had had a feeling that I might have been pregnant, but didnt know for sure so I even took a pregnancy test and it didn't show up positive until a couple of days later. I had taken another test that day and it was positive.
That wasn't too long before Mother's Day. Mom promised to get me a Mother's Day card. To this day, she never got me one. My husband told me a couple months later that I needed to get over it and deal with it. I am the odd one out who is a mother of an angel yet isn't considered a mother in most people's eyes. It's quite despicable and nauseating.
After a couple of years, my husband finally saw how upset and hurt I still was about losing our baby, so he bought me a necklace of Jane Seymour's Open Hearts Collection that has the angel wings and the halo in memory of our baby. That meant the world to me and showed me that he does care. I never take it off except to clean it.
I don't like having a "pity party", but this is how I deal with this loss. I talk about it and I also make sure I still think about my child even though I do all the time and can't help it. It's just so hard to deal with it when there are kids everywhere around you and you break down into tears because that should be your child playing with them. You see that husband and wife strolling along with their baby in her stroller? Yeah, that should be us. A happy family. But life doesn't go as it should or as planned.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I have a child who should be in this world with me. I have to deal with the pain of seeing other children play and of my friends being so happy throughout their pregnancy and having sonogram pictures. But I don't get that. I don't get any memories of the pregnancy let alone of their life in this world with me. I cannot walk through the stages of life with my child or read bedtime stories and cuddle. The feeling of the baby kicking and finding out what the gender is? No. I don't get that either.
It's so hard living my day to day life and not feeling sad or sorry that my body want strong enough to hold her. I get to live with more questions than answers. I get to have more wishes and prayers than hugs and kisses.
Today is my baby's 4th angelversary/birthday and I am no closer to dealing with it than I was back then. It hurts just as much but I do love my child even more. I also know that I will see her face to face when my time here is up. And for that, I am so thankful. I love my baby so much more than I thought possible. I have a certain connection with her that I don't get with anyone else. She is like my own security blanket. I love you so much, Angela. So so much.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Out Of Our Hands And Into The Lord's
I have come to find that if it's not one thing, it's another. These days, it's mainly been all about my sister and problems with her husband. But most importantly, taking care of her kids.
One weekend in my junior year of high school, my sister just up and left for Pennsylvania without telling us. My dad was out of town so it was just me and mom at the house. We found a note in her room that let us know that she is moving to Pennsylvania with her "best friend" who picked her up and to have a great weekend. Even with the ever so meaningful well wishes, our weekend was one of the hardest to deal with.
My sister had met a married couple online and they befriended her and invited her to move there with them. They picked her up and brought her to Pennsylvania. After just two days of being there, the husband asked my sister if she wanted to bear his children. So she did.
Keep this in mind, my sister is not like any other adult. She is borderline mentally retarded so she doesn't have the mental stability or capacity that normal people do. This couple knew that and they took advantage her.
My sister shortly became pregnant with my nephew. She wanted to marry this guy so she made a big deal that the couple were still married. The guy had told her that they were in the middle of a divorce, but that didn't seem true by any means.
Throughout the pregnancy, there were signs of abuse. My sister would call my dad to come to get her and bring her back because he would grab her and drag her off the bed. My dad went to bring her back, but with no luck. She changed her mind. On the way back, my dad fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. Later she had called a second and then a third time, and still produced the same results.
My nephew was born six weeks early and had to be put into the NICU for quite some time. After a while, she and the couple came down so she could visit with us. It was nice to visit but it was a different story meeting the couple. Disgusting and vile as they were.
One day my sister had gotten out of their van and they just took off with her son. This had been their plan all along and even though she had seen an email between them, she still didn't believe it would happen. Either that or she didn't understand. She did get him back and the two of them ended up marrying and went back to Pennsylvania.
Ten months after she had my nephew, she gave birth to my niece. Things were rough for them since they were living in a not so good apartment thing, so after a while, they moved here. They stayed with me and my parents for a while then got their own place after they had enough money.
The abuse wasn't that often but when it did happen, it was bad. My sister would come over with black eye with make up over top of it. Apparently he and his ex wife lost custody of her kids a while back because of his abuse towards them. Things just kept on.
Now my sister has moved back in with us and her kids because of adultery situations. She has gone through a custody battle and a good many court dates for assault and battery which she has never gone through with. She has dropped every court thing and then expects us to still be behind her in her decisions. We have bent over backwards for her and we get nothing in return.
However, we do get time with the kids. But nowadays, even though she is separated from her husband and has a custody agreement, even when it is her weekend or her days, she is always at her husband's place. We only get to see the kids maybe 10 minutes a day since they only come back to sleep. Dad even bought her a car and she has been paying it off every month.
Yesterday, dad went to eat lunch with my nephew at school and found out from him that they are moving back to Pennsylvania. . . In two weeks. This is the thanks that my parents get for helping her through all of her crappy situations. We may never see those kids again if her husband has her way. But whatever happens now is all on her. We have helped her all we could and now it is up to her to deal with her decisions. Dad also said that because of That, she is not taking the car with her. He is going to give it either to me or mom. It also looks like dad is switching her phone with grandma's. He gave us new smartphones and is gonna make her leave it here since she uses up all of our data.
I am just so heartbroken for those kids having to deal with them as parents. It's just so sad to see all of this happening to them and their parents don't care. Why is it that people who don't care about putting their children before themselves can keep them? It's horrible. But God is with them and I know that He will not let any harm come to them.
This is one of the most trying times of our faith and trust in God, but we know that everything is in His hands. My sister is an adult and needs to finally take responsibility for her actions and deal with the consequences. We can no longer get her out of those situations. It is up to her now. All we can do is pray and hope. But one thing is for sure, if we didn't have faith, we wouldn't have anything. God is everything to us and He is in control.
One weekend in my junior year of high school, my sister just up and left for Pennsylvania without telling us. My dad was out of town so it was just me and mom at the house. We found a note in her room that let us know that she is moving to Pennsylvania with her "best friend" who picked her up and to have a great weekend. Even with the ever so meaningful well wishes, our weekend was one of the hardest to deal with.
My sister had met a married couple online and they befriended her and invited her to move there with them. They picked her up and brought her to Pennsylvania. After just two days of being there, the husband asked my sister if she wanted to bear his children. So she did.
Keep this in mind, my sister is not like any other adult. She is borderline mentally retarded so she doesn't have the mental stability or capacity that normal people do. This couple knew that and they took advantage her.
My sister shortly became pregnant with my nephew. She wanted to marry this guy so she made a big deal that the couple were still married. The guy had told her that they were in the middle of a divorce, but that didn't seem true by any means.
Throughout the pregnancy, there were signs of abuse. My sister would call my dad to come to get her and bring her back because he would grab her and drag her off the bed. My dad went to bring her back, but with no luck. She changed her mind. On the way back, my dad fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. Later she had called a second and then a third time, and still produced the same results.
My nephew was born six weeks early and had to be put into the NICU for quite some time. After a while, she and the couple came down so she could visit with us. It was nice to visit but it was a different story meeting the couple. Disgusting and vile as they were.
One day my sister had gotten out of their van and they just took off with her son. This had been their plan all along and even though she had seen an email between them, she still didn't believe it would happen. Either that or she didn't understand. She did get him back and the two of them ended up marrying and went back to Pennsylvania.
Ten months after she had my nephew, she gave birth to my niece. Things were rough for them since they were living in a not so good apartment thing, so after a while, they moved here. They stayed with me and my parents for a while then got their own place after they had enough money.
The abuse wasn't that often but when it did happen, it was bad. My sister would come over with black eye with make up over top of it. Apparently he and his ex wife lost custody of her kids a while back because of his abuse towards them. Things just kept on.
Now my sister has moved back in with us and her kids because of adultery situations. She has gone through a custody battle and a good many court dates for assault and battery which she has never gone through with. She has dropped every court thing and then expects us to still be behind her in her decisions. We have bent over backwards for her and we get nothing in return.
However, we do get time with the kids. But nowadays, even though she is separated from her husband and has a custody agreement, even when it is her weekend or her days, she is always at her husband's place. We only get to see the kids maybe 10 minutes a day since they only come back to sleep. Dad even bought her a car and she has been paying it off every month.
Yesterday, dad went to eat lunch with my nephew at school and found out from him that they are moving back to Pennsylvania. . . In two weeks. This is the thanks that my parents get for helping her through all of her crappy situations. We may never see those kids again if her husband has her way. But whatever happens now is all on her. We have helped her all we could and now it is up to her to deal with her decisions. Dad also said that because of That, she is not taking the car with her. He is going to give it either to me or mom. It also looks like dad is switching her phone with grandma's. He gave us new smartphones and is gonna make her leave it here since she uses up all of our data.
I am just so heartbroken for those kids having to deal with them as parents. It's just so sad to see all of this happening to them and their parents don't care. Why is it that people who don't care about putting their children before themselves can keep them? It's horrible. But God is with them and I know that He will not let any harm come to them.
This is one of the most trying times of our faith and trust in God, but we know that everything is in His hands. My sister is an adult and needs to finally take responsibility for her actions and deal with the consequences. We can no longer get her out of those situations. It is up to her now. All we can do is pray and hope. But one thing is for sure, if we didn't have faith, we wouldn't have anything. God is everything to us and He is in control.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Having A Hard Night.
Tonight has been really hard for me when it comes to my depression and trying to keep certain memories hidden that are too rough to live with. I don't normally speak of it because this memory is definitely one that I need to keep to myself. Some people are easier at talking about it with others because it helps them, but for me, it's the opposite. My story is not like most, but it does happen to a lot of people and it is scary enough. I don't tell my story to most because it is the one memory I would rather set in a locked box and throw it away in the back of my mind, to be left for all eternity. It's the one memory, I would rather keep to myself. We each need our own secret memories. Maybe one day I will be able to speak about the worries and always having to look over my shoulder, but not now. Not yet.
I have been seeing a lot of Facebook shares about women speaking out about being raped and becoming sex slaves and it has brought my emotions back full force. I am only comfortable speaking to people who have also been raped because it helps comfort one another and let's us know that we aren't alone. We listen to each others stories (not the full story, just enough that we still have some to hold back), cry on each others shoulders, and pray with each other.
No one can fathom what we go through day to day, year after year. We appreciate it when people apologize that we went through it but we mainly want them to keep us (all rape victims) in their thoughts and prayers. If you have a worry that someone may be in that kind of danger, ACT! Help them. Talk to them. Let them know that you will look out for them. Just be mindful about what you say and how you say it. Even the slightest wording of things can cause us to crack.
I have been seeing a lot of Facebook shares about women speaking out about being raped and becoming sex slaves and it has brought my emotions back full force. I am only comfortable speaking to people who have also been raped because it helps comfort one another and let's us know that we aren't alone. We listen to each others stories (not the full story, just enough that we still have some to hold back), cry on each others shoulders, and pray with each other.
No one can fathom what we go through day to day, year after year. We appreciate it when people apologize that we went through it but we mainly want them to keep us (all rape victims) in their thoughts and prayers. If you have a worry that someone may be in that kind of danger, ACT! Help them. Talk to them. Let them know that you will look out for them. Just be mindful about what you say and how you say it. Even the slightest wording of things can cause us to crack.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Work
I started working when I was 17 as a gymnastics coach. I thoroughly enjoyed it since I had been a gymnast since I was three and switched to dance when I was 10. I was mainly teaching dance technique but I taught the team girls as well as kids. After my migraines got worse, I started having a lot of passing out spells and those eventually turned into seizures. After that, I wasn't allowed to teach kids alone so I always had to have someone with me. But that didn't last very long. All in all, I worked there for two years and nine months. Not too long after that, the gym shut down because of lack of money flow.
I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to keep a steady job for more medical reasons, so I was without a job for a year. Mind you, ONLY one year. I was almost forced into getting another job since my husband was in jail for the one domestic violence incident that I called for help. He was forceful with the idea that I had to get a job (even though he was only in the military reserves and had no civilian job since I've been with him), but I also knew that I had to get one. If we wanted to have any life of our own as a married couple, we both had to get a job.
I put in ten applications a day for a whole week. Within a couple days I got three calls back for interviews. The first one was for a job I had been wanting for a while because it always seemed like a great place to work and everyone was happy. The second . . well, I was praying I didn't get that one. But the third interview went very well. It was a pretty new store and it sold junior girls clothing (my sizes). My interview was on June 6, 2011. I got the job on the 8th and started my first day on the 10th.
This was my first try at a regular job, a retail job. I came home crying the first day because I was worried I wouldn't be good at it since I had never done anything like that before. I'm sometimes afraid of new things. But I got the hang of it and it ended up being one of the best jobs I could ever have. Everyone who worked there since I had been there always had tattoos. Hah, once in a while I even wondered if that was a necessity in getting the job. With being able to show our tattoos, we were able to connect with the kind of customers that came in shopping for our clothes. We have met many wonderful people and have been able to easily converse with them. The only bad part of that job is the many incidences we had from stealing and wanting to spend too much money on clothes ourselves. Lol.
After a year and a half as well as moving back into my parents place, I knew that I wasn't making enough money specially when my job was having to cut my hours from being slow and not making enough money on the payroll, so I decided that I needed to get a second job so I can save up money for a car. I had put in applications right after I moved back in with my parents but I was so stressed over marriage issues that I stopped for a bit. I had an interview on January 8, 2013 and was told as I was leaving that I more than likely had the job if I was interested and that to make it official, I would be called. I was called on January 10 to tell me that I had the job and then I started on the 14th.
This second job was different from the first though. It's a lot calmer and the people who shop here are more trustworthy, I guess you can say. It was a lot to take in but it was easier. The only thing I worried about is having to deal with coupons upon coupons. I ended up becoming a key holder at my second job so I could get more hours but my first job wasn't too happy about that since they asked me not too long beforehand and I didn't think I could have that kind of responsibility. It just seemed easier at my second job, so I took it.
After a little while of learning new and different things, my boss wanted me to learn more so she asked me if I wanted to go on a managers trip. We went to a meeting in Greensboro to talk about new product coming out and Christmas stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot.
The talk of opening a new store was going around at my second job but it certainly wasn't concrete. I was told by my boss that if we were in fact opening another store up, she wanted me to be her assistant manager and help with both stores. Also around that same time, the day Monday of Thanksgiving (2013), we had word that my first job was going out of business due to lack of money intake. Our last day open was on January 10 of this year and we packed everything up and said our good - byes on the 12th. I was at that job for two and a half years.
But while that door closes, another opens. We opened up our new store for my second job (now my only job) on January 6 and I am already loving it. Traffic and money coming in is really slow but that is expected of a new store. Not many people know we are open or anything. But it's nice to be able to run the store. Of course my boss has the final say so, but she works there two days while I work there the other five days she doesn't. I am 23 years old and have been at this job for one year and two months. And I hope I have many more.
God has blessed me tremendously with these things and I could never ask for more. I did what I needed to do by getting a job when I needed to. My husband has worked all of maybe five days at the most since I have known him, excluding the military reserves, of course. He does a tiny bit of under the table stuff but other than that and making a tiny bit from his hobby, he has nothing. He doesn't even seem to want a job. His parents pay for everything while I am over here paying for gas, food, and everything else I need and more so. I'm not jealous at all because it feels wonderful to be able to be independent to an extent. I feel more like an adult than I have been. I feel responsible. The only downfall is that I am married to a guy who doesn't care about his responsibilities as a husband nor as an adult. It's sad. It's shameful. I just hope he will learn later on that me nagging and pressing him to get a job wasn't to make him mad. It was so that he would understand what the importance of it was.
I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to keep a steady job for more medical reasons, so I was without a job for a year. Mind you, ONLY one year. I was almost forced into getting another job since my husband was in jail for the one domestic violence incident that I called for help. He was forceful with the idea that I had to get a job (even though he was only in the military reserves and had no civilian job since I've been with him), but I also knew that I had to get one. If we wanted to have any life of our own as a married couple, we both had to get a job.
I put in ten applications a day for a whole week. Within a couple days I got three calls back for interviews. The first one was for a job I had been wanting for a while because it always seemed like a great place to work and everyone was happy. The second . . well, I was praying I didn't get that one. But the third interview went very well. It was a pretty new store and it sold junior girls clothing (my sizes). My interview was on June 6, 2011. I got the job on the 8th and started my first day on the 10th.
This was my first try at a regular job, a retail job. I came home crying the first day because I was worried I wouldn't be good at it since I had never done anything like that before. I'm sometimes afraid of new things. But I got the hang of it and it ended up being one of the best jobs I could ever have. Everyone who worked there since I had been there always had tattoos. Hah, once in a while I even wondered if that was a necessity in getting the job. With being able to show our tattoos, we were able to connect with the kind of customers that came in shopping for our clothes. We have met many wonderful people and have been able to easily converse with them. The only bad part of that job is the many incidences we had from stealing and wanting to spend too much money on clothes ourselves. Lol.
After a year and a half as well as moving back into my parents place, I knew that I wasn't making enough money specially when my job was having to cut my hours from being slow and not making enough money on the payroll, so I decided that I needed to get a second job so I can save up money for a car. I had put in applications right after I moved back in with my parents but I was so stressed over marriage issues that I stopped for a bit. I had an interview on January 8, 2013 and was told as I was leaving that I more than likely had the job if I was interested and that to make it official, I would be called. I was called on January 10 to tell me that I had the job and then I started on the 14th.
This second job was different from the first though. It's a lot calmer and the people who shop here are more trustworthy, I guess you can say. It was a lot to take in but it was easier. The only thing I worried about is having to deal with coupons upon coupons. I ended up becoming a key holder at my second job so I could get more hours but my first job wasn't too happy about that since they asked me not too long beforehand and I didn't think I could have that kind of responsibility. It just seemed easier at my second job, so I took it.
After a little while of learning new and different things, my boss wanted me to learn more so she asked me if I wanted to go on a managers trip. We went to a meeting in Greensboro to talk about new product coming out and Christmas stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot.
The talk of opening a new store was going around at my second job but it certainly wasn't concrete. I was told by my boss that if we were in fact opening another store up, she wanted me to be her assistant manager and help with both stores. Also around that same time, the day Monday of Thanksgiving (2013), we had word that my first job was going out of business due to lack of money intake. Our last day open was on January 10 of this year and we packed everything up and said our good - byes on the 12th. I was at that job for two and a half years.
But while that door closes, another opens. We opened up our new store for my second job (now my only job) on January 6 and I am already loving it. Traffic and money coming in is really slow but that is expected of a new store. Not many people know we are open or anything. But it's nice to be able to run the store. Of course my boss has the final say so, but she works there two days while I work there the other five days she doesn't. I am 23 years old and have been at this job for one year and two months. And I hope I have many more.
God has blessed me tremendously with these things and I could never ask for more. I did what I needed to do by getting a job when I needed to. My husband has worked all of maybe five days at the most since I have known him, excluding the military reserves, of course. He does a tiny bit of under the table stuff but other than that and making a tiny bit from his hobby, he has nothing. He doesn't even seem to want a job. His parents pay for everything while I am over here paying for gas, food, and everything else I need and more so. I'm not jealous at all because it feels wonderful to be able to be independent to an extent. I feel more like an adult than I have been. I feel responsible. The only downfall is that I am married to a guy who doesn't care about his responsibilities as a husband nor as an adult. It's sad. It's shameful. I just hope he will learn later on that me nagging and pressing him to get a job wasn't to make him mad. It was so that he would understand what the importance of it was.
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