For many years now, I have dreamed of being a mom. I knew when I was young that I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a godly wife and to be blessed with raising beautiful children and teaching them to love the Lord. This has been my wish and want, but now it has become my plea and my hope.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
