Stress

     Things are getting so much harder these days. I just started a second part time job (which I am loving, by the way), but I am still not getting the kind of hours I need. Retail is usually slow during January, February, and March but hopefully it will pick up really quick. Work helps me get my mind off of things and I guess you can say that since I have been married and got this job, it has been my only time for myself. I have my jobs there for more than just money.

     But it's not just about the job situation for me. I mean, yeah, my husband's not willing to do what it takes to get a job is a HUGE problem, but there is a lot more to it. I feel like the world is on my shoulders since he won't take responsibility. I have to worry about the $8,000 or so that I have to pay in medical bills, I have to worry about saving money up for a car, I have to worry about his anger going wild every time we have an arguement or fight. It's everything.
     The other day, he had to go to court for driving on a suspended license and we had a disagreement. He called me some unruly and cruel names that no one should ever call their worst enemy, even. He tried to make the excuse of "No, I didn't actually call you that. I just said you were ACTING like one." Sorry to hand it to you, but in the real world, there is NO difference, specially when you are saying that stuff to your wife. It's inexcusable.

     I have been crying ever since. It hurt me pretty bad to hear him call me those things or to even mention that that is how he views me. All because of some stupid arguement about his fines. But then again, he always gets angry over the littlest of things and lets loose. It is extremely damaging. Being alone and single is better than being married and treated like the dirt he walks on. Being told that I'm freaking useless (worse words were initially used), being bruised both emotionally and physically, or being yelled, cursed, and screamed at just because I apparently "don't listen" or because "I'm pissing him off on purpose." It's not worth all the heartache nor the bodyache. I'm tired of being bruised up after every fight and waking up with puffy eyes. I'm tired of waking up to a pounding headache from all of the crying I did the night before. I'm tired of people thinking that I am weak because I still stay with an abusive person. I have stayed in this marriage even while being abused because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to try all I could to try to keep this marriage afloat. I felt like that is what God wanted me to do. But, it always backfires on me, or that's just God's way of saying "OK, I am giving you an opportunity to separate." 

     I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. I have been having emotional breakdowns lately. I am so broken right now I am losing any hope even when I have tried to put hope in situations where there was none. I feel lower than low. I just want to spend the rest of my life with a good man who knows his duties, has his head on straight, and loves and cherrishes me with every fiber of his being. I had someone like that once but I made a mistake to turn him away, now look at me. I don't want people to make the same life changing mistake I did. It is a lonely road ahead. I just need to pray that God will be here with me through it all and to help guide me along the way. 

Skimming Through Marital Issues

     Marital problems. They get to you at times. We have tried to try to keep things at least tolerable but it usually blows up in my face. Nothing seems to help in the way it needs and nothing seems to be a strong point.
     I won't tell you my story just yet, but I will say that my marriage has been a tough one. We married young (as we still are) and honestly didn't think anything through when we decided to get married. This journey has proven to be a turning point for me. I was in my rebellious stage and decided to go for the "bad" guy. Boy, was that a mistake.
     I will make this clear; when I mean that it was a mistake, I don't mean that in the way you think. I never would have dated a guy like that not even think twice about looking at him, but I was having a really hard time with life and stress at that point so I sort of acted out. I dated a guy who cursed like nothing else and drank and smoked. He was proud and thought himself invincible. He had too many girl friends that he also flirted with even though he made excuses for it. He hardly had any guy friends because all the ones he had in high school had grown up ... but not him. Not my husband. He was 21 going on 15 at times, then at others, even 10. Unfortunately, absolutely none of that has changed even to this day.
     His family was a bit of a horrid family after a while of seeing what kind of people they were even though they were still nice to me in person because they had to be. They were great at first, but after we started having problems and I realized that I wasn't the only person he had feelings for it seemed, I confronted him and all that went to hell. His family has always thought that I was the problem. They thought I was a spoiled brat who got mad if things didn't go her way. Yes, I admit that if things don't go my way that I was angry, but when I say "my way", I actually mean appropriate things . .  Common sense kind of stuff. The things he did were nothing near appropriate for when you are in a relationship. His family thought he did no wrong. All they saw was that I would separate from him once in a while. That is ALL they saw. Oh, but trust me, I didn't necessarily have a clean slate. I had always thought that the perain you marry would automatically do the right thing. But there it is .. I assume things. I also like to talk about our problems. If something is bothering me, I speak up about it and want to sit down and talk.
     Things were doomed even before we got married, but after we did, I knew that things had to change. I realized that I now had responsibility not just as an adult, but as a wife. I changed my attitude about things and that didn't make him happy. I basically made things change even though he didn't want them to. I know he thought I was being controlling, but I realized it was time to grow up and get serious about our responsibilities. There were definite boundaries in marriage that he crossed from the start and I was seeking to put an end to that. Honestly I was hoping he would do it of his own accord. It took him a while but he eventually did ... for a while.
     Even with that, there are a lot more problems we have had that have made us separate a good number of times. And to tell you the truth, we are separated now. It kills me that things have ended this way. The only thing I can do is look back on how things were and learn from the mistakes I've made. I am hoping he would do the same, but it'll take a life or death situation for him to realize that he's done some serious stuff. I have made my mistakes just as he has his, but nothing at all like this. At least not that he has come to me about. Things like not understanding what he's wanting me to do with car stuff or such as that, I complain a lot about hurting. I am sick a lot. I come to conclusions before I confront him, but there's a lot to go with that too. I raise my voice more than I ever have since I have never raised my voice in a relationship before. I am insecure and jealous at times. I have depression and worry a lot. These are all of my problems, but the only conclusion I can come to is; I am only human. We make mistakes and poor choices, but it's only a mistake if you actually learn from it and move on. I don't realize that I do these things as often as I do, but I know that I can't make excuses and that I need to do better about it.

     My life has been wonderful but there have also been rough times, but the roughest of all had to be either my senior year or my marriage. Sometimes I just can't believe that I got myself into this mess in the first place. I have, however, learned to deal with my choices and to take up my responsibilities. I have learned so much from this marriage even though it has been more along the lines of "For worse" than "For better" I have tried to stick through it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I do truly love my husband too. I never thought I could love him as much as I do. We have gone through so much together that yes, while part of my love for him died with the things he has done and said to me, my love has also grown with trying to press on. It truly does amaze me at how God does that. Even through the darkest of times, He will remind me of why I am here and that I need to remember that I got myself here, against His will, and I need to get myself out and that He will help pull me up when I get too weak to stand it anymore.
     I hope this little bit helps other people out there reading this. Not every marriage or relationahip is perfect. These things take a lot of time, effort, patience, and humility. Don't turn around when things get rough. Don't just think to up and leave when there are problems. You have to face those issues . . together. I honestly don't think I have done a good job even with the circumstances I have been in with my husband, but I always remembered that we are MARRIED and that marriage is extremely serious, a LOT more serious than people make it out to be in this day and age. People think that they can throw relationships as special and sacred as marriage away when something goes awry. That happens to be such nonsense. It makes me sad when people think of it as just another relationship but a little more serious. You have promised to be with ONE person physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually for the rest of ya'lls lives. But even so, I do hope that people will learn from my experiences and my story. Maybe I can help others realize that they aren't alone and that I can relate. If you stumble and fall into a dark tunnel, just remember that no matter how deep or dark that tunnel is, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and someone will be there to pick you up.
     

An issue

     I can't help but wonder, does he even truly love me? If he loved me, he wouldn't treat me in such ways or talk to me the way he usually does. Why can't he treat me like I am his wife and not his "punching bag" or an animal. Why is it so hard for him to treat me with love, honor, respect, or decency? Am I that terrible of a person that he has to touch me in the way he does or to talk to me like I am a complete idiot with no common sense? Do I really make him THAT mad that he has to yell and curse at me like he does? Am I truly not deserving of love or respect? Have I messed up? 
     Unfortunately, I know where he gets it. My husband's mom's side of the family is Polish royalty. He was brought up in the Catholic church and still considers himself as such even though he doesn't practice it nor does he actually believe in much of anything. Eithe that ot he believes in everything (I can't exactly tell which one). He thinks that he got himself where he is today (not that he should be proud of that) and says that he didn't do any of it with God's help, just his own.
     My husband has always had an anger problem from what I have heard. The main problem is, his parents didn't know how to handle him acting out. I have no proof except for his word, but he has told me stuff that gave me goosebumps in a bad way. I have been told that since his parents didn't know how to "control" him, they would tie him up in a chair with zip ties, beat his head into the floor or the wall, broke a couple of rulers on him, threatened to hit him with a mag light, and the list goes on. Not only that but my friend's mom witnessed his mother do something to him in public while at the pool (I do not know details at this present time other than she slapped or hit him). No wonder he turned out like he has. He has a huge temper, occasionally throws temper tantrums involving cursing, yelling, screaming, and a slam of the door and, therefore, somewhat breaking it. I have seen these tantrums along with fights and meaningless arguments he and his family have. I have never witnessed such disrespect towards other humans in my life. I never even hear them say "I love you" except when getting off the phone. I mean, no wonder he and I have problems, not to mention we have been living in his parents place since we got married. Just try to imagine the things I have to hear and experience. I have never witnessed a family treat each other in such ways. At one point, he and his dad got into an argument and he got into his face but his mom intervened by stepping in the way and making him put his anger on her. She would yell and curse back at him and even egged him on to hit her. And actually, he did a while before that. Either that or it was that time. I witnessed it myself but seeing how this family was, I was learning that his was normal for them. It was normal to threaten each other and to hit and to let him put you in choke holds or to yell and curse like no one could hear you. To put your hand on each other or to speak to one another in anger ... that is a normal day to them. They see nothing wrong with it. 
     This, ladies and gentleman, is the kind of person my husband has become. I won't say that it's all because of his family, certainly not. He is 25 years old so I know that he knows that that is NOT the way to treat anyone. He make excuses, of course, saying that I piss him off on purpose and that I push him over the edge because I know what pisses him off yet I do it anyways. Even though I know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes and do things wrong, he has no patience nor does he care if he does that to me until I call the cops or anything pertaining to him getting into trouble. 
     I finally decided that a year of having to deal with him grabbing me by the arms and shaking me at times or trying to drag me out of a car and cursing at me was enough. I called the cops (I threatened to call, but he dialed them for me and told me to press send, so I did) and he wasn't too happy with that, nor was his family. That think that I made the story up or that I was mad because  I "didn't get my way". I'm sorry, but what did I want to come out of this? Do I enjoy pissing my husband off and him putting his hands on me and grabbing so hard enough that I get bruises? Honestly. -.-  It makes me wonder how he even survived his childhood. How can people be so oblivious and ignorant to right and wrong? I really don't get it. I just hope that he is finally starting to realize that that is not a family. A family is a group of people who love each other and who do not treat each other like animals. And that is how he has been treating me as well. From my experience with him, it feels like he thinks that everyone except for him is inferior and either ignorant and lack common sense or just am plain stupid. That's how he acts. Nothing is as important as him and his ideas. 
     I thought that with being married to him, maybe he would learn how to truly love someone. Well, my goal was too high. I tried but I guess I wasn't as good an example like I thought I was or would hopen to be. But that is what I have to deal with, not only from him, but his family too. I am ready to get out of those situations. I am wanting to be set free from having to deal with that kind of stuff. I thought what I had to do was to just deal with it since it is his family, but now I know that nothing will change if someone finally calls them out on their behavior. While I know right from wrong, I know that I don't always act the way I should either. But I know when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. Maybe, just maybe, other people could learn this too.