All the bad things . .

     Tonight is one of those nights where it's hard to stop thinking about everything that has happened in my life that has led me to where I am now. How has it made me a better person? Have I grown stronger with God through it? Can I truly heal from these experiences? What have I done? Why did I do any of that? Will God ever bless me when I get both feet on the path He had for me in the first place? Did His plan for me change when I married the wrong person? Will I ever have that one person in my life again that I know He made specially for me? Will that person forgive me? These are the questions I ask myself every single day. 
     With everything that has happened to me, I have gotten through with the help of my family and God's grace and love. My migraines started 7 years ago, and I have gotten through it all with mom's help. She has had them for 30 years and understands how I feel when others can't even fathom the kind of pain I am in. People at school would always brush me off their shoulders because I was always sick. In their minds, sick is just a word and maybe a stomach ache. To me, it's a bottomless pit of hurt and pain while still trying to maintain a semi normal life. I still had to try to deal with homework and dance classes. I still made time for my friends. The teachers were amazing with helping me and praying for me, yet they still could not try to understand me. I was in the hospital and at home so so sick most of the time. My friends, well, that's a different matter. I had a best friend and she basically erased me from her life unless she wanted to butt into my personal life. After her, I wasn't honestly close to anyone. I felt alone. I came home crying from school most days because I hated it there and I would always feel so sick that keeping my emotions in was making it worse. Nobody understood or even tried to understand what I was going through. They didn't care. 
     I went to UVA's medical facility to see if they could help figure out what was going on since my neurologist couldn't even explain it. And he was the best child neurologist there was near here. All they came up with was that I had a vitamin B deficiency because I don't eat fruits or vegetables. Well, that did not even come close to the problem. I went to a doctor who said that it was because I had TMJ. Nope, I don't actually have TMJ. They just wanted us to spend money. I even went to a doctor to get acupuncture. Nope, definitely disn't help. We went to do many different doctors. Then my mom found a doctor who did trigger point injections or lidocaine shots. It made me sick for about a day or two after I got them, but they helped tremendously! Every month my head knew it was time to get more shots because they would get very bad again. After I lost my insurance after my husband and I started dating, the migraines got even better. I guess those shots helped in the long run. 
     While that was trying to get fixed, I wrestled with schoolwork, trying to feel normal and accepted in school, dance, and then it all came together when I met God's match for me. I was 16 and he was 15, but we instantly knew that we were meant to be when we were introduced and was told that he was a Christian too. It's like God tugged at my heart and opened my eyes. The feeling was absolutely amazing! Three days after we met, he asked me out. My family instantly welcomed him and we were all so blessed. Not too long after that, I was raped. I didn't tell anyone for a whole year, not even my boyfriend. I kept it in as long as possible because I didn't want anyone to know how hurt I really was and what I was going through. I felt like I was a burden enough with the migraines. A couple months after that, on Christmas day, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were on the couch and he gave me my present which was a ring in the shape of a heart with seven stones making the right side of the heart. He wanted to buy me an actual engagement ring after he got enough money, but I didn't care. I had him. 
     The next year, my senior year, was going to be the worst year of my life at that point. My migraines were getting a lot worse because I was still keeping my emotions in and my depression was getting worse, and because of that I was home a lot and my grades were slipping. I was getting cut from dance teams because of it as well and that was almost unbearable as it is. I had to ask off of work a lot (gymnastics coach). My sister had run away to another state and got herself into a situation of her own. After a whole year, in September, I finally told someone about being raped, and I was pulled aside by our principle and counselor. They called my parents and they came to get me and then we filed a police report. Telling my fiancée was the worst part along with seeing my parents like that. Our relationship was not the same after that. 
     Then dad lost his job in December. We were all hurt from that. God took good care of us still, but I knew we were hurting. Things with dance were getting bad with one of the other dancers families because they were such snobs and thought they would put me and other families down because they had a high opinion of themselves. I later found out what actually was wrong, but that will come later. 
     Then, the night before my mom's birthday, my fiancée broke things off. I was so overwhelmed and honestly broken by everything that was going on, that as I was on the phone, I ran to the kitchen and got a knife from the drawer and came back to my room. The last words I uttered to him was "I love you", then I stabbed myself. My dad heard me gurgling and came running in and told my finches that he would have to call him back. He didn't even realize that I had just tried to end my life while we were on the phone. My parents rushed me to the hospital and all the way there, I was siting "Love Story" by Taylor Swift because that was our engagement song and our movie was The Notebook. I told mom, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird. Right Mom?" I can honestly say, I didn't really feel a thing when I plunged that knife into my stomach. Not that kind of pain, anyways. I was only feeling the hurt and pain I had endured all this time and knowing that I was causing that kind of pain for my family and everyone around me. Everything was my fault. My fiancee breaking things off was just the top on a big cake of problems.
     I was rushed into emergency surgery. I had cut into my intestines and even punctured my pancreas. It took 4 hours of surgery and God's guidance and love to keep me at bay. I had put a whole foot in death's doorway. I was in the ICU for three days with a breathing tube. The first day when my parents said they had to leave, I actually tried to get up and go with them. That was hard seeing them leave. I didn't want to be alone. Since I couldn't talk, I did sign language. I would spell out words and ask for ice since I couldn't eat or drink anything on my own. After three days, they moved me to the 9th floor where the sweetest lady took excellent care of me. She sat with me day and night whenever she had her shifts. She helped me up, helped me eat, sat with me when mom and dad couldn't be there, and listened to me. We talked forever about anything and everything. She was a Godsend and such a blessing in such a low time. She gave me an angel pin to remember her by and to watch over me. 
     I got out of the hospital on February 4, and they moved me to the psychiatric center at another hospital since we had heard terrible things about the one at the hospital I was recovering in. I wasn't allowed any visitors except mom and dad two or three times a week and then pastors can come anytime they want. We got to call whoever was on our call list once a day and the only people on my list was Mom, Dad, and my grandma. For the first couple days I was there, I was on bed rest. I didn't come out of my room at all. After a couple of days of that, I was allowed to get out of my room only for classes that we had to take such as coping and depression help and stuff like that. I had a mess of people that were there with me. I was the suicidal while the others in there with me were either misfits, someone with eating disorders, someone who had seen her dad rape her mom and then chop her head off right in front of her, and a couple others with anger problems and run-ins with the law. Such a bunch, right?
     I stayed there for 6 grueling days and, I swear, they must have been drugging us. I have never felt that weird in my life. But when I got home, my dad surprised me. My fiancee was there. We mended things as best we could and continued to love beyond anyone's comprehension.
     Later that year, things got rough. Our relationship honestly was never the same and we both knew it. We still knew that we were going to marry, but I started acting a little strange. I had met a guy (Bobby) at my work who was in one of the tumbling classes that I helped with on Monday nights. My fiancee and I decided to take a break, but he made me promise to not date anyone else. I didn't want to lose him, so I agreed. Unfortunately, my attitude grew cold and me and this guy started dating. He was a show off, but very attractive and a Marine. I was attracted to him because I was wondering what it was like to date a "bad boy", but, now I know. We dated 8 months, and through that time, my fiancee fought for me. Waited for me. I treated him like dirt. Bobby had mentioned that we should get married a little after I had a miscarriage (his baby). And as he suggested that, I was starting to snap out of it. I was finally realizing that he was not the person that God had made for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I was acting so out of my character that it was making me sick.
     When he had gone to Morocco with the Marine Corps, I had talked to my former boyfriend and was still trying to figure things out. The day of his graduation, I was set to go to it and I had even planned on ua going to Olive Garden for dinner to talk and to celebrate, he texted me that I shouldn't bother coming because he was giving up. I drained him. I ended up staying locked in my room crying while my dad went without me. My fiancee was still expecting me, and that is when I really knew that I had let him down. I just gave up and didn't care what happened after that.
     Just a couple of days after that, I was carrying a load of laundry upstairs and when I was at the top, I got dizzy and passed out. I tumbled down the stairs and landed wrong at the bottom. My parents called for an ambulance and told me to just stay in the position I was. They came, got me onto a gurney, and took me to the ER. I had to have a neck brace because I had twisted my neck but I also had a blood clot in my neck that could be fatal if I moved in any certain way. Apparently Bobby had finally heard about my tumble down the stairs and was raising all kinds of hell to come back home as soon any possible.
     When Bobby came back from Morocco,  we got married the next day and have been married for three years. This is also the same guy who thinks it's okay to physically harm someone. Yes, I feel like I deserve the abuse for the way I treated my fiancee and for the way I strung both of them along. I deserve to be hurt the same way I hurt him. After three years of this, I am finally ready to let God take control of my heart again and let Him lead me in the direction I need to go.
     One day I will be ready to apologize to my ex fiancee, but I know that it would be inappropriate, right now. When the time is right, though, I will. From now on, I want to be able to live my life the way God wants me to. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I have learned the lessons I needed to and have grown from all of what I have experienced. I became a person who I hated because I wanted to experience what others got to. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I regret marrying the wrong person. The moment I married him, he was mine, and I was his. I knew that staying with him was the right thing to do since it was by my poor choices that I was in these situations. I took responsibility for my actions. I will keep all of these regrets for the rest of my life. But from now on, I want to become the person I used to be, the person my parents raised, the person God made and forgave.
     It's hard letting people see what kind of person I had become, but I hope others will learn from my poor choices. Maybe one day, I can finally forgive myself and so can my ex fiancee. 
     My husband and I have now been married for three years. It has certainly been a rough road but I knew it would be. Having to deal with crazy ex girlfriends, him drinking and smoking with young teenagers, inappropriate behavior with others, the domestic violence, and the inability to support a family has been a great burden. I myself have had the burden of coming to conclusions too fast and that has caused problems of its own. I also have communication issues but that one is reciprocal. 

Emotions

     Some days are easier than others to get through. At times, I don't even want to wake up. I just want to stay asleep and not feel the hurt or the pain. I miss him every day. I don't even get to hear his voice since we only text. I cry most of the day because I realized that unless he changes, I have no other choice. I am somewhat miserable with him, but I am more miserable without him. My heart hurts and I'm nauseous. I burst into tears when I think back on whatever good times we have had even though there aren't many.
     I'm not the one he's willing to do anything for. I'm not the one he is willing to provide for and to take care of. It hurts knowing. It hurts being the one who has to do everything and not get any credit or appreciation for it. But for some reason, I love him and miss him so much. There is something about him that always makes me come back. He gives me a sense of security, somehow. When I am in his arms, I feel so warm and while I don't feel so loved or comforted, it was good to know that I was in the arms of my husband. Even though he does not put all his emotions towards me, I am his wife. But why am I not enough? Why am I not worthy of ALL his love instead of just scratching the surface? I'm torn and I don't know what to do.

Taking It's Toll

     Life seems like it's not going to let up anytime soon. My sister and her husband have problems of their own so she and the kids are now living with us. It's so stressful but I know that we are really helping her out. She has been looking for jobs for two weeks or so and has gotten three calls back. She's doing a good job with balancing things and she also seems to be a lot more sane than I am. The protective order she tried to get didn't go through because he didn't harm her or threaten her at that time. So now the main problem at hand is custody. That court date isn't for another couple months. 
     I am still living with my mom and dad. It's been almost 9 months since I moved out of my in-laws place. I had tried to stop complaining or even thinking about my husband getting a job and things were getting better between us. We went on our anniversary trip and while we ran into a little bit of trouble, things were good, I think. We came back and things got hectic with my sister coming to live here. My nerves have been so crazy that I've been moody and stressed. We were talking with my mom one night and the idea of getting an apartment was brought up. I felt like we had some shimmer of hope that we can actually get through this hard time and be a family. I tried talking to him again about the job stuff and see if his attitude had changed. He just ignored me, again.
     I had to think long and hard about what needed to happen and I told my husband that we needed to come up with a plan. He ignored me on that too. If we were going to try to make things work, he needs to help me with pulling the weight. After all of the abuse and emotional cheating and the irresponsibility, I don't know what else to do. I feel sad, alone, unappreciated, and unloved at times. I love him so much and for some reason, I just can't be without him. He comforts me even though he makes me scared at times. He has a certain warmth to him that makes me feel safe from anything and everybody else, except himself. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and it has to change now, for both of us. I was emotionally cracking and I finally mentioned that we should divorce. He thought it was a joke at first but after a couple of days with not talking, he got the idea but I have been an emotional wreck. I'm crying every day and am not eating much. I miss him and above all, I love him. Even now, I really just don't want to give up. 
     I still tried texting him and he said that I wasn't worth it anymore and that I have caused enough problems. He's been turning the whole thing around and it hurts. I know that I will hurt either way. I'm going to hurt if I stay with him because I know he won't change and will continue to be physically , verbally, and emotionally harming to me even if it gets better, but I also know that I will hurt if I leave him because I love him and will feel like a failure. I know that I have not done a good job with being encouraging to him with the work situation and I haven't helped anything. I know I complain and nag all the time and I'm stressed. I know that I assume too much instead of calmly confronting him even though I'm right maybe 90% of the time and he still continues to lie even when I catch him. I know I don't trust him but there are reasons for that and he hasnt tried to gain it back. I even texted him about how we could fix things and he said 1) I'm gonna have to trust him .. hands down above anything else and 2) to never go through his phone or messages anymore. Playing along and trying not to argue about it, I told him that that presents another question : "How else were you planning to gain my trust back since you won't let me look at your phone? That is how you lost my trust so it would only be fitting that that's how you gain it back, but since you are adament on still hiding all of that, you need to come up with some other way. " His pathetic response, "Or you could just suck it the f*** up. I'll even give you a straw." But in his eyes, I read too much into things and take them the wrong way. 
     Why do I let him do this to me and talk to me this way? Honest to goodness, I don't know. All I do know is that I love him and want to get appreciation for what I do right and love. Whatever love and affection or true intimacy I do get is a treat. That's how I see it. I am looking for him to treat me like I am more than just somebody. I want him to test me like I am his only. I am so hurt throughout all of this that I am wondering if it really is my fault or if he is just trying to make me out I be the bad guy. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm nothing anymore.