"Don't come back." . . . Those are three of the hardest words I have ever had to say.
The feeling you have when you are so confident in needing to say it is not too bad except feeling nauseous because you know you don't want to do it. On the other hand, the feeling you have after you say is a lot more devestating. It leaves you feeling empty and numb as first where you don't know how to feel. After a couple of days, the tears finally show up. You try to keep as busy and focused as possible at work but your eyes water a good couple of times. You may even need to excuse yourself so you can cry to yourself in the bathroom so no one will see you and ask if you are okay. When you get home, you try so hard to not let your parents see how hurt you are so they can just assume you are okay. But then later at night, you just ... burst.
My daughter is dead and now I had to say good-bye to her father. The guy I have loved for almost 8 years. The man who hurt me, cheated on me, bashed me, and made me feel as worthless as possible; yet he also made me love our daughter so much more, gave us both a way to cope with her loss, made me love him more just by watching him play with other kids, made me question whether I gave up too soon on our marriage or not, and made me fall in love with him even more afterwards. That toxic relationship we had could not be covered even if we both tried. No relationship is easy but ours never was .. not even a little bit. I was too serious, he was too immature. I was too territorial, he was a cheater. I assumed things instead of asking about them, he had anger issues that escalated quickly and fiercely. I wanted a place of our own, he was comfortable staying with his parents. I wanted to be financially stable, he wanted to spend money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. I worked all but one year because of health issues, he worked for only one year other than the Marine Corps reserves. I wanted loyal love and affection, he wanted sex and fun. I wanted Christ, he wanted his own life to live. I wanted closeness, he wanted adventure. I wanted encouragement, he wanted someone to stroke his ego. I wanted to be responsible, he wanted to play. I made ultimatums, he didn't care. I was hurting, he was angry.
Our life was not easy and that was both of our faults. He had major issues that were obvious when mine were ones that I didn't even notice until after the divorce when we were actually able to calmly talk about our problems. Little by little, I tried to change my way of thinking and how I reacted to things and how I communicated. He changed drastically after getting out of jail and I saw a difference from the start. I made sure I told him of how proud I was of him and tried to encourage him to keep it up. He got me to laugh more and to not be as serious. He showed me love like I had wished for our whole marriage and I fell in love with him more deeply than I ever thought possible of someone who had hurt me so bad in so many ways. We wwre happy, even if we were just friends and trying to figure out what was what.
While most things seem like they had vanished and blossoms sprouted, there were some cases where I could tell that he still had anger inside of him. His road rage was still to the point where I was afraid to be in the vehicle with him, he almost threw one of his dad's oxygen tanks at his mom, and he was slowly becomin controling again here and there.
And then there was me. I had told myself that we couldn't be together again, but I wanted to still be here for him and help him become the man I knew he could be. So we stayed in contact. He and another woman grew to be even closer friends and at first I didn't care, but knowing how Bobby still loved me and I him, it made me remember even more that this woman had tried to interfere even when we were still married. I dispised her for a while but now it was clear that even though I still had his heart, she was going to put it in my face. But then again, he let her. He was starting to lie to me all over again and I tried to hide my hurt and anger, but I couldn't. We didn't talk for a little while and then we were fine after I had to get over the fact that he was going to allow others to cause problems for us whether it be as friends or more. He wouldn't stand up for me and our relationship except to say to get over it .. on both her side as well as mine. He would still do things with her that he would normally only do with me, but I knew I had to deal with it and get over it. I knew something was going on between them but he would still deny it to this day. She had a daughter that he was doting on more than he should have, but I had to cringe and bear it. He was taking her trick or treating, bringing her soup when she was sick, and making her a Christmas stocking .... and I was made to sit on the sidelines and bawl my eyes out because she has a living daughter that he can be around while the child that we concieved together is dead. My hands and arms are empty while he had someone to hug and to share those memories with. That made it all hurt so much more.
After some time, I would push a bit and she and I both had enough. She knew that he loved me and that she would finally back off, even though she didn't know how to for a while. But things ended fine right before Christmas and she and I even apologized for our behaviors. Bobby and I had gotten even better after that.
But things still didn't always feel right when he really wanted me to do something. He would push things to the point where I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to stay home and be by myself. But within the last week or two, it seems like he stayed angry and stressed all the time again. But this time, that I know of, it wasn't my fault.
And then Friday night came and that's where I had to call it quits. I had told him after we kept close that if he treated me like he used to, I was going to have to let him go and he would have to let me walk out of his life. Friday night was that unfortunate time. When you are being called every horrid name that you should never ever be called for any reason, you know you need to leave. I was called the "B" word and the"C" word with plenty of "F"s mixed all around them. I had lived like that before and I didn't plan on doing it again. I know that some people will find that hard to swallow, but the reality is that some people actually do have this kind of vocabulary.
I love Bobby more than I can even explain and I am crying my eyes out just typing this. I truly do love him with all my heart, more than I ever thought possible. But I know that we are not meant to be together for many reasons. We both have someone out there who were made for us specifically. It hurts to know that after all of these years, I have to hurt some more and have such heartache. I don't have my daughter to love on, and now I no longer have her dad to hug or cry on either. Our family is officially broken and it hurts so bad. I am on my own and I am alone. And I don't know how to deal with such sorrow and loss when my heart loves them and wants us to be a family so much.
