There are times in life where you feel like you have made progress or that someone extra special to you has made progress in their life journey, and you are happy with where you are. But then at other times, things come around full circle. Again and again and again. You have seen this same thing in the exact same spot. You've been here before. The place where "here" is scares you and leaves you crying inside. You are shaking. You are cold. Not that you look it on the outside because everyone else would know that something is wrong and you are tired of making stuff up to avoid more questions. Either that or you are ashamed of being in the exact same spot that you had been yet had gotten out of .. until something ropes you in again.
One minute he threatens to hit you if you say another word and then a couple of hours later he is saying that he loves you. This is the journey that has been your life for eight years or so. You start crying and he gets pissed because he doesn't think he's the bad guy and because "you" are the one who is overreacting. But no ... you later go home and cry to yourself because you have been in this situation way too many times and you have been tired of it. I mean, it's why you divorced the guy in the first place, right? He belittles you calling you stupid and whatever explicit word he decides fits into his mind frame at the time. This is the life you had promised to leave behind. For good.
But then something happens to change your life and things are brought back together. You feel lost. He is all that is left of your daughter. The woman who just died was like a mother to the both of you and she is pretty much the only one who really wanted ya'll to make things work out. So it is worth another try ... right?
The sooner you realize how easy it is to get stuck in the pit that you had victoriously gotten out of, the sooner you will understand why it is so important to stay away from anyone who is even remotely near that pit of despair. The hopes and dreams you find yourself having will start to be the only thing that you want to work towards while they will either bring you down or won't say a single word about it but instead will praise himself and make himself the center of attention. Don't try to make excuses for acting "ok" with being treated this way. It is no way to live, not only for you but for the other person as well. They may be pushing you into that pit, but that just means that they themselves live there for one reason or another. They need help out too. However, that is a journey that they need to make on their own merit, with or without you beside them trying to encourage them. They are responsible for their own words and actions. Not you. You are responsible for your own.
My point is, don't keep yourself in this constant circle of manipulation and let downs because it will only continue on and possibly get worse. The cycle is not easy to break nor is it easy to heal from, but it is worth every tear and every lost memory that you can let go of. Your heart and mind will be lighter, your steps won't feel as heavy, and you will find a new excitement in your future. You will have accomplished something far more than getting out of a bad relationship. You will have defeated the very demons that kept a noose around your heart. You will have broken the chains that kept you from being truly happy without wondering when the next blowup would be. You will be able to breathe the free air again. And it will hurt at first .. but after you get used to it, there will be beauty in the smile that you can finally wear with confidence, not with uncertainty.
So for all of you reading this, please don't be like me who is constantly worrying about what others think of you. Don't keep falling for a guy who has so much anger and hatred in his life that he ignores it even when he catches himself doing it all over again. Don't put yourself through hell just so you can have some taste of Heaven whether it be a little or a lot. But most importantly, don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. No one deserves to be yelled and cursed at. That's not life. That's a form of slavery. Be courageous, be careful, and be willing to walk away when necessary.
