Anger. Hurt. Hate. Guilt. These are things that can swallow us whole if we let them. They can keep us from being the people we once were before the circumstances that led to those feelings happened to us. For me, it has been all of that combined.
I was 16 years old when someone decided to take advantage of my naivety. I was 16 when someone took advantage of my bodily innocense which was something precious to me that I can never get back. But maybe I deserved that for being so stupid and gullible.
I am still not ready to talk about it in detail for all to read, but I am willing to share a breakthrough in my healing process. I even feel like sharing "this" makes me more vulnerable because it is still a constant battle to deal with.
I didn't say anything to anyone for a whole year. Imagine that .. keeping such a secret hidden away from everyone you wanted to cry and bury your head in to. Realizing what had happened to you and needing to keep it secret for the sake of yourself and others. Looking over your shoulder to make sure you aren't being watched to see if you slip up. Crying while you are in the shower because you can't cry in front of anyone and because you feel so filthy. You start hating yourself for letting something like that happen. You hate the way you look because all you can see is someone who is dirty and stupid. You start cutting yourself because it is easier to feel the physical pain than the emotional pain. You freak out when you hear someone who sounds like him. You keep reminding yourself that you could have done things differently to prevent it from happening.
But after keeping it hidden for a little while, I tried to become immune to the devestation it caused me. I pushed it into the back of my mind and tried everything I could to forget it even happened. I felt like maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away and I wouldn't remember. That never happened but it was a good try.
I had finally told someone after a whole year of keeping it in. But that also made things worse emotionally. I had to tell what happened over and over. I had to tell my fiance that his own cousin did this to me. I had to explain to the cops why I hadn't come forward. I had to deal with my parents views and opions on the situation. I had to deal with my classmates either helping me wallow in pity or bashing me and making fun of me because they thought I was lying.
Ten years have passed since that happened to me. I have still tried to keep it all at the very back of my mind hoping it will be buried deep enough to never have it come up again. But it does. I still have nightmares at times but at least I don't constantly look over my shoulder anymore.
But that also means that I have had ten years to keep and build up anger and hatred towards the man who did this. It's like I have a scratch on my heart that scabs over, and when I scratch it again, it reopens.
But I think I am ready for all of that to change. I want to let go of the things that are poisonous to my wellbeing and relationship with the Lord. I have been praying about this for a little while and I feel that it is very necessary (as well as commanded) to forgive those who have done you wrong. In order for me to move on, I have got to learn to deal with this appropriately which happens to include forgiving my rapist. I also need to learn to forgive myself.
You cannot stay in the past and expect to be able to move forward with your life in a positive way if you still have those lingering and deep rooted issues roaming about. In one way or another, it will warp your mind and make you a slave to your own memories and emotions. Trust me, you do not want it to become like that.
Forgiving the man who has helped poison my life is one of the biggest steps I am about to take. I am scared to finally try to let go of all of the anger but I am ready for the peace that comes after one let's go of such things. So I would ask anyone who is ready this to please pray for me as I learn to forgive such a deed carried out by a lost man and how to truly heal from all of this. May God be glorified in my decision to be obedient in learning AND acting out true forgiveness. I am ready to let go!
