Sometimes it seems like when you think you have your life under control, you find out in some way or another that you don't. It doesn't take a lot to bring you down a step or two from where you have been and what you have been striving for.
For a couple of years now, I have been having what was thought to be ovarian cyst pain, but lately the pain has gotten a lot worse. I went to my doctor last year and he couldn't see anything Gynecologically wrong but decided to do laproscopic surgery just to make sure. The only thing he saw during that was scar tissue from my major abdominal surgery back in 2009. They had taken a good bit of that down but it didn't work. A year after the surgery (just a month ago), I went back to see him since the pain was getting worse. They did another ultrasound which was excruciating in and of itself, but resulted in no findings.
My doctor had been thinking all along that this wasn't a GYN issue, so he referred me to a general surgeon to see what he could come up with. This doctor was not very personal until he started to read what all the surgeons had to do to help stitch me up in 2009 from my suicide attempt. He kept silent while reading for a good 10 plus minutes. He said that things were quite extensive and that I am very lucky to be alive through such an ordeal let alone all the work they had to do to fix me. But even with that, he believed my explanations to questions were returning him back to the Gynecological aspect.
So I went back to him and he told me that he really didn't know where else to go from here except to refer me to a Pelvic Pain Specialist. He said that if anything doesn't fit into his category of help, then this person is the next person to go to. I have an appointment with this doctor in a month.
My pain has been so excruciating for the past week or two that I burst into tears while my parents and I were out at dinner and I was even about to ask them to take me to the ER. I know that I can't get time off from work right now that that's not a good idea so I have tried to bear it as best as I can.
Then today came around. I have held on to this pain to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. My body feels like it's giving up and cracking down. I can feel it breaking down on me. I can't hold a lot in my bladder without busting. I want food but when I go to get some, it's like my body is saying that it's so tired that it take anything right now. Today, even getting out of bed was a chore. I feel like a part of my life force has been drained from my body. All I can do is crawl into a fetal position and stay there until I fall asleep if I can even sleep that night. I am just so exhausted that I have even been forgetting things at work. I have to redo things a couple times over just to make sure I did it right. My body is breaking and there's nothing I can really do about it for a whole month. But I know that God is still good. He is with me even if I do go down a couple of notched from where I was. This is just a continuous fighting battle that I know I cannot win on my own. But with God, all things are possible and only He can give me peace.
