So comes the day when the unexpected is in fact expected. My sister and her husband left for Pennsylvania without letting us say good - bye to the kids and then came back for a couple days. My dad told her that she was not to take the car he had bought but she did anyways. They planned on coming back just to get more stuff to take back with them and my dad flat out told her that she was to leave it here this time. Apparently my brother-in-law's vehicle broke down in Pennsylvania and the only ride back is a UHAUL. My sister has not spoken to us all day because she turns her phone off when she doesn't want to deal with us. Her husband let us know that they are leaving tomorrow morning if we want to come and say good-bye.
The problem is not us being able to say good-bye to the kids, it's about my grandma. She has been devastated over my sisters choices and mistakes ever since she got together with him when she left for Pennsylvania the first time, but to do it all over again is killing her. She is lonely enough as it is and not being courteous enough to go over and make her more important than their hate. They can be mad at us even though we are right all they want. That doesn't make them parents of the year. What are they teaching their kids? How to be deceptive and how to lie to get what you want. They don't care about us or the kids, they just care about themselves and it is the saddest thing.
I just hope my sister knows that what happens now is all on her. It's no one's fault but theirs and they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of their choices. The problem is, their children have to suffer for it too. :( What parenting.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
There Is Always A Time To Heal And A Time To Cleave.
Four years ago today, I had to go through some of the worst kind of pain imaginable physically and emotionally. I had miscarried. I lost my child. It has eaten at me ever since it happened and it doesn't go away. People say it gets better with time, but in all honesty, it doesn't. It just gets somewhat easier to hold back the tears and fear as well as the anger and loneliness/emptiness that comes with it.
One of the things that made it harder on me was that I had to deal with it all alone. My husband and I weren't supposed to be talking for certain reasons and my mom was out of state visiting her best friend. The pain that I had to deal with was so unbearable and draining. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever. There were splotches and I knew that with this level of pain, something was extremely wrong. I had had a feeling that I might have been pregnant, but didnt know for sure so I even took a pregnancy test and it didn't show up positive until a couple of days later. I had taken another test that day and it was positive.
That wasn't too long before Mother's Day. Mom promised to get me a Mother's Day card. To this day, she never got me one. My husband told me a couple months later that I needed to get over it and deal with it. I am the odd one out who is a mother of an angel yet isn't considered a mother in most people's eyes. It's quite despicable and nauseating.
After a couple of years, my husband finally saw how upset and hurt I still was about losing our baby, so he bought me a necklace of Jane Seymour's Open Hearts Collection that has the angel wings and the halo in memory of our baby. That meant the world to me and showed me that he does care. I never take it off except to clean it.
I don't like having a "pity party", but this is how I deal with this loss. I talk about it and I also make sure I still think about my child even though I do all the time and can't help it. It's just so hard to deal with it when there are kids everywhere around you and you break down into tears because that should be your child playing with them. You see that husband and wife strolling along with their baby in her stroller? Yeah, that should be us. A happy family. But life doesn't go as it should or as planned.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I have a child who should be in this world with me. I have to deal with the pain of seeing other children play and of my friends being so happy throughout their pregnancy and having sonogram pictures. But I don't get that. I don't get any memories of the pregnancy let alone of their life in this world with me. I cannot walk through the stages of life with my child or read bedtime stories and cuddle. The feeling of the baby kicking and finding out what the gender is? No. I don't get that either.
It's so hard living my day to day life and not feeling sad or sorry that my body want strong enough to hold her. I get to live with more questions than answers. I get to have more wishes and prayers than hugs and kisses.
Today is my baby's 4th angelversary/birthday and I am no closer to dealing with it than I was back then. It hurts just as much but I do love my child even more. I also know that I will see her face to face when my time here is up. And for that, I am so thankful. I love my baby so much more than I thought possible. I have a certain connection with her that I don't get with anyone else. She is like my own security blanket. I love you so much, Angela. So so much.
One of the things that made it harder on me was that I had to deal with it all alone. My husband and I weren't supposed to be talking for certain reasons and my mom was out of state visiting her best friend. The pain that I had to deal with was so unbearable and draining. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever. There were splotches and I knew that with this level of pain, something was extremely wrong. I had had a feeling that I might have been pregnant, but didnt know for sure so I even took a pregnancy test and it didn't show up positive until a couple of days later. I had taken another test that day and it was positive.
That wasn't too long before Mother's Day. Mom promised to get me a Mother's Day card. To this day, she never got me one. My husband told me a couple months later that I needed to get over it and deal with it. I am the odd one out who is a mother of an angel yet isn't considered a mother in most people's eyes. It's quite despicable and nauseating.
After a couple of years, my husband finally saw how upset and hurt I still was about losing our baby, so he bought me a necklace of Jane Seymour's Open Hearts Collection that has the angel wings and the halo in memory of our baby. That meant the world to me and showed me that he does care. I never take it off except to clean it.
I don't like having a "pity party", but this is how I deal with this loss. I talk about it and I also make sure I still think about my child even though I do all the time and can't help it. It's just so hard to deal with it when there are kids everywhere around you and you break down into tears because that should be your child playing with them. You see that husband and wife strolling along with their baby in her stroller? Yeah, that should be us. A happy family. But life doesn't go as it should or as planned.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I have a child who should be in this world with me. I have to deal with the pain of seeing other children play and of my friends being so happy throughout their pregnancy and having sonogram pictures. But I don't get that. I don't get any memories of the pregnancy let alone of their life in this world with me. I cannot walk through the stages of life with my child or read bedtime stories and cuddle. The feeling of the baby kicking and finding out what the gender is? No. I don't get that either.
It's so hard living my day to day life and not feeling sad or sorry that my body want strong enough to hold her. I get to live with more questions than answers. I get to have more wishes and prayers than hugs and kisses.
Today is my baby's 4th angelversary/birthday and I am no closer to dealing with it than I was back then. It hurts just as much but I do love my child even more. I also know that I will see her face to face when my time here is up. And for that, I am so thankful. I love my baby so much more than I thought possible. I have a certain connection with her that I don't get with anyone else. She is like my own security blanket. I love you so much, Angela. So so much.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Out Of Our Hands And Into The Lord's
I have come to find that if it's not one thing, it's another. These days, it's mainly been all about my sister and problems with her husband. But most importantly, taking care of her kids.
One weekend in my junior year of high school, my sister just up and left for Pennsylvania without telling us. My dad was out of town so it was just me and mom at the house. We found a note in her room that let us know that she is moving to Pennsylvania with her "best friend" who picked her up and to have a great weekend. Even with the ever so meaningful well wishes, our weekend was one of the hardest to deal with.
My sister had met a married couple online and they befriended her and invited her to move there with them. They picked her up and brought her to Pennsylvania. After just two days of being there, the husband asked my sister if she wanted to bear his children. So she did.
Keep this in mind, my sister is not like any other adult. She is borderline mentally retarded so she doesn't have the mental stability or capacity that normal people do. This couple knew that and they took advantage her.
My sister shortly became pregnant with my nephew. She wanted to marry this guy so she made a big deal that the couple were still married. The guy had told her that they were in the middle of a divorce, but that didn't seem true by any means.
Throughout the pregnancy, there were signs of abuse. My sister would call my dad to come to get her and bring her back because he would grab her and drag her off the bed. My dad went to bring her back, but with no luck. She changed her mind. On the way back, my dad fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. Later she had called a second and then a third time, and still produced the same results.
My nephew was born six weeks early and had to be put into the NICU for quite some time. After a while, she and the couple came down so she could visit with us. It was nice to visit but it was a different story meeting the couple. Disgusting and vile as they were.
One day my sister had gotten out of their van and they just took off with her son. This had been their plan all along and even though she had seen an email between them, she still didn't believe it would happen. Either that or she didn't understand. She did get him back and the two of them ended up marrying and went back to Pennsylvania.
Ten months after she had my nephew, she gave birth to my niece. Things were rough for them since they were living in a not so good apartment thing, so after a while, they moved here. They stayed with me and my parents for a while then got their own place after they had enough money.
The abuse wasn't that often but when it did happen, it was bad. My sister would come over with black eye with make up over top of it. Apparently he and his ex wife lost custody of her kids a while back because of his abuse towards them. Things just kept on.
Now my sister has moved back in with us and her kids because of adultery situations. She has gone through a custody battle and a good many court dates for assault and battery which she has never gone through with. She has dropped every court thing and then expects us to still be behind her in her decisions. We have bent over backwards for her and we get nothing in return.
However, we do get time with the kids. But nowadays, even though she is separated from her husband and has a custody agreement, even when it is her weekend or her days, she is always at her husband's place. We only get to see the kids maybe 10 minutes a day since they only come back to sleep. Dad even bought her a car and she has been paying it off every month.
Yesterday, dad went to eat lunch with my nephew at school and found out from him that they are moving back to Pennsylvania. . . In two weeks. This is the thanks that my parents get for helping her through all of her crappy situations. We may never see those kids again if her husband has her way. But whatever happens now is all on her. We have helped her all we could and now it is up to her to deal with her decisions. Dad also said that because of That, she is not taking the car with her. He is going to give it either to me or mom. It also looks like dad is switching her phone with grandma's. He gave us new smartphones and is gonna make her leave it here since she uses up all of our data.
I am just so heartbroken for those kids having to deal with them as parents. It's just so sad to see all of this happening to them and their parents don't care. Why is it that people who don't care about putting their children before themselves can keep them? It's horrible. But God is with them and I know that He will not let any harm come to them.
This is one of the most trying times of our faith and trust in God, but we know that everything is in His hands. My sister is an adult and needs to finally take responsibility for her actions and deal with the consequences. We can no longer get her out of those situations. It is up to her now. All we can do is pray and hope. But one thing is for sure, if we didn't have faith, we wouldn't have anything. God is everything to us and He is in control.
One weekend in my junior year of high school, my sister just up and left for Pennsylvania without telling us. My dad was out of town so it was just me and mom at the house. We found a note in her room that let us know that she is moving to Pennsylvania with her "best friend" who picked her up and to have a great weekend. Even with the ever so meaningful well wishes, our weekend was one of the hardest to deal with.
My sister had met a married couple online and they befriended her and invited her to move there with them. They picked her up and brought her to Pennsylvania. After just two days of being there, the husband asked my sister if she wanted to bear his children. So she did.
Keep this in mind, my sister is not like any other adult. She is borderline mentally retarded so she doesn't have the mental stability or capacity that normal people do. This couple knew that and they took advantage her.
My sister shortly became pregnant with my nephew. She wanted to marry this guy so she made a big deal that the couple were still married. The guy had told her that they were in the middle of a divorce, but that didn't seem true by any means.
Throughout the pregnancy, there were signs of abuse. My sister would call my dad to come to get her and bring her back because he would grab her and drag her off the bed. My dad went to bring her back, but with no luck. She changed her mind. On the way back, my dad fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. Later she had called a second and then a third time, and still produced the same results.
My nephew was born six weeks early and had to be put into the NICU for quite some time. After a while, she and the couple came down so she could visit with us. It was nice to visit but it was a different story meeting the couple. Disgusting and vile as they were.
One day my sister had gotten out of their van and they just took off with her son. This had been their plan all along and even though she had seen an email between them, she still didn't believe it would happen. Either that or she didn't understand. She did get him back and the two of them ended up marrying and went back to Pennsylvania.
Ten months after she had my nephew, she gave birth to my niece. Things were rough for them since they were living in a not so good apartment thing, so after a while, they moved here. They stayed with me and my parents for a while then got their own place after they had enough money.
The abuse wasn't that often but when it did happen, it was bad. My sister would come over with black eye with make up over top of it. Apparently he and his ex wife lost custody of her kids a while back because of his abuse towards them. Things just kept on.
Now my sister has moved back in with us and her kids because of adultery situations. She has gone through a custody battle and a good many court dates for assault and battery which she has never gone through with. She has dropped every court thing and then expects us to still be behind her in her decisions. We have bent over backwards for her and we get nothing in return.
However, we do get time with the kids. But nowadays, even though she is separated from her husband and has a custody agreement, even when it is her weekend or her days, she is always at her husband's place. We only get to see the kids maybe 10 minutes a day since they only come back to sleep. Dad even bought her a car and she has been paying it off every month.
Yesterday, dad went to eat lunch with my nephew at school and found out from him that they are moving back to Pennsylvania. . . In two weeks. This is the thanks that my parents get for helping her through all of her crappy situations. We may never see those kids again if her husband has her way. But whatever happens now is all on her. We have helped her all we could and now it is up to her to deal with her decisions. Dad also said that because of That, she is not taking the car with her. He is going to give it either to me or mom. It also looks like dad is switching her phone with grandma's. He gave us new smartphones and is gonna make her leave it here since she uses up all of our data.
I am just so heartbroken for those kids having to deal with them as parents. It's just so sad to see all of this happening to them and their parents don't care. Why is it that people who don't care about putting their children before themselves can keep them? It's horrible. But God is with them and I know that He will not let any harm come to them.
This is one of the most trying times of our faith and trust in God, but we know that everything is in His hands. My sister is an adult and needs to finally take responsibility for her actions and deal with the consequences. We can no longer get her out of those situations. It is up to her now. All we can do is pray and hope. But one thing is for sure, if we didn't have faith, we wouldn't have anything. God is everything to us and He is in control.
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