Four years ago today, I had to go through some of the worst kind of pain imaginable physically and emotionally. I had miscarried. I lost my child. It has eaten at me ever since it happened and it doesn't go away. People say it gets better with time, but in all honesty, it doesn't. It just gets somewhat easier to hold back the tears and fear as well as the anger and loneliness/emptiness that comes with it.
One of the things that made it harder on me was that I had to deal with it all alone. My husband and I weren't supposed to be talking for certain reasons and my mom was out of state visiting her best friend. The pain that I had to deal with was so unbearable and draining. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever. There were splotches and I knew that with this level of pain, something was extremely wrong. I had had a feeling that I might have been pregnant, but didnt know for sure so I even took a pregnancy test and it didn't show up positive until a couple of days later. I had taken another test that day and it was positive.
That wasn't too long before Mother's Day. Mom promised to get me a Mother's Day card. To this day, she never got me one. My husband told me a couple months later that I needed to get over it and deal with it. I am the odd one out who is a mother of an angel yet isn't considered a mother in most people's eyes. It's quite despicable and nauseating.
After a couple of years, my husband finally saw how upset and hurt I still was about losing our baby, so he bought me a necklace of Jane Seymour's Open Hearts Collection that has the angel wings and the halo in memory of our baby. That meant the world to me and showed me that he does care. I never take it off except to clean it.
I don't like having a "pity party", but this is how I deal with this loss. I talk about it and I also make sure I still think about my child even though I do all the time and can't help it. It's just so hard to deal with it when there are kids everywhere around you and you break down into tears because that should be your child playing with them. You see that husband and wife strolling along with their baby in her stroller? Yeah, that should be us. A happy family. But life doesn't go as it should or as planned.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I have a child who should be in this world with me. I have to deal with the pain of seeing other children play and of my friends being so happy throughout their pregnancy and having sonogram pictures. But I don't get that. I don't get any memories of the pregnancy let alone of their life in this world with me. I cannot walk through the stages of life with my child or read bedtime stories and cuddle. The feeling of the baby kicking and finding out what the gender is? No. I don't get that either.
It's so hard living my day to day life and not feeling sad or sorry that my body want strong enough to hold her. I get to live with more questions than answers. I get to have more wishes and prayers than hugs and kisses.
Today is my baby's 4th angelversary/birthday and I am no closer to dealing with it than I was back then. It hurts just as much but I do love my child even more. I also know that I will see her face to face when my time here is up. And for that, I am so thankful. I love my baby so much more than I thought possible. I have a certain connection with her that I don't get with anyone else. She is like my own security blanket. I love you so much, Angela. So so much.
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