Tonight is hard. Extremely hard. Losing a child is one of the worst things to endure, but to see everyone so happy and having Christmas pictures done and all is tearing me down. My hurt is so great because I love someone so much that I never even got to meet. I just want to have a family and I know that it won't be for a while. I want to be able to kiss my child and hold her every single day for the rest of my life. But I can't do that either. I want to hold on to what I can, no matter how small it may be or how stupid it is to someone else.
I have decided that the small fiber optic Christmas tree I have is going to now become my Angel baby's (my husband and I have a very strong feeling that the baby was a girl so we named her Angela). I am collecting memorial ornaments to put on there for her. This is just something that I feel like I new to do because she really is my child and deserves to still be treated like they never died. My child means just as much as if she had lived. It also makes her more alive in my mind and heart.
So while my heart continues to break, it is still beating knowing that I need to live for my baby's sake. I need to live since she can't. I want her to be able to see the world through my eyes and feel the love that I have for her. I love my little precious Angela. And I always will. <3
