When you finally get out of a toxic relationship, you think you are golden. You feel like a huge burden is lifted off of your shoulders and that your life will finally flourish even if it takes years. While that is true, there is a bit more to some people's realities than others.
I thought I was lucky enough to not be too damaged even though I knew I was. But at least I wasn't going mental or needing all kinds of therapy or doctor visits to help bones heal. While I am luckier than most, things started happening little at a time throughout the years.
A couple of years ago, my parents signed us all up for a self defense class that the county was holding. I was so excited about therapy his class since I knew I needed to have this experience just in case I needed it in the future. What I realized after about 10 minutes of starting the class was that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Watching the instructors act out scenarioa put me in such a panic that I had to go outside to cry and shake it out. Needless to say, I didn't go back inside. It brought back so many bad memories that I just wanted to go away and never remember again.
Last year, my mom and I were watching a movie that I didn't think would be rough on me. Well I was wrong. There was some abuse in it and I ended up breaking into a shaking and crying fit in my corner chair. That same feeling happened when my ex husband had waited outside of our house one time. I ended up sleeping in a hotel room that night.
But then within the past year, my mind has been working too much and I end up having episodes at work to where I can barely focus and I have to excuse myself to the lobby to calm down. That is where I have finally realized that I need to see a doctor about this to see if it is PTSD.
I had no idea where to even begin. I had gone to my Primary Care Physician and she said that I would need a Psychologist. I looked online, found one and made an appointment. I saw him yesterday for the second time and it was a rough time. I ended up crying and telling him how exactly these episodes effect me and why. He wants to refer me to a trauma specialist since he thinks that would benefit me and my situation more.
So here I am. I am ready to heal myself mentally and emotionally even if it will be a tough journey. I am quite scared to open everything up and let it pour out, but it seems like that's exactly what I need. So please be in prayer for me as I go through this. And if you are going through this, I highly recommend trying to see someone as well. It does not do well to try to hide it all and toss it away without learning to deal with it. But I am here with you in this journey and in prayer.
