Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel like you are moving backward in life instead of forward? Have you felt like you have made progress to heal from something but you end up doing something or putting yourself in a position where you might get hurt again and it will undo everything you have been working towards? Tonight is tge night where I have come to that realization. Tonight is a night where I realize that I keep putting myself in bad spots and don't trust on the Lord for what is best for me. I have still loved my ex husband, and we have kept in contact and even thought about trying again. I tried to ignore that idea and just brush it off but I knew deep down that I still loved him and didn't really know how to let go of him. He is the only thing I have left of our daughter. We have gone through so much to just cut contact and everything. These are excuses I made while he made the excuses of "we have been through worse and the worst is over now" kind of thing as well as the idea that love should be enough. But tonight brought back so many emotions and things from the past that were not dead and gone, but were just buried right underneath the surface.
There is a volleyball game out of town that he was going to go to that he wanted me to go to too. He has to be there early in the morning and told me that I should probably gather together some clothes for tomorrow since I would be spending the night. I told him that I wasn't going to be spending the night but that I could just get up early and then meet him at his house and go from there. He came over to my house a little bit after getting off the phone and tried to get me to go back to his house with him. I still told him no and he explained that it would just be easier on both of us if I stayed the night. I still told him no. At this point, I paused. I decided to then tell him something that my dad had just said not too long before he came over to the house. My parents and I had been watching a show together when we couldn't find the remote. I said that I didn't have the controler and my dad commented something that was rough to realize, but true. He said, "But I thought (ex husband) had it". I told my ex about that and he got mad and stormed off after/while still verbally letting me know how unhappy he was. So he drove off a little after 10:10pm.
Not too long passed before he starts calling me left and right and texting me, cursing at me, and calling me names and wanting an apology. He called a grand total of 55 times from 10:12pm-11:41pm (but of course, "he" isnt the controlling one, "I" am) ... In between that time, he texted .. a lot. He also messaged me on social media and stupid me decided to answer back. I told him that I wasn't going to have any of his attitude, so I blocked him from messaging me there too. He called my dad once. Then he threatens to come back over to the house so we can finish our conversation if I don't pick up the phone. Well, I didn't pick up the phone and I had blocked his number from fullish calling through.
My parents and I were still in the living room talking and my dad suggested that my mom and I get a hotel room so he can't bother us. He also suggested turning all the lights out in case he did come over. So in the dark, I gathered something from my purse and sure enough, my ex parked right across from our driveway. We all just sat down on the couches and chairs and tried to be quiet. I am literally in my chair in a fetal position .. crying. My heart is racing and I am silently praying that God would keep us safe and that he would leave us alone. I think it was maybe 10-15 minutes before he finally gave up, I'm not sure. But I was scared that whole time and trying not to breathe or make a sound. At one point I was still crying and I apologized to my parents for putting them through this yet again. I feel like I am no better than my sister at going back to somwthing she insists that she wouldn't go back to. But tonight has shaken me up enough that I am sleeping on the floor in my parents room.
This is what life was like before he changed. This is what I had to endure every time we had an argument and I wanted to go inside and be left alone for a bit. This is how I always lived through our marriage .. scared, walking on eggshells, and knowing that he can't take no for an answer even over the smallest of things. How do you deal with someone who calls you every name in the book and tells you that you are the problem when all you did was say no to something he is known to be very persistent about? It's either say yes, or he guilt trips you into saying yes. It's a lose lose situation. What can you do? How much more can you take? How many more excuses would you make up this time? How have you been able to put yourself in this position yet again? WHY did you put yourself in this situation yet again? Will I ever be free of this worry and hurt? Why have I disobeyed God yet again? Will I ever be able to truly have a clean slate and not look back? Why do I keep failing God as well as my family?
I need to stop hiding in my past and in my worries. What I need to do is to start preparing for my future and what God has in store for me. I need to repent and sin no more. I need fill my life with His everlasting love and let that fill my soul, not someone else. I need to set aside things that will hinder my relationship with Him. I have been trying to stomp that out because I love my ex and I have not been ready to fully let go yet. But I have failed miserably at hiding my excuses. I thought love was enough to help encourage him to become a better man as well as my understanding how to communicate better and all. But while you can try to help someone change, Christ is the only one who can BE that change.
I know I have let people down by admitting all of this, and I truly am sorry. I never intended to do that. I hope I am not looked at differently because of how I struggle with certain things.
