I am not normally a negetive Nancy, but something has just been driving me insane lately. My husband got his divorce papers last week. I am nervous and emotional wreck. That's to be expected of anyone getting a divorce. I would sure hope nobody would be happy about getting a divorce even if it's to a bad person.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Response To An Article
I just came across a post on Facebook that tells you about ten good reasons not to marry your boyfriend. And I must say that that was one of the smartest and most extrordinary post I have ever read. If you would like to read it, the post is at Joleneengle.com and its named "10 Very Good Reasons Not To Marry The Guy".
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My Wife Problems
You know, it's days like today that make me wonder how I will get through. I see so many of my friends who are falling in love and getting married and some are starting tl have kids. It hurts so bad knowing that I cannot have that in a responsible way. I never had a wedding to show off and I didnt have a beautiful wedding gown or wedding pictures. I cannot be proud of my marriage since we have gone through so much and we never had a home or anything to call ours. I couldn't even keep our daughter alive and that kills me inside. I don't have a family to show for our 4 years of marriage. I feel like a complete failure because of that but also because I am a wife with no home to take care of or present to anyone. Part of my duty as a wife is to keep house and make it look presentable and homely. But how can I do that when we have no home and the house is not mine? There are just so many things that sre blocking my view of this marriage and I know it is my fault, but its so hard to think otherwise.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Seven Year Fright
This month marks seven years since I was raped. I have memories and nightmares like it was just yesterday, but I know that I have come very far since then. I am still learning to heal each day but it is definitely still a work in progress. I try to keep everything hidden in the back of my mind where everything else can be in the way of it coming back forward, but during Septemeber, it's like my mind thinks all on its own and brings those horrible memories back.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
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