Seven Year Fright

     This month marks seven years since I was raped. I have memories and nightmares like it was just yesterday, but I know that I have come very far since then. I am still learning to heal each day but it is definitely still a work in progress. I try to keep everything hidden in the back of my mind where everything else can be in the way of it coming back forward, but during Septemeber, it's like my mind thinks all on its own and brings those horrible memories back. 
     While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it. 
     Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
     The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
     So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.