Tonight is hard. Extremely hard. Losing a child is one of the worst things to endure, but to see everyone so happy and having Christmas pictures done and all is tearing me down. My hurt is so great because I love someone so much that I never even got to meet. I just want to have a family and I know that it won't be for a while. I want to be able to kiss my child and hold her every single day for the rest of my life. But I can't do that either. I want to hold on to what I can, no matter how small it may be or how stupid it is to someone else.
I have decided that the small fiber optic Christmas tree I have is going to now become my Angel baby's (my husband and I have a very strong feeling that the baby was a girl so we named her Angela). I am collecting memorial ornaments to put on there for her. This is just something that I feel like I new to do because she really is my child and deserves to still be treated like they never died. My child means just as much as if she had lived. It also makes her more alive in my mind and heart.
So while my heart continues to break, it is still beating knowing that I need to live for my baby's sake. I need to live since she can't. I want her to be able to see the world through my eyes and feel the love that I have for her. I love my little precious Angela. And I always will. <3
Monday, December 16, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Free
It has now been a whole year since I moved out of my in-law's place and back in with my family. It feels so good that there has not been any more physical abuse stuff going on for a whole year! No more walking on eggshells or being scared of what's going to happen next. Part of me feels like I still had a fight in me to stay through it still, but that would be stupid and a waste of time. I am also hurt by all of this. I don't want to stay away from him. I love him so much. I just wish he could see what's going on and understand that things have to change. I don't want to be with anyone else.
But while one door has been cracked but never open and then I finally close it, plenty more doors open up. I have now been working a second job for almost 10 months and plenty of doors have been opening with that alone. I have been saving up money for a car and then later on an apartment. I have also been able to pay on multiple medical bills yet also have enough money to pay for gas, my own toiletries, and food. It's like living in an apartment already except I don't have to pay rent since I work almost 40 hours a week. Things seem to be looking up. And through it all, God has been so good. :)
But while one door has been cracked but never open and then I finally close it, plenty more doors open up. I have now been working a second job for almost 10 months and plenty of doors have been opening with that alone. I have been saving up money for a car and then later on an apartment. I have also been able to pay on multiple medical bills yet also have enough money to pay for gas, my own toiletries, and food. It's like living in an apartment already except I don't have to pay rent since I work almost 40 hours a week. Things seem to be looking up. And through it all, God has been so good. :)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
All the bad things . .
Tonight is one of those nights where it's hard to stop thinking about everything that has happened in my life that has led me to where I am now. How has it made me a better person? Have I grown stronger with God through it? Can I truly heal from these experiences? What have I done? Why did I do any of that? Will God ever bless me when I get both feet on the path He had for me in the first place? Did His plan for me change when I married the wrong person? Will I ever have that one person in my life again that I know He made specially for me? Will that person forgive me? These are the questions I ask myself every single day.
With everything that has happened to me, I have gotten through with the help of my family and God's grace and love. My migraines started 7 years ago, and I have gotten through it all with mom's help. She has had them for 30 years and understands how I feel when others can't even fathom the kind of pain I am in. People at school would always brush me off their shoulders because I was always sick. In their minds, sick is just a word and maybe a stomach ache. To me, it's a bottomless pit of hurt and pain while still trying to maintain a semi normal life. I still had to try to deal with homework and dance classes. I still made time for my friends. The teachers were amazing with helping me and praying for me, yet they still could not try to understand me. I was in the hospital and at home so so sick most of the time. My friends, well, that's a different matter. I had a best friend and she basically erased me from her life unless she wanted to butt into my personal life. After her, I wasn't honestly close to anyone. I felt alone. I came home crying from school most days because I hated it there and I would always feel so sick that keeping my emotions in was making it worse. Nobody understood or even tried to understand what I was going through. They didn't care.
I went to UVA's medical facility to see if they could help figure out what was going on since my neurologist couldn't even explain it. And he was the best child neurologist there was near here. All they came up with was that I had a vitamin B deficiency because I don't eat fruits or vegetables. Well, that did not even come close to the problem. I went to a doctor who said that it was because I had TMJ. Nope, I don't actually have TMJ. They just wanted us to spend money. I even went to a doctor to get acupuncture. Nope, definitely disn't help. We went to do many different doctors. Then my mom found a doctor who did trigger point injections or lidocaine shots. It made me sick for about a day or two after I got them, but they helped tremendously! Every month my head knew it was time to get more shots because they would get very bad again. After I lost my insurance after my husband and I started dating, the migraines got even better. I guess those shots helped in the long run.
While that was trying to get fixed, I wrestled with schoolwork, trying to feel normal and accepted in school, dance, and then it all came together when I met God's match for me. I was 16 and he was 15, but we instantly knew that we were meant to be when we were introduced and was told that he was a Christian too. It's like God tugged at my heart and opened my eyes. The feeling was absolutely amazing! Three days after we met, he asked me out. My family instantly welcomed him and we were all so blessed. Not too long after that, I was raped. I didn't tell anyone for a whole year, not even my boyfriend. I kept it in as long as possible because I didn't want anyone to know how hurt I really was and what I was going through. I felt like I was a burden enough with the migraines. A couple months after that, on Christmas day, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were on the couch and he gave me my present which was a ring in the shape of a heart with seven stones making the right side of the heart. He wanted to buy me an actual engagement ring after he got enough money, but I didn't care. I had him.
The next year, my senior year, was going to be the worst year of my life at that point. My migraines were getting a lot worse because I was still keeping my emotions in and my depression was getting worse, and because of that I was home a lot and my grades were slipping. I was getting cut from dance teams because of it as well and that was almost unbearable as it is. I had to ask off of work a lot (gymnastics coach). My sister had run away to another state and got herself into a situation of her own. After a whole year, in September, I finally told someone about being raped, and I was pulled aside by our principle and counselor. They called my parents and they came to get me and then we filed a police report. Telling my fiancée was the worst part along with seeing my parents like that. Our relationship was not the same after that.
Then dad lost his job in December. We were all hurt from that. God took good care of us still, but I knew we were hurting. Things with dance were getting bad with one of the other dancers families because they were such snobs and thought they would put me and other families down because they had a high opinion of themselves. I later found out what actually was wrong, but that will come later.
Then, the night before my mom's birthday, my fiancée broke things off. I was so overwhelmed and honestly broken by everything that was going on, that as I was on the phone, I ran to the kitchen and got a knife from the drawer and came back to my room. The last words I uttered to him was "I love you", then I stabbed myself. My dad heard me gurgling and came running in and told my finches that he would have to call him back. He didn't even realize that I had just tried to end my life while we were on the phone. My parents rushed me to the hospital and all the way there, I was siting "Love Story" by Taylor Swift because that was our engagement song and our movie was The Notebook. I told mom, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird. Right Mom?" I can honestly say, I didn't really feel a thing when I plunged that knife into my stomach. Not that kind of pain, anyways. I was only feeling the hurt and pain I had endured all this time and knowing that I was causing that kind of pain for my family and everyone around me. Everything was my fault. My fiancee breaking things off was just the top on a big cake of problems.
I was rushed into emergency surgery. I had cut into my intestines and even punctured my pancreas. It took 4 hours of surgery and God's guidance and love to keep me at bay. I had put a whole foot in death's doorway. I was in the ICU for three days with a breathing tube. The first day when my parents said they had to leave, I actually tried to get up and go with them. That was hard seeing them leave. I didn't want to be alone. Since I couldn't talk, I did sign language. I would spell out words and ask for ice since I couldn't eat or drink anything on my own. After three days, they moved me to the 9th floor where the sweetest lady took excellent care of me. She sat with me day and night whenever she had her shifts. She helped me up, helped me eat, sat with me when mom and dad couldn't be there, and listened to me. We talked forever about anything and everything. She was a Godsend and such a blessing in such a low time. She gave me an angel pin to remember her by and to watch over me.
I got out of the hospital on February 4, and they moved me to the psychiatric center at another hospital since we had heard terrible things about the one at the hospital I was recovering in. I wasn't allowed any visitors except mom and dad two or three times a week and then pastors can come anytime they want. We got to call whoever was on our call list once a day and the only people on my list was Mom, Dad, and my grandma. For the first couple days I was there, I was on bed rest. I didn't come out of my room at all. After a couple of days of that, I was allowed to get out of my room only for classes that we had to take such as coping and depression help and stuff like that. I had a mess of people that were there with me. I was the suicidal while the others in there with me were either misfits, someone with eating disorders, someone who had seen her dad rape her mom and then chop her head off right in front of her, and a couple others with anger problems and run-ins with the law. Such a bunch, right?
I stayed there for 6 grueling days and, I swear, they must have been drugging us. I have never felt that weird in my life. But when I got home, my dad surprised me. My fiancee was there. We mended things as best we could and continued to love beyond anyone's comprehension.
Later that year, things got rough. Our relationship honestly was never the same and we both knew it. We still knew that we were going to marry, but I started acting a little strange. I had met a guy (Bobby) at my work who was in one of the tumbling classes that I helped with on Monday nights. My fiancee and I decided to take a break, but he made me promise to not date anyone else. I didn't want to lose him, so I agreed. Unfortunately, my attitude grew cold and me and this guy started dating. He was a show off, but very attractive and a Marine. I was attracted to him because I was wondering what it was like to date a "bad boy", but, now I know. We dated 8 months, and through that time, my fiancee fought for me. Waited for me. I treated him like dirt. Bobby had mentioned that we should get married a little after I had a miscarriage (his baby). And as he suggested that, I was starting to snap out of it. I was finally realizing that he was not the person that God had made for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I was acting so out of my character that it was making me sick.
When he had gone to Morocco with the Marine Corps, I had talked to my former boyfriend and was still trying to figure things out. The day of his graduation, I was set to go to it and I had even planned on ua going to Olive Garden for dinner to talk and to celebrate, he texted me that I shouldn't bother coming because he was giving up. I drained him. I ended up staying locked in my room crying while my dad went without me. My fiancee was still expecting me, and that is when I really knew that I had let him down. I just gave up and didn't care what happened after that.
Just a couple of days after that, I was carrying a load of laundry upstairs and when I was at the top, I got dizzy and passed out. I tumbled down the stairs and landed wrong at the bottom. My parents called for an ambulance and told me to just stay in the position I was. They came, got me onto a gurney, and took me to the ER. I had to have a neck brace because I had twisted my neck but I also had a blood clot in my neck that could be fatal if I moved in any certain way. Apparently Bobby had finally heard about my tumble down the stairs and was raising all kinds of hell to come back home as soon any possible.
When Bobby came back from Morocco, we got married the next day and have been married for three years. This is also the same guy who thinks it's okay to physically harm someone. Yes, I feel like I deserve the abuse for the way I treated my fiancee and for the way I strung both of them along. I deserve to be hurt the same way I hurt him. After three years of this, I am finally ready to let God take control of my heart again and let Him lead me in the direction I need to go.
One day I will be ready to apologize to my ex fiancee, but I know that it would be inappropriate, right now. When the time is right, though, I will. From now on, I want to be able to live my life the way God wants me to. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I have learned the lessons I needed to and have grown from all of what I have experienced. I became a person who I hated because I wanted to experience what others got to. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I regret marrying the wrong person. The moment I married him, he was mine, and I was his. I knew that staying with him was the right thing to do since it was by my poor choices that I was in these situations. I took responsibility for my actions. I will keep all of these regrets for the rest of my life. But from now on, I want to become the person I used to be, the person my parents raised, the person God made and forgave.
It's hard letting people see what kind of person I had become, but I hope others will learn from my poor choices. Maybe one day, I can finally forgive myself and so can my ex fiancee.
My husband and I have now been married for three years. It has certainly been a rough road but I knew it would be. Having to deal with crazy ex girlfriends, him drinking and smoking with young teenagers, inappropriate behavior with others, the domestic violence, and the inability to support a family has been a great burden. I myself have had the burden of coming to conclusions too fast and that has caused problems of its own. I also have communication issues but that one is reciprocal.
With everything that has happened to me, I have gotten through with the help of my family and God's grace and love. My migraines started 7 years ago, and I have gotten through it all with mom's help. She has had them for 30 years and understands how I feel when others can't even fathom the kind of pain I am in. People at school would always brush me off their shoulders because I was always sick. In their minds, sick is just a word and maybe a stomach ache. To me, it's a bottomless pit of hurt and pain while still trying to maintain a semi normal life. I still had to try to deal with homework and dance classes. I still made time for my friends. The teachers were amazing with helping me and praying for me, yet they still could not try to understand me. I was in the hospital and at home so so sick most of the time. My friends, well, that's a different matter. I had a best friend and she basically erased me from her life unless she wanted to butt into my personal life. After her, I wasn't honestly close to anyone. I felt alone. I came home crying from school most days because I hated it there and I would always feel so sick that keeping my emotions in was making it worse. Nobody understood or even tried to understand what I was going through. They didn't care.
I went to UVA's medical facility to see if they could help figure out what was going on since my neurologist couldn't even explain it. And he was the best child neurologist there was near here. All they came up with was that I had a vitamin B deficiency because I don't eat fruits or vegetables. Well, that did not even come close to the problem. I went to a doctor who said that it was because I had TMJ. Nope, I don't actually have TMJ. They just wanted us to spend money. I even went to a doctor to get acupuncture. Nope, definitely disn't help. We went to do many different doctors. Then my mom found a doctor who did trigger point injections or lidocaine shots. It made me sick for about a day or two after I got them, but they helped tremendously! Every month my head knew it was time to get more shots because they would get very bad again. After I lost my insurance after my husband and I started dating, the migraines got even better. I guess those shots helped in the long run.
While that was trying to get fixed, I wrestled with schoolwork, trying to feel normal and accepted in school, dance, and then it all came together when I met God's match for me. I was 16 and he was 15, but we instantly knew that we were meant to be when we were introduced and was told that he was a Christian too. It's like God tugged at my heart and opened my eyes. The feeling was absolutely amazing! Three days after we met, he asked me out. My family instantly welcomed him and we were all so blessed. Not too long after that, I was raped. I didn't tell anyone for a whole year, not even my boyfriend. I kept it in as long as possible because I didn't want anyone to know how hurt I really was and what I was going through. I felt like I was a burden enough with the migraines. A couple months after that, on Christmas day, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were on the couch and he gave me my present which was a ring in the shape of a heart with seven stones making the right side of the heart. He wanted to buy me an actual engagement ring after he got enough money, but I didn't care. I had him.
The next year, my senior year, was going to be the worst year of my life at that point. My migraines were getting a lot worse because I was still keeping my emotions in and my depression was getting worse, and because of that I was home a lot and my grades were slipping. I was getting cut from dance teams because of it as well and that was almost unbearable as it is. I had to ask off of work a lot (gymnastics coach). My sister had run away to another state and got herself into a situation of her own. After a whole year, in September, I finally told someone about being raped, and I was pulled aside by our principle and counselor. They called my parents and they came to get me and then we filed a police report. Telling my fiancée was the worst part along with seeing my parents like that. Our relationship was not the same after that.
Then dad lost his job in December. We were all hurt from that. God took good care of us still, but I knew we were hurting. Things with dance were getting bad with one of the other dancers families because they were such snobs and thought they would put me and other families down because they had a high opinion of themselves. I later found out what actually was wrong, but that will come later.
Then, the night before my mom's birthday, my fiancée broke things off. I was so overwhelmed and honestly broken by everything that was going on, that as I was on the phone, I ran to the kitchen and got a knife from the drawer and came back to my room. The last words I uttered to him was "I love you", then I stabbed myself. My dad heard me gurgling and came running in and told my finches that he would have to call him back. He didn't even realize that I had just tried to end my life while we were on the phone. My parents rushed me to the hospital and all the way there, I was siting "Love Story" by Taylor Swift because that was our engagement song and our movie was The Notebook. I told mom, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird. Right Mom?" I can honestly say, I didn't really feel a thing when I plunged that knife into my stomach. Not that kind of pain, anyways. I was only feeling the hurt and pain I had endured all this time and knowing that I was causing that kind of pain for my family and everyone around me. Everything was my fault. My fiancee breaking things off was just the top on a big cake of problems.
I was rushed into emergency surgery. I had cut into my intestines and even punctured my pancreas. It took 4 hours of surgery and God's guidance and love to keep me at bay. I had put a whole foot in death's doorway. I was in the ICU for three days with a breathing tube. The first day when my parents said they had to leave, I actually tried to get up and go with them. That was hard seeing them leave. I didn't want to be alone. Since I couldn't talk, I did sign language. I would spell out words and ask for ice since I couldn't eat or drink anything on my own. After three days, they moved me to the 9th floor where the sweetest lady took excellent care of me. She sat with me day and night whenever she had her shifts. She helped me up, helped me eat, sat with me when mom and dad couldn't be there, and listened to me. We talked forever about anything and everything. She was a Godsend and such a blessing in such a low time. She gave me an angel pin to remember her by and to watch over me.
I got out of the hospital on February 4, and they moved me to the psychiatric center at another hospital since we had heard terrible things about the one at the hospital I was recovering in. I wasn't allowed any visitors except mom and dad two or three times a week and then pastors can come anytime they want. We got to call whoever was on our call list once a day and the only people on my list was Mom, Dad, and my grandma. For the first couple days I was there, I was on bed rest. I didn't come out of my room at all. After a couple of days of that, I was allowed to get out of my room only for classes that we had to take such as coping and depression help and stuff like that. I had a mess of people that were there with me. I was the suicidal while the others in there with me were either misfits, someone with eating disorders, someone who had seen her dad rape her mom and then chop her head off right in front of her, and a couple others with anger problems and run-ins with the law. Such a bunch, right?
I stayed there for 6 grueling days and, I swear, they must have been drugging us. I have never felt that weird in my life. But when I got home, my dad surprised me. My fiancee was there. We mended things as best we could and continued to love beyond anyone's comprehension.
Later that year, things got rough. Our relationship honestly was never the same and we both knew it. We still knew that we were going to marry, but I started acting a little strange. I had met a guy (Bobby) at my work who was in one of the tumbling classes that I helped with on Monday nights. My fiancee and I decided to take a break, but he made me promise to not date anyone else. I didn't want to lose him, so I agreed. Unfortunately, my attitude grew cold and me and this guy started dating. He was a show off, but very attractive and a Marine. I was attracted to him because I was wondering what it was like to date a "bad boy", but, now I know. We dated 8 months, and through that time, my fiancee fought for me. Waited for me. I treated him like dirt. Bobby had mentioned that we should get married a little after I had a miscarriage (his baby). And as he suggested that, I was starting to snap out of it. I was finally realizing that he was not the person that God had made for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I was acting so out of my character that it was making me sick.
When he had gone to Morocco with the Marine Corps, I had talked to my former boyfriend and was still trying to figure things out. The day of his graduation, I was set to go to it and I had even planned on ua going to Olive Garden for dinner to talk and to celebrate, he texted me that I shouldn't bother coming because he was giving up. I drained him. I ended up staying locked in my room crying while my dad went without me. My fiancee was still expecting me, and that is when I really knew that I had let him down. I just gave up and didn't care what happened after that.
Just a couple of days after that, I was carrying a load of laundry upstairs and when I was at the top, I got dizzy and passed out. I tumbled down the stairs and landed wrong at the bottom. My parents called for an ambulance and told me to just stay in the position I was. They came, got me onto a gurney, and took me to the ER. I had to have a neck brace because I had twisted my neck but I also had a blood clot in my neck that could be fatal if I moved in any certain way. Apparently Bobby had finally heard about my tumble down the stairs and was raising all kinds of hell to come back home as soon any possible.
When Bobby came back from Morocco, we got married the next day and have been married for three years. This is also the same guy who thinks it's okay to physically harm someone. Yes, I feel like I deserve the abuse for the way I treated my fiancee and for the way I strung both of them along. I deserve to be hurt the same way I hurt him. After three years of this, I am finally ready to let God take control of my heart again and let Him lead me in the direction I need to go.
One day I will be ready to apologize to my ex fiancee, but I know that it would be inappropriate, right now. When the time is right, though, I will. From now on, I want to be able to live my life the way God wants me to. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I have learned the lessons I needed to and have grown from all of what I have experienced. I became a person who I hated because I wanted to experience what others got to. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I regret marrying the wrong person. The moment I married him, he was mine, and I was his. I knew that staying with him was the right thing to do since it was by my poor choices that I was in these situations. I took responsibility for my actions. I will keep all of these regrets for the rest of my life. But from now on, I want to become the person I used to be, the person my parents raised, the person God made and forgave.
It's hard letting people see what kind of person I had become, but I hope others will learn from my poor choices. Maybe one day, I can finally forgive myself and so can my ex fiancee.
My husband and I have now been married for three years. It has certainly been a rough road but I knew it would be. Having to deal with crazy ex girlfriends, him drinking and smoking with young teenagers, inappropriate behavior with others, the domestic violence, and the inability to support a family has been a great burden. I myself have had the burden of coming to conclusions too fast and that has caused problems of its own. I also have communication issues but that one is reciprocal.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Emotions
Some days are easier than others to get through. At times, I don't even want to wake up. I just want to stay asleep and not feel the hurt or the pain. I miss him every day. I don't even get to hear his voice since we only text. I cry most of the day because I realized that unless he changes, I have no other choice. I am somewhat miserable with him, but I am more miserable without him. My heart hurts and I'm nauseous. I burst into tears when I think back on whatever good times we have had even though there aren't many.
I'm not the one he's willing to do anything for. I'm not the one he is willing to provide for and to take care of. It hurts knowing. It hurts being the one who has to do everything and not get any credit or appreciation for it. But for some reason, I love him and miss him so much. There is something about him that always makes me come back. He gives me a sense of security, somehow. When I am in his arms, I feel so warm and while I don't feel so loved or comforted, it was good to know that I was in the arms of my husband. Even though he does not put all his emotions towards me, I am his wife. But why am I not enough? Why am I not worthy of ALL his love instead of just scratching the surface? I'm torn and I don't know what to do.
I'm not the one he's willing to do anything for. I'm not the one he is willing to provide for and to take care of. It hurts knowing. It hurts being the one who has to do everything and not get any credit or appreciation for it. But for some reason, I love him and miss him so much. There is something about him that always makes me come back. He gives me a sense of security, somehow. When I am in his arms, I feel so warm and while I don't feel so loved or comforted, it was good to know that I was in the arms of my husband. Even though he does not put all his emotions towards me, I am his wife. But why am I not enough? Why am I not worthy of ALL his love instead of just scratching the surface? I'm torn and I don't know what to do.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Taking It's Toll
Life seems like it's not going to let up anytime soon. My sister and her husband have problems of their own so she and the kids are now living with us. It's so stressful but I know that we are really helping her out. She has been looking for jobs for two weeks or so and has gotten three calls back. She's doing a good job with balancing things and she also seems to be a lot more sane than I am. The protective order she tried to get didn't go through because he didn't harm her or threaten her at that time. So now the main problem at hand is custody. That court date isn't for another couple months.
I am still living with my mom and dad. It's been almost 9 months since I moved out of my in-laws place. I had tried to stop complaining or even thinking about my husband getting a job and things were getting better between us. We went on our anniversary trip and while we ran into a little bit of trouble, things were good, I think. We came back and things got hectic with my sister coming to live here. My nerves have been so crazy that I've been moody and stressed. We were talking with my mom one night and the idea of getting an apartment was brought up. I felt like we had some shimmer of hope that we can actually get through this hard time and be a family. I tried talking to him again about the job stuff and see if his attitude had changed. He just ignored me, again.
I had to think long and hard about what needed to happen and I told my husband that we needed to come up with a plan. He ignored me on that too. If we were going to try to make things work, he needs to help me with pulling the weight. After all of the abuse and emotional cheating and the irresponsibility, I don't know what else to do. I feel sad, alone, unappreciated, and unloved at times. I love him so much and for some reason, I just can't be without him. He comforts me even though he makes me scared at times. He has a certain warmth to him that makes me feel safe from anything and everybody else, except himself. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and it has to change now, for both of us. I was emotionally cracking and I finally mentioned that we should divorce. He thought it was a joke at first but after a couple of days with not talking, he got the idea but I have been an emotional wreck. I'm crying every day and am not eating much. I miss him and above all, I love him. Even now, I really just don't want to give up.
I still tried texting him and he said that I wasn't worth it anymore and that I have caused enough problems. He's been turning the whole thing around and it hurts. I know that I will hurt either way. I'm going to hurt if I stay with him because I know he won't change and will continue to be physically , verbally, and emotionally harming to me even if it gets better, but I also know that I will hurt if I leave him because I love him and will feel like a failure. I know that I have not done a good job with being encouraging to him with the work situation and I haven't helped anything. I know I complain and nag all the time and I'm stressed. I know that I assume too much instead of calmly confronting him even though I'm right maybe 90% of the time and he still continues to lie even when I catch him. I know I don't trust him but there are reasons for that and he hasnt tried to gain it back. I even texted him about how we could fix things and he said 1) I'm gonna have to trust him .. hands down above anything else and 2) to never go through his phone or messages anymore. Playing along and trying not to argue about it, I told him that that presents another question : "How else were you planning to gain my trust back since you won't let me look at your phone? That is how you lost my trust so it would only be fitting that that's how you gain it back, but since you are adament on still hiding all of that, you need to come up with some other way. " His pathetic response, "Or you could just suck it the f*** up. I'll even give you a straw." But in his eyes, I read too much into things and take them the wrong way.
Why do I let him do this to me and talk to me this way? Honest to goodness, I don't know. All I do know is that I love him and want to get appreciation for what I do right and love. Whatever love and affection or true intimacy I do get is a treat. That's how I see it. I am looking for him to treat me like I am more than just somebody. I want him to test me like I am his only. I am so hurt throughout all of this that I am wondering if it really is my fault or if he is just trying to make me out I be the bad guy. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm nothing anymore.
I am still living with my mom and dad. It's been almost 9 months since I moved out of my in-laws place. I had tried to stop complaining or even thinking about my husband getting a job and things were getting better between us. We went on our anniversary trip and while we ran into a little bit of trouble, things were good, I think. We came back and things got hectic with my sister coming to live here. My nerves have been so crazy that I've been moody and stressed. We were talking with my mom one night and the idea of getting an apartment was brought up. I felt like we had some shimmer of hope that we can actually get through this hard time and be a family. I tried talking to him again about the job stuff and see if his attitude had changed. He just ignored me, again.
I had to think long and hard about what needed to happen and I told my husband that we needed to come up with a plan. He ignored me on that too. If we were going to try to make things work, he needs to help me with pulling the weight. After all of the abuse and emotional cheating and the irresponsibility, I don't know what else to do. I feel sad, alone, unappreciated, and unloved at times. I love him so much and for some reason, I just can't be without him. He comforts me even though he makes me scared at times. He has a certain warmth to him that makes me feel safe from anything and everybody else, except himself. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and it has to change now, for both of us. I was emotionally cracking and I finally mentioned that we should divorce. He thought it was a joke at first but after a couple of days with not talking, he got the idea but I have been an emotional wreck. I'm crying every day and am not eating much. I miss him and above all, I love him. Even now, I really just don't want to give up.
I still tried texting him and he said that I wasn't worth it anymore and that I have caused enough problems. He's been turning the whole thing around and it hurts. I know that I will hurt either way. I'm going to hurt if I stay with him because I know he won't change and will continue to be physically , verbally, and emotionally harming to me even if it gets better, but I also know that I will hurt if I leave him because I love him and will feel like a failure. I know that I have not done a good job with being encouraging to him with the work situation and I haven't helped anything. I know I complain and nag all the time and I'm stressed. I know that I assume too much instead of calmly confronting him even though I'm right maybe 90% of the time and he still continues to lie even when I catch him. I know I don't trust him but there are reasons for that and he hasnt tried to gain it back. I even texted him about how we could fix things and he said 1) I'm gonna have to trust him .. hands down above anything else and 2) to never go through his phone or messages anymore. Playing along and trying not to argue about it, I told him that that presents another question : "How else were you planning to gain my trust back since you won't let me look at your phone? That is how you lost my trust so it would only be fitting that that's how you gain it back, but since you are adament on still hiding all of that, you need to come up with some other way. " His pathetic response, "Or you could just suck it the f*** up. I'll even give you a straw." But in his eyes, I read too much into things and take them the wrong way.
Why do I let him do this to me and talk to me this way? Honest to goodness, I don't know. All I do know is that I love him and want to get appreciation for what I do right and love. Whatever love and affection or true intimacy I do get is a treat. That's how I see it. I am looking for him to treat me like I am more than just somebody. I want him to test me like I am his only. I am so hurt throughout all of this that I am wondering if it really is my fault or if he is just trying to make me out I be the bad guy. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm nothing anymore.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Personal incidents
This is actually the reason why I started a blog in the first place. I need a safe place to keep a record of incidents in case my husband finds them and throws them away. This is what I have dealt with for almost 3 years. This is exactly the reasons why I separated from him. (Excuse some of the language).
November 24, 2009
(I don't remember what exactly this was over, but I wrote it down in my journal). His sister hit him on the arm and he hit her on the back with his drumsticks. He overreacted and went on a rampage. He broke the sticks and then he and his mom exchanged words. He hit his dad after he got into the argument and my husband (boyfriend at the time) hit him and his parents told him, "Out of the house." He got into his moms face and he got into his threatening him to hit her. She even said "Go ahead, hit me. I f***ing dare you." They told him to get out. He slammed the door open and started throwing stuff. His dad told me that he would take me home. He told me he has already had a heart attack and didn't need another one. My boyfriend was in the middle of the street in front of the vehicle so his dad couldn't take me home. His mom talked and yelled at him . He got me out of the car and took me to the picnic area. We talked a while and came back to the house and I stayed over, for everyone's sake.
October 26, 2010 (non violent, but this is one of the things that later became violent)
I saw that my husband was texting some girl and the conversations were very inappropriate, so I texted this girl saying that her talking sex to my husband is inappropriate and that I didn't appreciate it. She texted back, "Excuse me?" I say. "You're the girl who is texting sex stuff to (my husband), right?" Her response, "Is this a joke?" And of course I reply with a, "No." She responded with, "He doesn't have a wife. He does't even have a girlfriend." I get a little heated by that time and say, "Yeah, we've been married for over four months now." She dares to say, "Well, if you really are his wife and this isn't a joke, I suggest you do better in bed and give him what he needs because he came to me for sex." I was on the phone with mom at the time and my husband came into the room. I told him that I was filing for divorce and burst into tears. We went into our room and he lays me down on the best and gets on top of me (not in anger) and tells me that he found out that morning that guys only talk to her for sex and that he thought she was joking about all of that stuff. I also saw a text that she had sent this morning to him saying, "Please don't stop talking to me just because I won't have sex with you." He didn't say a word to her about that. I cried and begged him to tell me that she was lying. He just said, "You were right about her and I'm sorry. Why would I want to have sex with anyone else? I just want you . . no one else." I had gone into his room to be alone but he followed me and he pinned me to the bed to make me listen to what he was saying and to try to get me to believe him. He did, later on, get his dad to block her number along with a different girl who was 14 who was trying to talk sex to him as well. We went on a drive to help calm me down.
October 27, 2010
Mom wanted me to talk about what all happend yesterday when I ubruptly had to hang up the phone, but my husband up and walked out of the house. He finally came back and got me. When we got to the light down the street, I said something that apparently pissed him off, so he sped in reverse and then drove me back to my parents place. He told me to get out but I wouldn't because we needed to talk about this together as a married couple. He said that I needed to drop it because we handled it last night. I told him that we didn't handle anything and that we just got it out of our minds last night. He sped down the road. He was going about 50 mph (in a 35 mph zone) on a windy road, so I told him to stop and that he was putting us in danger. He slowed down and then he stopped in the middle of the road, got out, came to my side of the car, opened the door and told me to get out. I told him no and that we needed to talk. He slams the door and walks down the road in front of the car for a about a minute. He comes back and we drive off. He yells and screams at me with so much anger that I am scared again and start shaking. I told him that I don't appreciate him yelling at me. He screams loudly, "I don't care!" and then continues going on. He stops on the side of the road right behind his parents neighborhood (where we live) and proceeded to demand that I get out again. I told him that we weren't done talking yet so he comes on my side of the car, opens the door and tells me again to get out. I still tell him that we need to talk about this, so he unclips my seat belt and grabs my right wrist and tries to drag me out of the car. I try holding onto something and he grabs my wrist with both hands since one wasn't working and continues to try to drag or pull me out of the car. When it doesn't work, he slams the door, grabs his keys from the ignition and his cell phone, and starts walking to the house. After a couple of minutes of sobbing, I get out and start walking the other way towards where one of his friend's girlfriends lives. He comes after me and tries to get me back in the car. I told him that I wouldn't go anywhere with him, but I did.
November 3, 2010
My husband wanted me to play an Xbox game with him but I told him that I don't know how to play and that he gets pissed at me whenever I do. I tried playing, but I was horrible, so he yells at me and screams profanities at me calling me fucking useless. I try getting out of the room but he shoves me back onto the couch about five times. He grabs my arms and squeezes them to make me stay. That gave me bruises. I go downstairs and lock myself in the bathroom but he unlocks the door and grabs me and takes me upstairs and sits me down and makes me play.
September 22, 2011 1:00 am - morning of the 23rd
I wanted to go to the bridal shop to show my mom and grandma what I look like in the dress that I really wanted for the Marine Corps Ball. My husband was in North Carolina all day, so we went. They had new dresses there so I tried some on. I found the one and put it on layaway (didn't intend on buying one). I told him when he came home and he was so pissed. His mother got him to calm down a bit but after a couple of minutes after we went to bed, he brings it up again. He's mad because it was supposed to be the two of us shopping together. I just wanted to go to sleep so I get up. He says, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I said, "To sleep on the couch". I turned to walk back out and he gets up, grabs my wrist and literally drags me to the bed and flings me down. My leg popped up and hit his thigh. He grabbed me by the throat and leaned me back then had me up against his wall and said, "I dare you to do that again. I fucking dare you," I just cried and he squeeze harder so I would stop. I couldn't breath much and it hurt. I felt lightheaded and dazed for a tiny bit, sort of like I was about to pass out or like I was tipsy. He let go and I kept to myself. And that is what I have to live with.
December 22, 2011 10:30 a.m.
I found and printed out a copy of a conversation that my husband was having with a girl on Facebook. I confronted him about it and he said that he was going to send those pictures that she was going to send to his friend, but it's obvious he wasn't. He gave her his own email address. How many times does he have to lie to me when I catch him doing stuff or, moreover, why does he do this in the first place? What is so wrong with me that he does this, even when we are married and he knows that it is wrong. It makes me sick that I married someone like that. Someone who doesn't care about boundaries, immorality, or the sanctity of marriage.
We argued about it. I wouldn't let him keep lying to me so I didn't want to be in the same room with him. I tried to get out of the room, but he yelled at me and tried to get me to sit down. Every time he would try to make me sit down, I would stand back up. He then grabs me by the arms and gets me on the bed to keep me down and to make me listen to him. I wiggle and try to get free, then I push him off of me with my legs and get off the bed. He grabs me again and tries flinging me to the bed and I slap him to get him to let go of me. He grabs hold of my arms and flings me down after I try sitting on the ground to get my arms free. He corners me and bends over me while I'm on the floor next to our bed and then he slaps me on my right cheek so hard that it took the wind out of me. I sit there in astonishment, crying and shaking. He had never done that before. He told me that if I was willing to hit, I was man enough to take a hit as well.
So now I know that he really would hit me. Next time, I'm calling the cops and leaving him for good. I can't just stand by and let him do this. I've dealt with this long enough, I don't deserve to be abused. Am I so terrible that he has to do this to me? He has to cover up his lies with more lies? He has no feelings, non whatsoever. I had to go to work right after that. There was a red mark on my face and my coworkers wanted to call the cops. But I said no.
March 9/10, 2012 12-12:30 a.m.
We went bowling with one of my friends and his friends and both of us drank alcohol. I had two screwdrivers and he had a whole pitcher of beer. We came home and I wanted to have intimate time but there was no mood and he seemed not to care, so I changed my mind. He got mad at me enough to where he was clenching his teeth when he talked. He spread out his body on the bed to where I barely had room. It was obvious that he was doing that on purpose and I got up and went to lay down on the other bed we had in our room. He asked what the fuck I thought I was doing and I said that I was sleeping on the other bed. He told me that he would drag me back to our bed if I didn't get back up there now. I told him that I was going to sleep and he got over to me, grabbed my wrist/arm and flinched me on the bed. I sat up and he grabbed my leg and jerked it so I was laying down. He turned the light off and he held me tight so we were spooning on our left side and so I was all the way against him. I didn't want to be beside him directly so I would move away. He would clench me tighter and tell me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep, but I wept. He told me to shut up and stop fake crying. I tried curling in a ball and he turned the light on and told me to look at him but I didn't, so he grabbed my face and got right up in it. While clenching his teeth, he yelled at me saying that he loved my pretty little face but he would put a hole in it if I didn't shut the fuck up now. If anything, I could always snap your neck like a twig and it wouldnt take any effort. I told him that that would be better than living like this. He got up, got his sword that he has on his wall, and acted like he was going to stab himself. I told him that it wouldn't be my fault if he did that. He puts the sword down and goes and gets his 22 rifle, gets on the bed and tries to make me put my hand on the trigger and I wouldn't. (He yells at me through it all). He gets back into bed and wraps his arm around me again so I wouldn't go anywhere, so I was right beside him. I fight him by twisting around to get free. He grabs my head and said that he would beat my pretty little face in and to shut the fuck up and sleep. I push him away from me then he grabbed my arms, put them beside me and say on me to where I didn't have a lot of movement and he yelled at me to shut the fuck up (clenched teeth) and was beating the pillow right beside my face. I wept and told him to go ahead and do it. I tried getting free and bit him on the arm then he bit me on my right leg. He got me in a neck lock on my pillow twice and the second time, I passed out. I came to and he had me beside him and he secured me again with his arm and told me to get comfortable. I cried and said that I was. He told me to move a little and get comfy. I was shaking something fierce from being so scared and crying as quiet as I could so he wouldn't do anything else. I wanted to just forget and go to sleep. I have never seen him THAT angry before. Never.
October 26, 2012 around 7:30 p.m.
Every year for the past couple of years, there has been a popular game on Xbox that has come out around Halloween that my husband gets every year. This year is no different. We went to the game store so he could pay for the rest of this game that he pre ordered and for some reason his bank card wouldn't work. Of course he gets angry because there was at least some money in there. He calls the bank and things got heated pretty quick. He didn't understand why they had put a block on his card and he started yelling and cursing through his phone to the other guy (With whom I of course felt beyond sorry for). After a while of threatening the guy and more raging, he tells me to get in the car. On the way to the bank (which has already closed for the night), he gets heated with me and demands that I call the bank number and get the rest of his money transfered to my account so he could use it. I don't know my own account number because I don't use the bank number at all and he gets mad. He screams at me to go online and look through my bank stuff and try to figure something out. Now, my phone is just any old regular phone that doesn't have Internet, so I use his old phone as my ipod that also has Internet access. The only problem with it is that I have to constantly keep it plugged in for it to work, otherwise it shuts off after a couple of minutes. When we got into the parking lot of the bank, I had to explain that to him as well as not being able to go between bank accounts through the Internet on my Ipod. To do that, I need to be on an actual computer for some reason. He couldn't understand that and he started beating the steering wheel and yelling loud enough that spit was flying everywhere. I got out of the car just to be able to get a breather and calm down so I wouldn't cry, but also so he wouldn't be so susceptible to doing anything in public. He yells out his door to get back in the damn car and I told him that I just got out for air. I start tearing up as he gets out grabs me by my arm and demands that I get in the fucking car. Now I am crying. I get back in the car. And he keeps on about the whole bank thing and blames me for not helping him and is still carrying on and cursing at me. With hearing more screaming, I grab my purse and get out of the car and start walking towards my house since it wasn't far away to walk. He yells at me though his window and demands that I get back in the car. I tell him that I wasn't getting back in with him because he was talking to me like that and that I was going to my parents house. I kept walking. He gets out of the car, runs after me, and grabs me by the arms to turn me around. He grabs hard enough that my arms get sore after a couple of seconds and then he starts shaking me and threatens that if I don't get back in the fucking car that he would fucking hit me. He keeps shaking me and I tell him that he's hurting me. He says that it would stop if I just got back into the car. He grabs hold of me still and walks me towards the car and I get in. Crying. Terrified. A couple in an SUV drive and sit behind us and yell something at him. He yells back and threatens to beat their car in with his crowbar (he kept one beside his seat). They said something else that I couldn't hear since I was crying and was getting my phone so I could call 911. He grabs his crowbar and goes after the SUV. They drive off. He gets back in the car and quickly drives off hard enough that my phone slips out of my hands and I can't see where it went. He starts driving to my parents house but the SUV follows us. He took different turns down other neighborhoods trying to loose them and after a couple of minutes we did. We about get into the driveway and he tells me that I am going to go straight downstairs, get on the computer, and fix this (Meaning the bank stuff). I try to dry my eyes and we go inside. Mom was in the kitchen as we walked in and I go straight down the hall into the bathroom and lock the door. My husband says something to my mom after she asked if everything was okay and then starts beating on the bathroom door demanding that I get out. I told him that I needed to calm down and go to the bathroom first and wanted to be left alone. He told me that I needed to get out and fix the bank stuff on the computer first and then I could go back to the bathroom. I just sat in a corner and wept. He pops the cap to the doorknob off and unlocks the door. He comes after me and tells me to get up. I told him that I wanted to be left alone. He grabs my arm and demands that I get up. He then squeeze my arm to where it hurt so much worse than usual ( in a trigger spot) and out of pain I moved and got up. He told me that that's what happens if I didn't do as he told me. Otherwise that wouldn't have happened. I go towards the kitchen and mom says something I don't remember but I told her that I needed to find my phone. I start going outside and my husband follows me and says that he will help me look. I got to the car found it and went back inside and started going to my room. I started to call 911 and my husband grabbed my phone out of my hands. He asked what I was doing and then mom asked me if she wanted me to call the cops on the house phone. I told her to do so and he just said that he wanted to talk was all. Mom decided to give him that chance so he told me to go into the living room beside us while he talked to my mom. He tried to talk soft enough so I couldn't hear. He tried to blame me for not helping him out with the bank situation and that I was blowing things out of proportion. I tried to yell from the living room and he just kept denying what I was trying to say. I went back into the kitchen and inserted myself in the converation. I told her my story and she said that it was too late to call the cops now since it had already happened and that I should have called when it was happening. I tried to get to the house phone on the wall and my husband got in the way. My dad comes upstairs and asked what was going on. He suggested that he take my husband back home and I told him that I was staying here. My parents thought that was a good idea so I stayed in my old bedroom. My mom came in and I cried on her shouldn't most all night. My arm had already started to bruise up too. My dad had come back after a while and even said that my husband tried to tell him his side of the story and my dad told him what's what. He told me that if he ever takes the doorknob off again that I need to tell him and that he would call the cops for destruction of private property. After everything, I just cried myself to sleep.
After that incident, I permanently moved out of my in-laws house. No one else knows why, of course. They just think that we got into an everyday argument and I didn't like it so I moved out. I wonder what they would say if I told them the truth. Knowing them they would just say that that's him for you and that I should have just did as he said and everything would have been fine. Instead I made it into something worse. But then again, that's just how they think.
I know that this is some rough stuff to read, but this is what I deal with. I stay in this marriage still because I feel like its the right thing to do. We have now been separated for 5 1/2 months and I don't see him changing yet. I am not with him so he doesn't do any of this to me, but he still yells and curses at me when we argue about our problems. I just hope I can truly realize that this is no way to live. Also keep in mind that his family doesn't know all or basically any of what has gone on and they think I am in the wrong. They don't even try to ask what happened or to try to understand. They think I blow things out of proportion and lie about it. With really having gone through all of this, it's unfathomable that anyone would ever lie about something this serious, not to mention saying that they know what we go through in our day to day lives with having to walk on eggshells and get scared and shakey if you even have an incling that he is getting angry. People don't understand the toll it takes on us emotionally, physically, mentally, and sometimes even sexually. He even got to the point where he was controlling what I could and couldn't wear to bed. I was only allowed to wear underwear at the last points and he would threaten me if I didn't take my shirt or pants off or if I tried to wear anything else to bed that he didn't like.
I am keeping these things in a safe place for when and if I file for divorce. Thank you for letting me share this.
November 24, 2009
(I don't remember what exactly this was over, but I wrote it down in my journal). His sister hit him on the arm and he hit her on the back with his drumsticks. He overreacted and went on a rampage. He broke the sticks and then he and his mom exchanged words. He hit his dad after he got into the argument and my husband (boyfriend at the time) hit him and his parents told him, "Out of the house." He got into his moms face and he got into his threatening him to hit her. She even said "Go ahead, hit me. I f***ing dare you." They told him to get out. He slammed the door open and started throwing stuff. His dad told me that he would take me home. He told me he has already had a heart attack and didn't need another one. My boyfriend was in the middle of the street in front of the vehicle so his dad couldn't take me home. His mom talked and yelled at him . He got me out of the car and took me to the picnic area. We talked a while and came back to the house and I stayed over, for everyone's sake.
October 26, 2010 (non violent, but this is one of the things that later became violent)
I saw that my husband was texting some girl and the conversations were very inappropriate, so I texted this girl saying that her talking sex to my husband is inappropriate and that I didn't appreciate it. She texted back, "Excuse me?" I say. "You're the girl who is texting sex stuff to (my husband), right?" Her response, "Is this a joke?" And of course I reply with a, "No." She responded with, "He doesn't have a wife. He does't even have a girlfriend." I get a little heated by that time and say, "Yeah, we've been married for over four months now." She dares to say, "Well, if you really are his wife and this isn't a joke, I suggest you do better in bed and give him what he needs because he came to me for sex." I was on the phone with mom at the time and my husband came into the room. I told him that I was filing for divorce and burst into tears. We went into our room and he lays me down on the best and gets on top of me (not in anger) and tells me that he found out that morning that guys only talk to her for sex and that he thought she was joking about all of that stuff. I also saw a text that she had sent this morning to him saying, "Please don't stop talking to me just because I won't have sex with you." He didn't say a word to her about that. I cried and begged him to tell me that she was lying. He just said, "You were right about her and I'm sorry. Why would I want to have sex with anyone else? I just want you . . no one else." I had gone into his room to be alone but he followed me and he pinned me to the bed to make me listen to what he was saying and to try to get me to believe him. He did, later on, get his dad to block her number along with a different girl who was 14 who was trying to talk sex to him as well. We went on a drive to help calm me down.
October 27, 2010
Mom wanted me to talk about what all happend yesterday when I ubruptly had to hang up the phone, but my husband up and walked out of the house. He finally came back and got me. When we got to the light down the street, I said something that apparently pissed him off, so he sped in reverse and then drove me back to my parents place. He told me to get out but I wouldn't because we needed to talk about this together as a married couple. He said that I needed to drop it because we handled it last night. I told him that we didn't handle anything and that we just got it out of our minds last night. He sped down the road. He was going about 50 mph (in a 35 mph zone) on a windy road, so I told him to stop and that he was putting us in danger. He slowed down and then he stopped in the middle of the road, got out, came to my side of the car, opened the door and told me to get out. I told him no and that we needed to talk. He slams the door and walks down the road in front of the car for a about a minute. He comes back and we drive off. He yells and screams at me with so much anger that I am scared again and start shaking. I told him that I don't appreciate him yelling at me. He screams loudly, "I don't care!" and then continues going on. He stops on the side of the road right behind his parents neighborhood (where we live) and proceeded to demand that I get out again. I told him that we weren't done talking yet so he comes on my side of the car, opens the door and tells me again to get out. I still tell him that we need to talk about this, so he unclips my seat belt and grabs my right wrist and tries to drag me out of the car. I try holding onto something and he grabs my wrist with both hands since one wasn't working and continues to try to drag or pull me out of the car. When it doesn't work, he slams the door, grabs his keys from the ignition and his cell phone, and starts walking to the house. After a couple of minutes of sobbing, I get out and start walking the other way towards where one of his friend's girlfriends lives. He comes after me and tries to get me back in the car. I told him that I wouldn't go anywhere with him, but I did.
November 3, 2010
My husband wanted me to play an Xbox game with him but I told him that I don't know how to play and that he gets pissed at me whenever I do. I tried playing, but I was horrible, so he yells at me and screams profanities at me calling me fucking useless. I try getting out of the room but he shoves me back onto the couch about five times. He grabs my arms and squeezes them to make me stay. That gave me bruises. I go downstairs and lock myself in the bathroom but he unlocks the door and grabs me and takes me upstairs and sits me down and makes me play.
September 22, 2011 1:00 am - morning of the 23rd
I wanted to go to the bridal shop to show my mom and grandma what I look like in the dress that I really wanted for the Marine Corps Ball. My husband was in North Carolina all day, so we went. They had new dresses there so I tried some on. I found the one and put it on layaway (didn't intend on buying one). I told him when he came home and he was so pissed. His mother got him to calm down a bit but after a couple of minutes after we went to bed, he brings it up again. He's mad because it was supposed to be the two of us shopping together. I just wanted to go to sleep so I get up. He says, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I said, "To sleep on the couch". I turned to walk back out and he gets up, grabs my wrist and literally drags me to the bed and flings me down. My leg popped up and hit his thigh. He grabbed me by the throat and leaned me back then had me up against his wall and said, "I dare you to do that again. I fucking dare you," I just cried and he squeeze harder so I would stop. I couldn't breath much and it hurt. I felt lightheaded and dazed for a tiny bit, sort of like I was about to pass out or like I was tipsy. He let go and I kept to myself. And that is what I have to live with.
December 22, 2011 10:30 a.m.
I found and printed out a copy of a conversation that my husband was having with a girl on Facebook. I confronted him about it and he said that he was going to send those pictures that she was going to send to his friend, but it's obvious he wasn't. He gave her his own email address. How many times does he have to lie to me when I catch him doing stuff or, moreover, why does he do this in the first place? What is so wrong with me that he does this, even when we are married and he knows that it is wrong. It makes me sick that I married someone like that. Someone who doesn't care about boundaries, immorality, or the sanctity of marriage.
We argued about it. I wouldn't let him keep lying to me so I didn't want to be in the same room with him. I tried to get out of the room, but he yelled at me and tried to get me to sit down. Every time he would try to make me sit down, I would stand back up. He then grabs me by the arms and gets me on the bed to keep me down and to make me listen to him. I wiggle and try to get free, then I push him off of me with my legs and get off the bed. He grabs me again and tries flinging me to the bed and I slap him to get him to let go of me. He grabs hold of my arms and flings me down after I try sitting on the ground to get my arms free. He corners me and bends over me while I'm on the floor next to our bed and then he slaps me on my right cheek so hard that it took the wind out of me. I sit there in astonishment, crying and shaking. He had never done that before. He told me that if I was willing to hit, I was man enough to take a hit as well.
So now I know that he really would hit me. Next time, I'm calling the cops and leaving him for good. I can't just stand by and let him do this. I've dealt with this long enough, I don't deserve to be abused. Am I so terrible that he has to do this to me? He has to cover up his lies with more lies? He has no feelings, non whatsoever. I had to go to work right after that. There was a red mark on my face and my coworkers wanted to call the cops. But I said no.
March 9/10, 2012 12-12:30 a.m.
We went bowling with one of my friends and his friends and both of us drank alcohol. I had two screwdrivers and he had a whole pitcher of beer. We came home and I wanted to have intimate time but there was no mood and he seemed not to care, so I changed my mind. He got mad at me enough to where he was clenching his teeth when he talked. He spread out his body on the bed to where I barely had room. It was obvious that he was doing that on purpose and I got up and went to lay down on the other bed we had in our room. He asked what the fuck I thought I was doing and I said that I was sleeping on the other bed. He told me that he would drag me back to our bed if I didn't get back up there now. I told him that I was going to sleep and he got over to me, grabbed my wrist/arm and flinched me on the bed. I sat up and he grabbed my leg and jerked it so I was laying down. He turned the light off and he held me tight so we were spooning on our left side and so I was all the way against him. I didn't want to be beside him directly so I would move away. He would clench me tighter and tell me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep, but I wept. He told me to shut up and stop fake crying. I tried curling in a ball and he turned the light on and told me to look at him but I didn't, so he grabbed my face and got right up in it. While clenching his teeth, he yelled at me saying that he loved my pretty little face but he would put a hole in it if I didn't shut the fuck up now. If anything, I could always snap your neck like a twig and it wouldnt take any effort. I told him that that would be better than living like this. He got up, got his sword that he has on his wall, and acted like he was going to stab himself. I told him that it wouldn't be my fault if he did that. He puts the sword down and goes and gets his 22 rifle, gets on the bed and tries to make me put my hand on the trigger and I wouldn't. (He yells at me through it all). He gets back into bed and wraps his arm around me again so I wouldn't go anywhere, so I was right beside him. I fight him by twisting around to get free. He grabs my head and said that he would beat my pretty little face in and to shut the fuck up and sleep. I push him away from me then he grabbed my arms, put them beside me and say on me to where I didn't have a lot of movement and he yelled at me to shut the fuck up (clenched teeth) and was beating the pillow right beside my face. I wept and told him to go ahead and do it. I tried getting free and bit him on the arm then he bit me on my right leg. He got me in a neck lock on my pillow twice and the second time, I passed out. I came to and he had me beside him and he secured me again with his arm and told me to get comfortable. I cried and said that I was. He told me to move a little and get comfy. I was shaking something fierce from being so scared and crying as quiet as I could so he wouldn't do anything else. I wanted to just forget and go to sleep. I have never seen him THAT angry before. Never.
October 26, 2012 around 7:30 p.m.
Every year for the past couple of years, there has been a popular game on Xbox that has come out around Halloween that my husband gets every year. This year is no different. We went to the game store so he could pay for the rest of this game that he pre ordered and for some reason his bank card wouldn't work. Of course he gets angry because there was at least some money in there. He calls the bank and things got heated pretty quick. He didn't understand why they had put a block on his card and he started yelling and cursing through his phone to the other guy (With whom I of course felt beyond sorry for). After a while of threatening the guy and more raging, he tells me to get in the car. On the way to the bank (which has already closed for the night), he gets heated with me and demands that I call the bank number and get the rest of his money transfered to my account so he could use it. I don't know my own account number because I don't use the bank number at all and he gets mad. He screams at me to go online and look through my bank stuff and try to figure something out. Now, my phone is just any old regular phone that doesn't have Internet, so I use his old phone as my ipod that also has Internet access. The only problem with it is that I have to constantly keep it plugged in for it to work, otherwise it shuts off after a couple of minutes. When we got into the parking lot of the bank, I had to explain that to him as well as not being able to go between bank accounts through the Internet on my Ipod. To do that, I need to be on an actual computer for some reason. He couldn't understand that and he started beating the steering wheel and yelling loud enough that spit was flying everywhere. I got out of the car just to be able to get a breather and calm down so I wouldn't cry, but also so he wouldn't be so susceptible to doing anything in public. He yells out his door to get back in the damn car and I told him that I just got out for air. I start tearing up as he gets out grabs me by my arm and demands that I get in the fucking car. Now I am crying. I get back in the car. And he keeps on about the whole bank thing and blames me for not helping him and is still carrying on and cursing at me. With hearing more screaming, I grab my purse and get out of the car and start walking towards my house since it wasn't far away to walk. He yells at me though his window and demands that I get back in the car. I tell him that I wasn't getting back in with him because he was talking to me like that and that I was going to my parents house. I kept walking. He gets out of the car, runs after me, and grabs me by the arms to turn me around. He grabs hard enough that my arms get sore after a couple of seconds and then he starts shaking me and threatens that if I don't get back in the fucking car that he would fucking hit me. He keeps shaking me and I tell him that he's hurting me. He says that it would stop if I just got back into the car. He grabs hold of me still and walks me towards the car and I get in. Crying. Terrified. A couple in an SUV drive and sit behind us and yell something at him. He yells back and threatens to beat their car in with his crowbar (he kept one beside his seat). They said something else that I couldn't hear since I was crying and was getting my phone so I could call 911. He grabs his crowbar and goes after the SUV. They drive off. He gets back in the car and quickly drives off hard enough that my phone slips out of my hands and I can't see where it went. He starts driving to my parents house but the SUV follows us. He took different turns down other neighborhoods trying to loose them and after a couple of minutes we did. We about get into the driveway and he tells me that I am going to go straight downstairs, get on the computer, and fix this (Meaning the bank stuff). I try to dry my eyes and we go inside. Mom was in the kitchen as we walked in and I go straight down the hall into the bathroom and lock the door. My husband says something to my mom after she asked if everything was okay and then starts beating on the bathroom door demanding that I get out. I told him that I needed to calm down and go to the bathroom first and wanted to be left alone. He told me that I needed to get out and fix the bank stuff on the computer first and then I could go back to the bathroom. I just sat in a corner and wept. He pops the cap to the doorknob off and unlocks the door. He comes after me and tells me to get up. I told him that I wanted to be left alone. He grabs my arm and demands that I get up. He then squeeze my arm to where it hurt so much worse than usual ( in a trigger spot) and out of pain I moved and got up. He told me that that's what happens if I didn't do as he told me. Otherwise that wouldn't have happened. I go towards the kitchen and mom says something I don't remember but I told her that I needed to find my phone. I start going outside and my husband follows me and says that he will help me look. I got to the car found it and went back inside and started going to my room. I started to call 911 and my husband grabbed my phone out of my hands. He asked what I was doing and then mom asked me if she wanted me to call the cops on the house phone. I told her to do so and he just said that he wanted to talk was all. Mom decided to give him that chance so he told me to go into the living room beside us while he talked to my mom. He tried to talk soft enough so I couldn't hear. He tried to blame me for not helping him out with the bank situation and that I was blowing things out of proportion. I tried to yell from the living room and he just kept denying what I was trying to say. I went back into the kitchen and inserted myself in the converation. I told her my story and she said that it was too late to call the cops now since it had already happened and that I should have called when it was happening. I tried to get to the house phone on the wall and my husband got in the way. My dad comes upstairs and asked what was going on. He suggested that he take my husband back home and I told him that I was staying here. My parents thought that was a good idea so I stayed in my old bedroom. My mom came in and I cried on her shouldn't most all night. My arm had already started to bruise up too. My dad had come back after a while and even said that my husband tried to tell him his side of the story and my dad told him what's what. He told me that if he ever takes the doorknob off again that I need to tell him and that he would call the cops for destruction of private property. After everything, I just cried myself to sleep.
After that incident, I permanently moved out of my in-laws house. No one else knows why, of course. They just think that we got into an everyday argument and I didn't like it so I moved out. I wonder what they would say if I told them the truth. Knowing them they would just say that that's him for you and that I should have just did as he said and everything would have been fine. Instead I made it into something worse. But then again, that's just how they think.
I know that this is some rough stuff to read, but this is what I deal with. I stay in this marriage still because I feel like its the right thing to do. We have now been separated for 5 1/2 months and I don't see him changing yet. I am not with him so he doesn't do any of this to me, but he still yells and curses at me when we argue about our problems. I just hope I can truly realize that this is no way to live. Also keep in mind that his family doesn't know all or basically any of what has gone on and they think I am in the wrong. They don't even try to ask what happened or to try to understand. They think I blow things out of proportion and lie about it. With really having gone through all of this, it's unfathomable that anyone would ever lie about something this serious, not to mention saying that they know what we go through in our day to day lives with having to walk on eggshells and get scared and shakey if you even have an incling that he is getting angry. People don't understand the toll it takes on us emotionally, physically, mentally, and sometimes even sexually. He even got to the point where he was controlling what I could and couldn't wear to bed. I was only allowed to wear underwear at the last points and he would threaten me if I didn't take my shirt or pants off or if I tried to wear anything else to bed that he didn't like.
I am keeping these things in a safe place for when and if I file for divorce. Thank you for letting me share this.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Stress
Things are getting so much harder these days. I just started a second part time job (which I am loving, by the way), but I am still not getting the kind of hours I need. Retail is usually slow during January, February, and March but hopefully it will pick up really quick. Work helps me get my mind off of things and I guess you can say that since I have been married and got this job, it has been my only time for myself. I have my jobs there for more than just money.
But it's not just about the job situation for me. I mean, yeah, my husband's not willing to do what it takes to get a job is a HUGE problem, but there is a lot more to it. I feel like the world is on my shoulders since he won't take responsibility. I have to worry about the $8,000 or so that I have to pay in medical bills, I have to worry about saving money up for a car, I have to worry about his anger going wild every time we have an arguement or fight. It's everything.
The other day, he had to go to court for driving on a suspended license and we had a disagreement. He called me some unruly and cruel names that no one should ever call their worst enemy, even. He tried to make the excuse of "No, I didn't actually call you that. I just said you were ACTING like one." Sorry to hand it to you, but in the real world, there is NO difference, specially when you are saying that stuff to your wife. It's inexcusable.
The other day, he had to go to court for driving on a suspended license and we had a disagreement. He called me some unruly and cruel names that no one should ever call their worst enemy, even. He tried to make the excuse of "No, I didn't actually call you that. I just said you were ACTING like one." Sorry to hand it to you, but in the real world, there is NO difference, specially when you are saying that stuff to your wife. It's inexcusable.
I have been crying ever since. It hurt me pretty bad to hear him call me those things or to even mention that that is how he views me. All because of some stupid arguement about his fines. But then again, he always gets angry over the littlest of things and lets loose. It is extremely damaging. Being alone and single is better than being married and treated like the dirt he walks on. Being told that I'm freaking useless (worse words were initially used), being bruised both emotionally and physically, or being yelled, cursed, and screamed at just because I apparently "don't listen" or because "I'm pissing him off on purpose." It's not worth all the heartache nor the bodyache. I'm tired of being bruised up after every fight and waking up with puffy eyes. I'm tired of waking up to a pounding headache from all of the crying I did the night before. I'm tired of people thinking that I am weak because I still stay with an abusive person. I have stayed in this marriage even while being abused because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to try all I could to try to keep this marriage afloat. I felt like that is what God wanted me to do. But, it always backfires on me, or that's just God's way of saying "OK, I am giving you an opportunity to separate."
I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. I have been having emotional breakdowns lately. I am so broken right now I am losing any hope even when I have tried to put hope in situations where there was none. I feel lower than low. I just want to spend the rest of my life with a good man who knows his duties, has his head on straight, and loves and cherrishes me with every fiber of his being. I had someone like that once but I made a mistake to turn him away, now look at me. I don't want people to make the same life changing mistake I did. It is a lonely road ahead. I just need to pray that God will be here with me through it all and to help guide me along the way.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Skimming Through Marital Issues
Marital problems. They get to you at times. We have tried to try to keep things at least tolerable but it usually blows up in my face. Nothing seems to help in the way it needs and nothing seems to be a strong point.
I won't tell you my story just yet, but I will say that my marriage has been a tough one. We married young (as we still are) and honestly didn't think anything through when we decided to get married. This journey has proven to be a turning point for me. I was in my rebellious stage and decided to go for the "bad" guy. Boy, was that a mistake.
I will make this clear; when I mean that it was a mistake, I don't mean that in the way you think. I never would have dated a guy like that not even think twice about looking at him, but I was having a really hard time with life and stress at that point so I sort of acted out. I dated a guy who cursed like nothing else and drank and smoked. He was proud and thought himself invincible. He had too many girl friends that he also flirted with even though he made excuses for it. He hardly had any guy friends because all the ones he had in high school had grown up ... but not him. Not my husband. He was 21 going on 15 at times, then at others, even 10. Unfortunately, absolutely none of that has changed even to this day.
His family was a bit of a horrid family after a while of seeing what kind of people they were even though they were still nice to me in person because they had to be. They were great at first, but after we started having problems and I realized that I wasn't the only person he had feelings for it seemed, I confronted him and all that went to hell. His family has always thought that I was the problem. They thought I was a spoiled brat who got mad if things didn't go her way. Yes, I admit that if things don't go my way that I was angry, but when I say "my way", I actually mean appropriate things . . Common sense kind of stuff. The things he did were nothing near appropriate for when you are in a relationship. His family thought he did no wrong. All they saw was that I would separate from him once in a while. That is ALL they saw. Oh, but trust me, I didn't necessarily have a clean slate. I had always thought that the perain you marry would automatically do the right thing. But there it is .. I assume things. I also like to talk about our problems. If something is bothering me, I speak up about it and want to sit down and talk.
Things were doomed even before we got married, but after we did, I knew that things had to change. I realized that I now had responsibility not just as an adult, but as a wife. I changed my attitude about things and that didn't make him happy. I basically made things change even though he didn't want them to. I know he thought I was being controlling, but I realized it was time to grow up and get serious about our responsibilities. There were definite boundaries in marriage that he crossed from the start and I was seeking to put an end to that. Honestly I was hoping he would do it of his own accord. It took him a while but he eventually did ... for a while.
Even with that, there are a lot more problems we have had that have made us separate a good number of times. And to tell you the truth, we are separated now. It kills me that things have ended this way. The only thing I can do is look back on how things were and learn from the mistakes I've made. I am hoping he would do the same, but it'll take a life or death situation for him to realize that he's done some serious stuff. I have made my mistakes just as he has his, but nothing at all like this. At least not that he has come to me about. Things like not understanding what he's wanting me to do with car stuff or such as that, I complain a lot about hurting. I am sick a lot. I come to conclusions before I confront him, but there's a lot to go with that too. I raise my voice more than I ever have since I have never raised my voice in a relationship before. I am insecure and jealous at times. I have depression and worry a lot. These are all of my problems, but the only conclusion I can come to is; I am only human. We make mistakes and poor choices, but it's only a mistake if you actually learn from it and move on. I don't realize that I do these things as often as I do, but I know that I can't make excuses and that I need to do better about it.
My life has been wonderful but there have also been rough times, but the roughest of all had to be either my senior year or my marriage. Sometimes I just can't believe that I got myself into this mess in the first place. I have, however, learned to deal with my choices and to take up my responsibilities. I have learned so much from this marriage even though it has been more along the lines of "For worse" than "For better" I have tried to stick through it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I do truly love my husband too. I never thought I could love him as much as I do. We have gone through so much together that yes, while part of my love for him died with the things he has done and said to me, my love has also grown with trying to press on. It truly does amaze me at how God does that. Even through the darkest of times, He will remind me of why I am here and that I need to remember that I got myself here, against His will, and I need to get myself out and that He will help pull me up when I get too weak to stand it anymore.
I hope this little bit helps other people out there reading this. Not every marriage or relationahip is perfect. These things take a lot of time, effort, patience, and humility. Don't turn around when things get rough. Don't just think to up and leave when there are problems. You have to face those issues . . together. I honestly don't think I have done a good job even with the circumstances I have been in with my husband, but I always remembered that we are MARRIED and that marriage is extremely serious, a LOT more serious than people make it out to be in this day and age. People think that they can throw relationships as special and sacred as marriage away when something goes awry. That happens to be such nonsense. It makes me sad when people think of it as just another relationship but a little more serious. You have promised to be with ONE person physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually for the rest of ya'lls lives. But even so, I do hope that people will learn from my experiences and my story. Maybe I can help others realize that they aren't alone and that I can relate. If you stumble and fall into a dark tunnel, just remember that no matter how deep or dark that tunnel is, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and someone will be there to pick you up.
I won't tell you my story just yet, but I will say that my marriage has been a tough one. We married young (as we still are) and honestly didn't think anything through when we decided to get married. This journey has proven to be a turning point for me. I was in my rebellious stage and decided to go for the "bad" guy. Boy, was that a mistake.
I will make this clear; when I mean that it was a mistake, I don't mean that in the way you think. I never would have dated a guy like that not even think twice about looking at him, but I was having a really hard time with life and stress at that point so I sort of acted out. I dated a guy who cursed like nothing else and drank and smoked. He was proud and thought himself invincible. He had too many girl friends that he also flirted with even though he made excuses for it. He hardly had any guy friends because all the ones he had in high school had grown up ... but not him. Not my husband. He was 21 going on 15 at times, then at others, even 10. Unfortunately, absolutely none of that has changed even to this day.
His family was a bit of a horrid family after a while of seeing what kind of people they were even though they were still nice to me in person because they had to be. They were great at first, but after we started having problems and I realized that I wasn't the only person he had feelings for it seemed, I confronted him and all that went to hell. His family has always thought that I was the problem. They thought I was a spoiled brat who got mad if things didn't go her way. Yes, I admit that if things don't go my way that I was angry, but when I say "my way", I actually mean appropriate things . . Common sense kind of stuff. The things he did were nothing near appropriate for when you are in a relationship. His family thought he did no wrong. All they saw was that I would separate from him once in a while. That is ALL they saw. Oh, but trust me, I didn't necessarily have a clean slate. I had always thought that the perain you marry would automatically do the right thing. But there it is .. I assume things. I also like to talk about our problems. If something is bothering me, I speak up about it and want to sit down and talk.
Things were doomed even before we got married, but after we did, I knew that things had to change. I realized that I now had responsibility not just as an adult, but as a wife. I changed my attitude about things and that didn't make him happy. I basically made things change even though he didn't want them to. I know he thought I was being controlling, but I realized it was time to grow up and get serious about our responsibilities. There were definite boundaries in marriage that he crossed from the start and I was seeking to put an end to that. Honestly I was hoping he would do it of his own accord. It took him a while but he eventually did ... for a while.
Even with that, there are a lot more problems we have had that have made us separate a good number of times. And to tell you the truth, we are separated now. It kills me that things have ended this way. The only thing I can do is look back on how things were and learn from the mistakes I've made. I am hoping he would do the same, but it'll take a life or death situation for him to realize that he's done some serious stuff. I have made my mistakes just as he has his, but nothing at all like this. At least not that he has come to me about. Things like not understanding what he's wanting me to do with car stuff or such as that, I complain a lot about hurting. I am sick a lot. I come to conclusions before I confront him, but there's a lot to go with that too. I raise my voice more than I ever have since I have never raised my voice in a relationship before. I am insecure and jealous at times. I have depression and worry a lot. These are all of my problems, but the only conclusion I can come to is; I am only human. We make mistakes and poor choices, but it's only a mistake if you actually learn from it and move on. I don't realize that I do these things as often as I do, but I know that I can't make excuses and that I need to do better about it.
My life has been wonderful but there have also been rough times, but the roughest of all had to be either my senior year or my marriage. Sometimes I just can't believe that I got myself into this mess in the first place. I have, however, learned to deal with my choices and to take up my responsibilities. I have learned so much from this marriage even though it has been more along the lines of "For worse" than "For better" I have tried to stick through it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I do truly love my husband too. I never thought I could love him as much as I do. We have gone through so much together that yes, while part of my love for him died with the things he has done and said to me, my love has also grown with trying to press on. It truly does amaze me at how God does that. Even through the darkest of times, He will remind me of why I am here and that I need to remember that I got myself here, against His will, and I need to get myself out and that He will help pull me up when I get too weak to stand it anymore.
I hope this little bit helps other people out there reading this. Not every marriage or relationahip is perfect. These things take a lot of time, effort, patience, and humility. Don't turn around when things get rough. Don't just think to up and leave when there are problems. You have to face those issues . . together. I honestly don't think I have done a good job even with the circumstances I have been in with my husband, but I always remembered that we are MARRIED and that marriage is extremely serious, a LOT more serious than people make it out to be in this day and age. People think that they can throw relationships as special and sacred as marriage away when something goes awry. That happens to be such nonsense. It makes me sad when people think of it as just another relationship but a little more serious. You have promised to be with ONE person physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually for the rest of ya'lls lives. But even so, I do hope that people will learn from my experiences and my story. Maybe I can help others realize that they aren't alone and that I can relate. If you stumble and fall into a dark tunnel, just remember that no matter how deep or dark that tunnel is, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and someone will be there to pick you up.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
An issue
I can't help but wonder, does he even truly love me? If he loved me, he wouldn't treat me in such ways or talk to me the way he usually does. Why can't he treat me like I am his wife and not his "punching bag" or an animal. Why is it so hard for him to treat me with love, honor, respect, or decency? Am I that terrible of a person that he has to touch me in the way he does or to talk to me like I am a complete idiot with no common sense? Do I really make him THAT mad that he has to yell and curse at me like he does? Am I truly not deserving of love or respect? Have I messed up?
Unfortunately, I know where he gets it. My husband's mom's side of the family is Polish royalty. He was brought up in the Catholic church and still considers himself as such even though he doesn't practice it nor does he actually believe in much of anything. Eithe that ot he believes in everything (I can't exactly tell which one). He thinks that he got himself where he is today (not that he should be proud of that) and says that he didn't do any of it with God's help, just his own.
My husband has always had an anger problem from what I have heard. The main problem is, his parents didn't know how to handle him acting out. I have no proof except for his word, but he has told me stuff that gave me goosebumps in a bad way. I have been told that since his parents didn't know how to "control" him, they would tie him up in a chair with zip ties, beat his head into the floor or the wall, broke a couple of rulers on him, threatened to hit him with a mag light, and the list goes on. Not only that but my friend's mom witnessed his mother do something to him in public while at the pool (I do not know details at this present time other than she slapped or hit him). No wonder he turned out like he has. He has a huge temper, occasionally throws temper tantrums involving cursing, yelling, screaming, and a slam of the door and, therefore, somewhat breaking it. I have seen these tantrums along with fights and meaningless arguments he and his family have. I have never witnessed such disrespect towards other humans in my life. I never even hear them say "I love you" except when getting off the phone. I mean, no wonder he and I have problems, not to mention we have been living in his parents place since we got married. Just try to imagine the things I have to hear and experience. I have never witnessed a family treat each other in such ways. At one point, he and his dad got into an argument and he got into his face but his mom intervened by stepping in the way and making him put his anger on her. She would yell and curse back at him and even egged him on to hit her. And actually, he did a while before that. Either that or it was that time. I witnessed it myself but seeing how this family was, I was learning that his was normal for them. It was normal to threaten each other and to hit and to let him put you in choke holds or to yell and curse like no one could hear you. To put your hand on each other or to speak to one another in anger ... that is a normal day to them. They see nothing wrong with it.
This, ladies and gentleman, is the kind of person my husband has become. I won't say that it's all because of his family, certainly not. He is 25 years old so I know that he knows that that is NOT the way to treat anyone. He make excuses, of course, saying that I piss him off on purpose and that I push him over the edge because I know what pisses him off yet I do it anyways. Even though I know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes and do things wrong, he has no patience nor does he care if he does that to me until I call the cops or anything pertaining to him getting into trouble.
I finally decided that a year of having to deal with him grabbing me by the arms and shaking me at times or trying to drag me out of a car and cursing at me was enough. I called the cops (I threatened to call, but he dialed them for me and told me to press send, so I did) and he wasn't too happy with that, nor was his family. That think that I made the story up or that I was mad because I "didn't get my way". I'm sorry, but what did I want to come out of this? Do I enjoy pissing my husband off and him putting his hands on me and grabbing so hard enough that I get bruises? Honestly. -.- It makes me wonder how he even survived his childhood. How can people be so oblivious and ignorant to right and wrong? I really don't get it. I just hope that he is finally starting to realize that that is not a family. A family is a group of people who love each other and who do not treat each other like animals. And that is how he has been treating me as well. From my experience with him, it feels like he thinks that everyone except for him is inferior and either ignorant and lack common sense or just am plain stupid. That's how he acts. Nothing is as important as him and his ideas.
I thought that with being married to him, maybe he would learn how to truly love someone. Well, my goal was too high. I tried but I guess I wasn't as good an example like I thought I was or would hopen to be. But that is what I have to deal with, not only from him, but his family too. I am ready to get out of those situations. I am wanting to be set free from having to deal with that kind of stuff. I thought what I had to do was to just deal with it since it is his family, but now I know that nothing will change if someone finally calls them out on their behavior. While I know right from wrong, I know that I don't always act the way I should either. But I know when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. Maybe, just maybe, other people could learn this too.
Unfortunately, I know where he gets it. My husband's mom's side of the family is Polish royalty. He was brought up in the Catholic church and still considers himself as such even though he doesn't practice it nor does he actually believe in much of anything. Eithe that ot he believes in everything (I can't exactly tell which one). He thinks that he got himself where he is today (not that he should be proud of that) and says that he didn't do any of it with God's help, just his own.
My husband has always had an anger problem from what I have heard. The main problem is, his parents didn't know how to handle him acting out. I have no proof except for his word, but he has told me stuff that gave me goosebumps in a bad way. I have been told that since his parents didn't know how to "control" him, they would tie him up in a chair with zip ties, beat his head into the floor or the wall, broke a couple of rulers on him, threatened to hit him with a mag light, and the list goes on. Not only that but my friend's mom witnessed his mother do something to him in public while at the pool (I do not know details at this present time other than she slapped or hit him). No wonder he turned out like he has. He has a huge temper, occasionally throws temper tantrums involving cursing, yelling, screaming, and a slam of the door and, therefore, somewhat breaking it. I have seen these tantrums along with fights and meaningless arguments he and his family have. I have never witnessed such disrespect towards other humans in my life. I never even hear them say "I love you" except when getting off the phone. I mean, no wonder he and I have problems, not to mention we have been living in his parents place since we got married. Just try to imagine the things I have to hear and experience. I have never witnessed a family treat each other in such ways. At one point, he and his dad got into an argument and he got into his face but his mom intervened by stepping in the way and making him put his anger on her. She would yell and curse back at him and even egged him on to hit her. And actually, he did a while before that. Either that or it was that time. I witnessed it myself but seeing how this family was, I was learning that his was normal for them. It was normal to threaten each other and to hit and to let him put you in choke holds or to yell and curse like no one could hear you. To put your hand on each other or to speak to one another in anger ... that is a normal day to them. They see nothing wrong with it.
This, ladies and gentleman, is the kind of person my husband has become. I won't say that it's all because of his family, certainly not. He is 25 years old so I know that he knows that that is NOT the way to treat anyone. He make excuses, of course, saying that I piss him off on purpose and that I push him over the edge because I know what pisses him off yet I do it anyways. Even though I know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes and do things wrong, he has no patience nor does he care if he does that to me until I call the cops or anything pertaining to him getting into trouble.
I finally decided that a year of having to deal with him grabbing me by the arms and shaking me at times or trying to drag me out of a car and cursing at me was enough. I called the cops (I threatened to call, but he dialed them for me and told me to press send, so I did) and he wasn't too happy with that, nor was his family. That think that I made the story up or that I was mad because I "didn't get my way". I'm sorry, but what did I want to come out of this? Do I enjoy pissing my husband off and him putting his hands on me and grabbing so hard enough that I get bruises? Honestly. -.- It makes me wonder how he even survived his childhood. How can people be so oblivious and ignorant to right and wrong? I really don't get it. I just hope that he is finally starting to realize that that is not a family. A family is a group of people who love each other and who do not treat each other like animals. And that is how he has been treating me as well. From my experience with him, it feels like he thinks that everyone except for him is inferior and either ignorant and lack common sense or just am plain stupid. That's how he acts. Nothing is as important as him and his ideas.
I thought that with being married to him, maybe he would learn how to truly love someone. Well, my goal was too high. I tried but I guess I wasn't as good an example like I thought I was or would hopen to be. But that is what I have to deal with, not only from him, but his family too. I am ready to get out of those situations. I am wanting to be set free from having to deal with that kind of stuff. I thought what I had to do was to just deal with it since it is his family, but now I know that nothing will change if someone finally calls them out on their behavior. While I know right from wrong, I know that I don't always act the way I should either. But I know when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. Maybe, just maybe, other people could learn this too.
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