Marital problems. They get to you at times. We have tried to try to keep things at least tolerable but it usually blows up in my face. Nothing seems to help in the way it needs and nothing seems to be a strong point.
I won't tell you my story just yet, but I will say that my marriage has been a tough one. We married young (as we still are) and honestly didn't think anything through when we decided to get married. This journey has proven to be a turning point for me. I was in my rebellious stage and decided to go for the "bad" guy. Boy, was that a mistake.
I will make this clear; when I mean that it was a mistake, I don't mean that in the way you think. I never would have dated a guy like that not even think twice about looking at him, but I was having a really hard time with life and stress at that point so I sort of acted out. I dated a guy who cursed like nothing else and drank and smoked. He was proud and thought himself invincible. He had too many girl friends that he also flirted with even though he made excuses for it. He hardly had any guy friends because all the ones he had in high school had grown up ... but not him. Not my husband. He was 21 going on 15 at times, then at others, even 10. Unfortunately, absolutely none of that has changed even to this day.
His family was a bit of a horrid family after a while of seeing what kind of people they were even though they were still nice to me in person because they had to be. They were great at first, but after we started having problems and I realized that I wasn't the only person he had feelings for it seemed, I confronted him and all that went to hell. His family has always thought that I was the problem. They thought I was a spoiled brat who got mad if things didn't go her way. Yes, I admit that if things don't go my way that I was angry, but when I say "my way", I actually mean appropriate things . . Common sense kind of stuff. The things he did were nothing near appropriate for when you are in a relationship. His family thought he did no wrong. All they saw was that I would separate from him once in a while. That is ALL they saw. Oh, but trust me, I didn't necessarily have a clean slate. I had always thought that the perain you marry would automatically do the right thing. But there it is .. I assume things. I also like to talk about our problems. If something is bothering me, I speak up about it and want to sit down and talk.
Things were doomed even before we got married, but after we did, I knew that things had to change. I realized that I now had responsibility not just as an adult, but as a wife. I changed my attitude about things and that didn't make him happy. I basically made things change even though he didn't want them to. I know he thought I was being controlling, but I realized it was time to grow up and get serious about our responsibilities. There were definite boundaries in marriage that he crossed from the start and I was seeking to put an end to that. Honestly I was hoping he would do it of his own accord. It took him a while but he eventually did ... for a while.
Even with that, there are a lot more problems we have had that have made us separate a good number of times. And to tell you the truth, we are separated now. It kills me that things have ended this way. The only thing I can do is look back on how things were and learn from the mistakes I've made. I am hoping he would do the same, but it'll take a life or death situation for him to realize that he's done some serious stuff. I have made my mistakes just as he has his, but nothing at all like this. At least not that he has come to me about. Things like not understanding what he's wanting me to do with car stuff or such as that, I complain a lot about hurting. I am sick a lot. I come to conclusions before I confront him, but there's a lot to go with that too. I raise my voice more than I ever have since I have never raised my voice in a relationship before. I am insecure and jealous at times. I have depression and worry a lot. These are all of my problems, but the only conclusion I can come to is; I am only human. We make mistakes and poor choices, but it's only a mistake if you actually learn from it and move on. I don't realize that I do these things as often as I do, but I know that I can't make excuses and that I need to do better about it.
My life has been wonderful but there have also been rough times, but the roughest of all had to be either my senior year or my marriage. Sometimes I just can't believe that I got myself into this mess in the first place. I have, however, learned to deal with my choices and to take up my responsibilities. I have learned so much from this marriage even though it has been more along the lines of "For worse" than "For better" I have tried to stick through it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I do truly love my husband too. I never thought I could love him as much as I do. We have gone through so much together that yes, while part of my love for him died with the things he has done and said to me, my love has also grown with trying to press on. It truly does amaze me at how God does that. Even through the darkest of times, He will remind me of why I am here and that I need to remember that I got myself here, against His will, and I need to get myself out and that He will help pull me up when I get too weak to stand it anymore.
I hope this little bit helps other people out there reading this. Not every marriage or relationahip is perfect. These things take a lot of time, effort, patience, and humility. Don't turn around when things get rough. Don't just think to up and leave when there are problems. You have to face those issues . . together. I honestly don't think I have done a good job even with the circumstances I have been in with my husband, but I always remembered that we are MARRIED and that marriage is extremely serious, a LOT more serious than people make it out to be in this day and age. People think that they can throw relationships as special and sacred as marriage away when something goes awry. That happens to be such nonsense. It makes me sad when people think of it as just another relationship but a little more serious. You have promised to be with ONE person physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually for the rest of ya'lls lives. But even so, I do hope that people will learn from my experiences and my story. Maybe I can help others realize that they aren't alone and that I can relate. If you stumble and fall into a dark tunnel, just remember that no matter how deep or dark that tunnel is, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and someone will be there to pick you up.
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