Taking It's Toll

     Life seems like it's not going to let up anytime soon. My sister and her husband have problems of their own so she and the kids are now living with us. It's so stressful but I know that we are really helping her out. She has been looking for jobs for two weeks or so and has gotten three calls back. She's doing a good job with balancing things and she also seems to be a lot more sane than I am. The protective order she tried to get didn't go through because he didn't harm her or threaten her at that time. So now the main problem at hand is custody. That court date isn't for another couple months. 
     I am still living with my mom and dad. It's been almost 9 months since I moved out of my in-laws place. I had tried to stop complaining or even thinking about my husband getting a job and things were getting better between us. We went on our anniversary trip and while we ran into a little bit of trouble, things were good, I think. We came back and things got hectic with my sister coming to live here. My nerves have been so crazy that I've been moody and stressed. We were talking with my mom one night and the idea of getting an apartment was brought up. I felt like we had some shimmer of hope that we can actually get through this hard time and be a family. I tried talking to him again about the job stuff and see if his attitude had changed. He just ignored me, again.
     I had to think long and hard about what needed to happen and I told my husband that we needed to come up with a plan. He ignored me on that too. If we were going to try to make things work, he needs to help me with pulling the weight. After all of the abuse and emotional cheating and the irresponsibility, I don't know what else to do. I feel sad, alone, unappreciated, and unloved at times. I love him so much and for some reason, I just can't be without him. He comforts me even though he makes me scared at times. He has a certain warmth to him that makes me feel safe from anything and everybody else, except himself. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and it has to change now, for both of us. I was emotionally cracking and I finally mentioned that we should divorce. He thought it was a joke at first but after a couple of days with not talking, he got the idea but I have been an emotional wreck. I'm crying every day and am not eating much. I miss him and above all, I love him. Even now, I really just don't want to give up. 
     I still tried texting him and he said that I wasn't worth it anymore and that I have caused enough problems. He's been turning the whole thing around and it hurts. I know that I will hurt either way. I'm going to hurt if I stay with him because I know he won't change and will continue to be physically , verbally, and emotionally harming to me even if it gets better, but I also know that I will hurt if I leave him because I love him and will feel like a failure. I know that I have not done a good job with being encouraging to him with the work situation and I haven't helped anything. I know I complain and nag all the time and I'm stressed. I know that I assume too much instead of calmly confronting him even though I'm right maybe 90% of the time and he still continues to lie even when I catch him. I know I don't trust him but there are reasons for that and he hasnt tried to gain it back. I even texted him about how we could fix things and he said 1) I'm gonna have to trust him .. hands down above anything else and 2) to never go through his phone or messages anymore. Playing along and trying not to argue about it, I told him that that presents another question : "How else were you planning to gain my trust back since you won't let me look at your phone? That is how you lost my trust so it would only be fitting that that's how you gain it back, but since you are adament on still hiding all of that, you need to come up with some other way. " His pathetic response, "Or you could just suck it the f*** up. I'll even give you a straw." But in his eyes, I read too much into things and take them the wrong way. 
     Why do I let him do this to me and talk to me this way? Honest to goodness, I don't know. All I do know is that I love him and want to get appreciation for what I do right and love. Whatever love and affection or true intimacy I do get is a treat. That's how I see it. I am looking for him to treat me like I am more than just somebody. I want him to test me like I am his only. I am so hurt throughout all of this that I am wondering if it really is my fault or if he is just trying to make me out I be the bad guy. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm nothing anymore.