Well, today was a rough day. I paid my lawyer whatever was left I owed, and I also told him to go ahead and file. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am hurt. I am confused. I am sad. I am strong, but then again this is a big step for me . . But a step in which direction? Is this going to change both of our relationships with our daughter that died? Is he going to forget her? Are we still going to be a family? All of those things kill me inside because he really has been wonderful lately about remembering our daughter in an extremely special way.
Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous.
But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(
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