I know I haven't put anything on here in a while, but I have been going through a lot. Things have been hard but God's goodness and love remains. Only He knows the full extent to all situations as well as the outcome. But for all involved, the journey is still a lot to bear.
To start off, the divorce was finalized November 13, 2014. I didn't get my papers then but my ex spouse did and I was a complete wreck for about a week. After that, I felt like crying it out helped. I had tried to see things in a new light and a new way to be able to change my life for God's glory. But it has proven to be a difficult process to get through. I knew I would have regrets and consequences either way, but I never realized it would be this bad because my love for him still stands. It is greater noW than it ever has been. We are getting along so much better now than we ever have been and we are actually friends now. We are finally getting to a point of reconciling and apologizing and learning to get through the issues we had.
One day my sister messaged him and decided to butt into our business. Actually, it was more like telling how our marriage or relationship is her business and that her opinion matters. She had told him that I can't divorce him and that I was treating him like crap because of it and that I am horrible. Let's just say she was very mad when he told her that we were already divorced. I even decided to relay a message that was not so nice. While she is my sister, she needs to stop worrying or butting into my business when she has her own issues to deal with. Going back to an abusive cheater and moving your two children on a whim every couple of months isn't exactly making parent of the year.
Now, that makes me come to my next issue. My sister is pregnant again. Her husband decided that he wants nothing to do with this one and that she should get an abortion because he isn't going to take care of the child or pay a cent for him/her. He claims she cheated on him before he came back to get her (she definitely didn't). So after a while of him acting like this towards her, she decides that this is it. She needs to get out. Me, knowing how she doesn't really know what she wants, knew she wasn't really serious. but after a tiny while, my dad and my ex husband went to get her and the kids. The kids got enrolled in school here again and everything. My sister even talked to a lawyer at the law firm that I used in my dicorce About custody situations. He told her about a couple of things and that if she went back to her husband, they would more than likely lose the kids.
Needless to say, my sister didn't take any of that seriously and her attitude changed just two days later. My brother-in-law had appealed the originally custody case in December, so the appeal case was a week after she got here. Well, she and the kids spent all day with him on Monday and even spent the night with him at my grandma's. Court was on Tuesday. Me and my ex waited for the kids to get off the bus from school, but they weren't on the bus. Right then was the moment I knew that they were planning to leave again. Only a week after my dad spent a fortune going up to Pennsylvania and bringing them back, she lies to all of us and goes back yet again. But before they left, my niece and I had a moment. She came into my room to say good bye, so I held her hands and told her that I was so sorry that they keep doing this to them. I also told her that I would keep them if I could. The tears came hard and heavy and I told her that I loved them so much and hugged her. Then she began to cry with me. I cuffed her face and told her that she was still my niece and that I loved her so so much. The hurt in her eyes was so great, it broke my heart. Those kids have been through so much and they do not at such a young age. They don't deserve to be treated like luggage or leverage. It's inhumane.
So now that this has happened again, my parents are filing for custody of the kids. My sister and her husband do not deserve those kids. They need to be in a stable and healthy enviroment. They need to be in a loving and warm home. So that is now underway and we are praying that God will allow us to be able to take care of those kids and bring them up in a healthy Godly home. So please pray for this situation as it unfolds.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Too Many Thoughts.
I am not normally a negetive Nancy, but something has just been driving me insane lately. My husband got his divorce papers last week. I am nervous and emotional wreck. That's to be expected of anyone getting a divorce. I would sure hope nobody would be happy about getting a divorce even if it's to a bad person.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Response To An Article
I just came across a post on Facebook that tells you about ten good reasons not to marry your boyfriend. And I must say that that was one of the smartest and most extrordinary post I have ever read. If you would like to read it, the post is at Joleneengle.com and its named "10 Very Good Reasons Not To Marry The Guy".
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Now, I have also shared that link on my Facebook, but I will give a perfect example on here for you so you can understand why I agree with this post 100%.
Reason one: if Jesus Christ is not his Lord and Savior. Now, with that, Jesus IS Lord and Savior whether you choose to believe it or not. It doesn't change that fact. But that is basically saying that THE deal breaker should be if he is not a Christian nor does he act like one. Point blank.
Reason two: if he is a different religion than you. All of these hit home for me, but this one in particular is very very important and ties into the first point. I am a Christian. I married a Catholic. Those two do not mix well. Trust me on this. We believe differently as well as worship differently, including different people in some ways. My husband and I have always fought over these issues and I have vowed that I would never put let my children be raised in a cult (yes, I have been to their mass and have even asked questions all I needed to. Trust me, from my view, it definitely is a cultish religion of its own. I went and I immediately just wanted to turn around and walk out). My children should know what the Catholics teach and believe, but only for certain purposes for when they get older. Having parents with different religions is a very bad example to set for your children. It can be damaging, unhealthy, and completely non glorifying to God since it is a direct disobedience in relation to what He has commanded us to do.
Reason three: He doesn't work or isn't actively applying for jobs. Wow. Now this one takes a big chunk in my marriage. My husband is 26 years old and has only worked a grand total of five days (not including drill weekends which is only one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer per year) since we have been together. We have been together for five years next month. Even though he may say that he is applying for jobs, his actions and even some of his words say otherwise. I have never in my entire life encountered such a person who is so responsibility lazy. His attitude shows that he doesn't even care to get a job or have a home of his own. He doesn't show that he cares to provide for a family. His dad got him into a hobby that gives him some money at times, but they act like that's a job.
So if someone is putting their time and energy into anything other than looking for a job 24/7, then you need to move on. You need a man that will take up his responsibilities as an adult and future husband.
Reason four: compromising purity. This simply put means that if he is interested and is trying to have sex with you before marriage or even before anything, move on and forget him. You need someone who will have the utmost resoect for you, your body, and your morals. A future husband would never want to jeopardize that. And unfortunately, my husband did push me a good bit into it and while I did feel extremely uncomfortable with it, I gave in. So I was just as much to blame as he was.
Reason five: anger issues. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how else to put it. If he shows any signs of anger or abuse, quickly turn and walk the other way. I have already written down my life story with that. If you need to reread some of it, it was my first ever blog post. Anger issues never just stop when or if you try to talk to them. It just gets worse and worse no matter how many excuses you try to make for them. Do NOT let it get to that point or you may never even make it past that alive.
Reason six: Still being attatched to his parents. This is not saying that you shouldn't get married if you or he is still close to your parents. This is saying that if you still rely on them for anything and everything, don't even go there. My husband has always lived with his parents anf me with mine. My parents kicked me out for serious reasons that I agree with and I ended up living with him and his family. One of the worst decisions of my life. For one, his family is horrible. They curse like nithing I have ever heard and they yell and scream and curse at each other. Families don't do that and that is certainly no way to live. But another thing is that my husband relies on his parents for money, for gas, for groceries, and so on. Nothing has changed since he was in achool except that he used to be more independant then and now he is relapsing. His mother always comes to his defense over things even in the abuse situations and try to say that I'm the one with a problem. So trust me on this. Just don't do that.
Reason seven: if he has addictions. Addictions is actually a broad subject and can involve many different things. It can be alcohol. It can be porn. It can be drugs. It can also be work, other women, TV, or his car. My husband has been very good with not getting caught up in things. The only issue we had for a tiny bit was porn and the bigger issue that has been going on throughout our whole marriage has been other girls. He is used to having females as close friends. But ladies, do not let this fool you. That is just an excuse. When one is married, you have to understand that the responsibilty you hold is to be your spouses best friend and no one elses. If you are not each others number one, then its a no go. This is very important because women slip to this temptation too. Having good friends of the opposite sex can break a marriage. Not because of trust issues and not because of the friend issue, but because of not making your spouse the priority and having that role ONLY for your spouse. It can cause a lot of unnecessary problems otherwise.
My husband has had so many emotional affairs with different women that I lost count because I was so tired of it going on. It seemed like the usual thing and I was just a side chick that he would talk to, bash, and have sex with whenever he wanted. He never used to show me emotional attatchment but he would them. That is what hurt me the most. I had a close guy friend too at one point but he wanted to be more than friends and I had to stop talking to him because it was getting to be too apparent. But having close friends of the opposite sex is very scary because that kind of stuff may happen and it is damaging to a marriage and to your self respect. Or even your spouses respect of you.
Reason eight: He places himself first. Let's just out this one out there and say that if you are not a top priority and he has more attitude towards himself than to you or God, there is nothing you can do to change that. So don't even bother. My husband used to think and talk about himself all the time and I wanted to just chop my ears off. I was never even a thought in his mind. After he saw me wanting to leave him, he flipped it around into trying to keep me here. For me, its the opposite. I always thought of him and wanted to make him happy as long as it didnt interfere with building our marriage up. These days, however, now that we have been separated a while, I have needed to focus on myself and where I need to be in life. I have had medical issues to sort out and bills I need to get into and my self esteem to help build back up piece by piece. But if someone has more important things on their mind, let them. They won't truly notice that you are gone afterwards.
Reason nine: He doesn't repent when he sins. This kind of goes hand in hand with the whole not being a Christian thing, but it doesnt always have to be actual sins. This can also mean that if he does you wrong in any way, if he does not apologize and change, then that is how you need to see your future. My husband never apologized for any of the injuries he inflicted on my or how crappy and low he made me feel. He has gotten better about that now that we are divorcing but I have also understood that I didnt react to those situations in a healthy way and thag in itself is a sin as well that I didn't apologize for until a while after. So if he is not sorry and is not repentant to God then to you, just leave him be.
Reason ten: If he says he is a Christian but he doesn't act like it. An example of this is actually not us, but my sister and her husband. Her husbamd claims that he is a Christian but each and every one of his actions ever since we have known him has certainly said otherwise. It's just that unfathomable. In my case though, it would have to be me. I was in my rebelious stage when I met my husband and I did not act like I was a Christian. After we got married, though, God straightened me out good! But if anyone does things that contradict what they say, believe them and then leave them.
Reason eleven: If you do not respect him. Now, this seems to be a general idea. If you do not respect him in this aspect, then you won't respect him in that aspect afterwards either. The thing thag really got me here has to be my husband's friends. He wa in with the wrong crowd. They cursed, they drank, they smoked, they had sex and flirted like no tomorrow, and they had no morals. Also, these girls happened to be extremely young. Some were 12 and went up to 17 at that time maybe. He has always been leaning towards younger girls and I laid my foot down on that issue. It caused us problems in our marriage so bad that they tried to pin us against each other even after our daughter died. They had apparently had misscarriages before and it was just no big deal to them since sex was no big deal. One girl even called him at 3 in the morning at times while we were asleep in bed. That is a HUGE no no! If his friends dont respect you or visa versa, that is an indication to rethink things.
Again, this post is from Jolene Engle at Joleneengle.com/10-good-reasons-marry-guy/. Read it and if you need more examples, you can come back and read this post. But that really is an excellent article and should be taken seriously. I hope this helps some people!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My Wife Problems
You know, it's days like today that make me wonder how I will get through. I see so many of my friends who are falling in love and getting married and some are starting tl have kids. It hurts so bad knowing that I cannot have that in a responsible way. I never had a wedding to show off and I didnt have a beautiful wedding gown or wedding pictures. I cannot be proud of my marriage since we have gone through so much and we never had a home or anything to call ours. I couldn't even keep our daughter alive and that kills me inside. I don't have a family to show for our 4 years of marriage. I feel like a complete failure because of that but also because I am a wife with no home to take care of or present to anyone. Part of my duty as a wife is to keep house and make it look presentable and homely. But how can I do that when we have no home and the house is not mine? There are just so many things that sre blocking my view of this marriage and I know it is my fault, but its so hard to think otherwise.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Seven Year Fright
This month marks seven years since I was raped. I have memories and nightmares like it was just yesterday, but I know that I have come very far since then. I am still learning to heal each day but it is definitely still a work in progress. I try to keep everything hidden in the back of my mind where everything else can be in the way of it coming back forward, but during Septemeber, it's like my mind thinks all on its own and brings those horrible memories back.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
While I may have come so far already, I am still frightened. I still look over my shoulder because I'm worried and afraid that he will come back and hurt me because I talked. He knows where I live and he knows how to get into the deepest pits of my mind to manipulate me in such nasty ways. I always shiver when I see the model and color car he used to drive and raped me in. It's not always continously done, but I am so afraid that my mind automatically does it.
Last night my estranged husband was trying to still talk me out of the divorce proceedings and he let me know that I never go through things alone. When I worry, he worries. Trust me, I appreciate that sentiment. But what he doesn't get is that he doesn't have the constant worry for my safety like I do. I'm always scared that he is looking at me from afar and is waiting around every corner. I hate to go to sleep at night sometimes because I feel like he is there is my room watching me sleep and wanting me to feel unsafe. Yes I know that I used to wake my husband up when I was having nightmares that sometimes I surprisingly slept through, but it's so real. The nightmare is so real.
The things this guy would tell me was mysterious but also entriguing. He had told me that he was in the mob and he would always come around with different black Lexus cars so I knew he had to be doing something to get such money for that. He had told me he was a certain age but I later found out he was actually 20 years older than what he had said. After it had happened, he was trying to threaten me that he was planning to move here to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do anything. Later on my mom had figured out that it was possible that he was going to try to bring me up to where he lives to put me into a prostitution ring. Seemed legit with everything he had told me and what all he was trying.
So please pray for me to have peace of mind with this. It's going to be a battle for a long long time to come, I know. But just think of me and say a prayer for me please.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Yet Again
It seems like as of recently, life has been throwing some hardballs that I can never seem to catch. Today actually hit me. Well, it hit all of us, harder than we would have expected. After my sister got off work, we saw that my brother in law was outside. I was in my room with my husband trying to talk out some issues with the divorce and letting him speak up about his dislike for it (as well as I), when I heard my dad ask my sister what exactly was going on and that they needed to talk .. NOW. I went into the hallway and asked dad what was going on. All he could do is pace and tell me that he didn't know but that it wasn't good. Then we heard my sister and her husband packing things into tubs and load them into his truck. They were leaving yet again for Pennsylvania along with the kids and the kittens that I had been taking care of since she moved back. Apparently, my sister's mother in law has tried to get in touch with her to let her know that everything she has heard is a lie and that her husband did nothing wrong (even though we all know otherwise since we caught it all happening and have also caught him in lie upon lie). My sister has decided to believe it and move back.
The issue now at hand is that for one, he had planned on getting an apartment on his own with the kids and then leave my sister with no job and no car all alone. Two, this was my niece and nephew's first week of school and they are pulling them out yet again and making them go through this crap still. Third, putting them in the middle of this as it is anyways is making them destined to fail. Fourth, we may never see the kids ever again if their dad gets what he wants. This may be the last time we ever get to hug them. We made the best of what we could even though we didn't have much time at all. But my niece was crying her head off and didn't want to go.
It's times like these when I truly do wonder why our child died and they get to treat their children like toys and bargaining chips. They deserve so much more than what they get and they don't get much love and affection as it is. My sister and her husband only care about getting each other back and nailing the other into the ground. They don't love each other. They don't even truly love the kids it seems. They only care about themselves and what they think is rightfully theirs. The kids were extremely happy to start school and now that gets taken away from them. They don't even know what home is or what it feels like unless they are here. They have been completely content here and happy to be with their grandparents. Why take that away from them? How on earth is any of this in their best interest?
So, people are already asking, "How are you feeling about all of this?"
So here is my answer. I don't really know what all I feel at this moment because so much is happening right now that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want which means that my husband is no longer going to be my husband, and now my niece and nephew are taken away from us and we may never see them again. How am I feeling? I am angered, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, sorrowful, sorry, and broken. All of us are. We know that they don't deserve kids at all yet they are allowed to put them through the crappiest of situations for their own hatred's sake. We are gaining to feel more hatred towards them than ever possible. I already know that I am not going to be talking to my sister for a very very long time unless it's to talk to the kids.
But above all, maybe this is God's way of showing us that we need to be relying on Him for every single thing and situation that is possible to present itself. Maybe God is teaching us something through this as well as giving them over to their sins. I think me and my family have ultimately figured out that this is the time for constant prayer and communication. We need to pray that the kids will be safe and that one day, they will overcome these situations. Pray that they will one day fiind out about all of this and not hold anything against us. Ultimately, those kids are in dire need of prayer. They are the ones who are being drug through the mud. I also need to remember to pray for wisdom and discernment for not having such hatred towards them but to pray for their salvation. We don't know why all of this has been happening so all we can do is let them make their own decisions and hopefully one day learn from them if not die from them.
So please help me on this. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards them right now and it is not something that we should ever hold on to or it can be deadly. There is a time to hold on and then there is also a time to let go and let God handle it. This is that time.
The issue now at hand is that for one, he had planned on getting an apartment on his own with the kids and then leave my sister with no job and no car all alone. Two, this was my niece and nephew's first week of school and they are pulling them out yet again and making them go through this crap still. Third, putting them in the middle of this as it is anyways is making them destined to fail. Fourth, we may never see the kids ever again if their dad gets what he wants. This may be the last time we ever get to hug them. We made the best of what we could even though we didn't have much time at all. But my niece was crying her head off and didn't want to go.
It's times like these when I truly do wonder why our child died and they get to treat their children like toys and bargaining chips. They deserve so much more than what they get and they don't get much love and affection as it is. My sister and her husband only care about getting each other back and nailing the other into the ground. They don't love each other. They don't even truly love the kids it seems. They only care about themselves and what they think is rightfully theirs. The kids were extremely happy to start school and now that gets taken away from them. They don't even know what home is or what it feels like unless they are here. They have been completely content here and happy to be with their grandparents. Why take that away from them? How on earth is any of this in their best interest?
So, people are already asking, "How are you feeling about all of this?"
So here is my answer. I don't really know what all I feel at this moment because so much is happening right now that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want which means that my husband is no longer going to be my husband, and now my niece and nephew are taken away from us and we may never see them again. How am I feeling? I am angered, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, sorrowful, sorry, and broken. All of us are. We know that they don't deserve kids at all yet they are allowed to put them through the crappiest of situations for their own hatred's sake. We are gaining to feel more hatred towards them than ever possible. I already know that I am not going to be talking to my sister for a very very long time unless it's to talk to the kids.
But above all, maybe this is God's way of showing us that we need to be relying on Him for every single thing and situation that is possible to present itself. Maybe God is teaching us something through this as well as giving them over to their sins. I think me and my family have ultimately figured out that this is the time for constant prayer and communication. We need to pray that the kids will be safe and that one day, they will overcome these situations. Pray that they will one day fiind out about all of this and not hold anything against us. Ultimately, those kids are in dire need of prayer. They are the ones who are being drug through the mud. I also need to remember to pray for wisdom and discernment for not having such hatred towards them but to pray for their salvation. We don't know why all of this has been happening so all we can do is let them make their own decisions and hopefully one day learn from them if not die from them.
So please help me on this. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards them right now and it is not something that we should ever hold on to or it can be deadly. There is a time to hold on and then there is also a time to let go and let God handle it. This is that time.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
It's Time
Well, today was a rough day. I paid my lawyer whatever was left I owed, and I also told him to go ahead and file. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am hurt. I am confused. I am sad. I am strong, but then again this is a big step for me . . But a step in which direction? Is this going to change both of our relationships with our daughter that died? Is he going to forget her? Are we still going to be a family? All of those things kill me inside because he really has been wonderful lately about remembering our daughter in an extremely special way.
Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous.
But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(
Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous.
But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(
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