Here To Help

     I think I have put this out there before, but me and my mom are best friends. We have always been close, but when I got sick in school, that is what brought us closer. She has been through stuff that I was just going through and I do trust that that is one reason why God made her my mother. And for that I am truly grateful.
     Only she knew how I felt with having a constant migraine that was both nauseating and paralyzing. She knew the kind of fear I had that goes along with it. We both knew that I would hit more obstacles, but it would be her that helped get me through it. She would go out of her way to wake up in the middle of the night and heat my rice pack up for me if I needed it. She would be the one to hold my hair while I puked my guts out. She was the one who would stay with me in my room to help calm me down and stayed until I fell asleep.
     Some people will think, "Well, that's what mothers do. They take care of you." But in reality, my mother has gone above and beyond her calling. She would wait on me hand and foot if she felt like it. She would take care of me in a way that I had never experienced. Trust me, she took excellent care of me whenever I would get a fever or the flu, but this was something different. Something special.
     While the migraine situation has subsided a good bit, I have had many other situations come up because of my own actions. I have told her that I am doing my best to deal with them accordingly, but no one can really understand unless they have walked down that road as well. We have talked many times about the abusive situations and the cheating. The thing that she has told me is a small answer that speaks numbers to me. "I never would have dealt with that. You are so much stronger than I am." 
     To be quite honest, while I may seem strong to others for dealing with these issues, I do not feel strong at all. I feel helpless, wasteless, worthless, and at times almost nonexistant. I am only strong because I got myself into this situation in the first place and I know that I deserve it at times and that I need to just deal with it. But me? Strong? No. I find myself thinking that it is my mom who is the strong one. She has had to deal with both of her daughters going against everything they have been taught and watch them go down a destructive path where they encountered consequences that they never thought of. My mom has had to be strong to not cracked or break from feeling like a failure. Yet it was not she who failed us, it was us who failed her and dad.
     While living with them, I have felt like my old self again and it is very nice. I get to talk to mom more and keep close to her as we both strive to keep close to God. My mom is amazing in that aspect too, by the way. She does a Precept Bible study and it's wonderful to see her getting so excited to get deeper into the Bible. She is an inspiration thay I want to take after. Lately me, mom, and dad have all been having different discussions at niggt about the Bible and false teachers and such. I just love how I am a part of a family who knows better.
     Now, with that being said, my family is by no means perfect. We have had plenty of downfalls and situations where none of us liked each other. At one point I didn't even speak to my dad for two years. I knew that my parents relationship wasn't always the easiest and at one point I actually thought they were going to divorce. I don't always know the situations or problems, but I always know if something is wrong.
     Last night, my mom confided in me about something. She and dad are having problems and even though she wouldn't tell me what it was, I had a feeling I already knew. I knew because I had somewhat been in that situation, or at least I knew how she felt. While people may think that confiding in your daughter may be wrong, my mom wouldn't do it if she knew it was. We have been through so many things together that we understand each other so much and ask help from each other. Nothing big, of course. Mom has been having a rough time with her so called friends, and I am basically the only one she can really talk to who understands. From what I have seen, dad won't listen when problems arise. He normally tries to ignore it until it gets better or vanishes. I am like mom in the fact that I am emotional and cannot have anything on my conscience. Mom came to me for something and I tried to help her with it. Today she has taken necessary steps to help demolish one of their issues and I am so proud of her. It's hard. But I know that even though she needs to find good Christian friends, I am there when she needs me. She can't exactly say that of any of her friends. 
     So please keep my parents in your thoughts and prayers tonight. It's weighing heavily on my mom and she needs to be able to feel peace. But I know that when God is satisfied, He will give her that peace. 

.. And back again?

     A couple of days ago, I found out that my sister is in fact planning on coming back with the help of my dad. I will go ahead and admit that when I heard this, I was furious. I hate the fact that my poor niece and nephew have to be dragged around like ragdolls that don't mean anything. They have been through so much already and I am tired of them being treated like this. While I know that it's not good to live in a household knowing that your parents don't love each other and aren't nice to each other, but it's also not good to just ship them place to place handing them off to one another every other day.
     It has been confirmed that my brother in law has in fact had an affair with an 18 year old and also tried to get back together with her mother after she broke it off with him last year. But with that, we already knew it was true because that's just how he is. He is also still talking to my sister like crap too which hasn't changed either. So in all honesty, nothing has changed and I think she should stay where she is and deal with it. She knew what she was getting into and I even talked to her before she went back with him. But apparently she doesn't listen unless it's right in front of her and has already smacked her in the face with a brick. 
     I love my sister. I really do. But to go back like she did and wants out again for the exact same reason and instance, is just blowing my mind away. It really feels like no one truly cares for those kids except me, my estranged husband and my parents. My sister has been trying to hang her husband up to dry for a good while now and visa versa. All they care about is revenge and it is hurting the kids in the long run.
     Some may find me to be cruel. Some may find me to be feeling like any other person would. My sister has made her choices, so my concern is for my niece and nephew now.

Questions And Worries

     Alright, I am going to be honest, here. Since July 5, I could file for divorce. I still have some money to pay for the lawyer, which is okay by me. But I am still in a bind on whether it really is the right thing to do. 
     I have seen my husband change. (No, not just like that). He has become someone so different that I am honestly intrigued by him with the kind of person he was and who he has become. For a while there, he would be okay for maybe a week and then go back to his old tricks. But not this time. This is extremely different. I can not only see a change, but I can feel it. That's what hurts the most right now. I now know that he can treat me the way I need to be treated and spoken to, but I gave him a time limit and it is up. I just don't know if this really is the right thing to do or if we should stay married but separated. I feel like him changing his attitude is a bit of a sign but I don't know. I just wish I had definitive answers so I know what the right thing to do is. I don't want to live the rest of my life with regret. Marriage is nothing to take lightly, and I feel like I have not given it my best. 
     I feel like if he were to only get a job, that we could make it. I just want to know for sure. I love him with every fiber of my being. Is that bad of me?

Those nights.

     There are times in my life lately where I feel like I am trapped. Trapped by my own mind, that is. My depression has been under control for the most part but when I am stressed, it likes to cut loose. 
     Night time is the worst for it because I sit in bed and can't help but worry. I worry about what I need to do at work the next day. I worry about my marriage issues and whether I should really follow through with the separation. I miss my child. I also think too much about anything and everything.
     But lately, something else has been bothering me so bad that is has me constantly afraid. My mind has been playing tricks on me and making me think that my rapist is lurking about and still waiting to snatched me. I have nightmares, then I will wake up and see a dark figure in my room, thinking it's him. I am always afraid that he is around every corner watching me, following me, and waiting to hurt me or my family.
     I sometimes sleep with my bedroom door open because my parents are in the room across from me and it is like a security thing. But most of the time I sleep with my door closed because I am afraid that he will come in. If anyone even lightly touches my doorknob, I am normally awake, so if he were to try, I would wake up. I also close my closet door because I want to feel safe and secure, and to know that it is only me in my room. I am safe. I am secure. I am comfortable (enough). 
     This is the fear that I have lived with. After being raped, I had to watch my back as well as my family's and my boyfriend. It's one of those things that unless you know the specifics, you cannot imagine how it is to live each day like this. Each incident is horrible enough, but whatever went on, that person has to live with it forever. It is always in the back on their mind. Some people can overcome it, some can even push it to the back of their mind and leave it there as long as possible. Others don't know how to control it. I was one of the victims who tried to put it in the back of my mind for a whole year and I got sick enough from keeping it in that I couldn't deal with that pain anymore. People deal with it differently, but I wish I could have been stronger to speak up sooner.
     I am still afraid even after seven years. The idea of what could have happened is so frightening in itself that it makes my hair stand on end. I just want to be able to help other victims through their hard times and to be a helping hand in their healing process if it truly is possible. 

Recovery

     So I have been having severe ovarian pain for a good couple of months now. I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound but it didn't show anything, so they suggested doing laproscopic surgery just to see what all is going on and to try to figure out what is causing the pain. After some consideration, I said yes.
     I had to be at the hospital at 5:15 yesterday morning and then the surgery was at 7:15. The time flew by fast which made me even more nervous. I only got to see my family for a couple of minutes before they took me into the surgery room. My husband wanted to be there so I told him he could. 
     They got me onto the actual surgery table and put me on some "Happy IV medicine" to calm me down and drowse me out a bit. They gave me three to five doses of that and then gave me the mask to breathe in for the anesthetic. I counted to ten twice because Ai didn't think it was working. Needless to say, it did. 
     I felt like I wasn't asleep for hardly at all but I woke up pretty fast they said and was more alert than most patients are. Apparently they did not find anything wrong or what could be causing my ovarian pain, but they did see some scar tissue that they got out and might help. But they told me that I am to take it extremely easy for two weeks so no bending over and no heavy lifting of any sort. My boss is giving me until Tuesday so I get four days to recover enough to be able to go back to work.
     In some ways I feel like it was worthless. I am now in unnecessary pain since they didn't find anything. I wish they would have found at least something wrong so they could try to correct it and make me feel better than nothing at all. But i know that I will make it through this with everyone's help so I am trying to stay as positive as posssible. But for the time being, I am mainly trying to catch up on sleep. 
     I must admit that my husband has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. He has tended to my every need, helped me get up to the bathroom, slept beside me in case I needed to get up in the middle of the night or needed something. He has been absolutely wonderful. He has never been like this and I am so thankful for him right now even with being separated. He has gone above and beyond to help me through this. I never expected this to come from him. So I'm very thankful and humbled by this right now.
     Oh, by the way, Happy Independence Day to everyone! Stay safe at the fairs and watching fireworks. Watch some good ones for me. Remember all of our military on this most special of days. We wouldn't be here without them.

Helping Others

     There are some days where I feel like everything I have been through is a curse and a burden to bring me down. On other days it helps me remember that the worst is hopefully behind me and I have my future to look forward to. But then there are other days where I am so stressed and worn down from other situations that I need reminding of the amazing power of God's healing hand. 
     I have always heard the saying that says sometimes the most beautiful things come from bad circumstances and situations, but I didn't really think that way. That is, until I have been able to help people. No matter what it is in life that people are going through, whether it be dealing with rape, the coping with the loss of a child, or having the burden of being abused; I always try to offer a shoulder to cry on, or even just lending my ears to listen to them venting about what's going on in their life. It's one of those things where I know that God can use me even when I have been broken so many times.
     No matter what kind of situation you have been in or what has happened to you, God can still use you. Sometimes the hardships and horrible things that have happened in our lives can become something so beautiful, if we are willing to see it that way. Ever since I have had to deal with everything, I have helped so many people through similar situations. I have put my insight as well as my wisdom from my experiences. Yes, everyone has diff err entry experiences, but that does not mean that it cannot be helpful in a different way. 
     I pray that through anything that happens whether good or bad, that God will use those things to show you that He IS God and He will work everything together for good. If you love God, let Him use you to help shine His light on others that they may see His wonders and abundant grace. To God be the glory, through trials, through triumphs, and through what is yet to be determined. 

Strength

     For people who have read my posts, you know that I have been through certain things, and even more that I have not thought to post out here. Even with being abused, lied to, bullied, having lost a child, and been though illness after illness; I have never lost my character of compassion, care, love, sympathy, empathy, or anything else. For a while there when I was still living with my husband, I had become bitter. I became extremely bitter to the point of lashing out at him because that's what he has shown me all those years and same with his family. I became the kind of company I had lived with. I finally realized this one day and I didn't want to be that person anymore. I would always want to go to my parents house so I could be around a family filled with love. Yes, we have our own problems and flaws, but we have never let that stop us from being the kind of family God wanted us to be. We have been redeemed by His blood and we carry our sins and burdens to the foot of the cross often.
     It has been 11 months since I decided that the best thing to do was file for divorce. After my husband got out of jail for the suspended license issues, he came out a changed man since I had told him of my intentions. Since that September, he has only let his anger get to him once with me. He had completely changed his attitude towards me and has grown a heart that wants to be tender and loving. He has also spent more time with my family and I think it has helped in the long run because all his family does is curse and fight, mainly with his dad. This is an important step for my husband to be able to grow into the man I know he can be. He had somewhat tried more with trying to get a job, but nothing has happened in that department. I told him that he has until July when I can file to get a job and prove to me that he can do it, or I file since I truly have no other option. I have thought about staying separated but married, but with that we wouldn't be talking and I know he would just find another girl. That's what he does. So if he did that, I would definitely file for divorce on grounds of adultery if I were to have enough proof.
     So even though he has hurt me physically and emotionally and mentally, I have been able to get through and overcome it. I have become the person on top to be able to overcome such an obstacle and not let it change me into a person who has nothing to lose. I am letting my situations be a beacon for those who need help. I am here to help anyone who needs it since I know what they have gone through or are currently going through. But this is the kind of person I am. I am an extremely compassionate person who wants to help anyone who comes in my life. God was gracious enough to give me a mother who passed that on to me. I don't see it as weakness, but as a strength like no other. It's Christ's strength in me that has helped me through everything. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, this is true. My God has supplied for all my needs so that I can be able to help others see that.
     That is how I am different from other people. Even with being hurt so much, I am never the kind of person to reciprocate that feeling. This is the strength I have and the kind I want to see everyone else have as well. We are all capable, but are we all willing to do what is necessary to be that way?