For many years now, I have dreamed of being a mom. I knew when I was young that I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a godly wife and to be blessed with raising beautiful children and teaching them to love the Lord. This has been my wish and want, but now it has become my plea and my hope.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A Continual Journey Update
It has been quite some time since my last post. But I figured I would come back and start with an update.
The pelvic pain got bad enough to where I needed to look for more answers. My doctor suggested going to a specialist. Then the he told me that he thought the best thing for me would be physical therapy. I thought he was making a mistake by suggesting that for my kind of problem. How in the world could that help? Well, it did! I have been free of that pain for a whole year! I have started to feel the pain again, but I know how to keep doing the exercises that the therapist taught me. And maybe this time, I will continue to do them so my muscles can keep getting stronger.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
A Continual Journey
Sometimes it seems like when you think you have your life under control, you find out in some way or another that you don't. It doesn't take a lot to bring you down a step or two from where you have been and what you have been striving for.
For a couple of years now, I have been having what was thought to be ovarian cyst pain, but lately the pain has gotten a lot worse. I went to my doctor last year and he couldn't see anything Gynecologically wrong but decided to do laproscopic surgery just to make sure. The only thing he saw during that was scar tissue from my major abdominal surgery back in 2009. They had taken a good bit of that down but it didn't work. A year after the surgery (just a month ago), I went back to see him since the pain was getting worse. They did another ultrasound which was excruciating in and of itself, but resulted in no findings.
My doctor had been thinking all along that this wasn't a GYN issue, so he referred me to a general surgeon to see what he could come up with. This doctor was not very personal until he started to read what all the surgeons had to do to help stitch me up in 2009 from my suicide attempt. He kept silent while reading for a good 10 plus minutes. He said that things were quite extensive and that I am very lucky to be alive through such an ordeal let alone all the work they had to do to fix me. But even with that, he believed my explanations to questions were returning him back to the Gynecological aspect.
So I went back to him and he told me that he really didn't know where else to go from here except to refer me to a Pelvic Pain Specialist. He said that if anything doesn't fit into his category of help, then this person is the next person to go to. I have an appointment with this doctor in a month.
My pain has been so excruciating for the past week or two that I burst into tears while my parents and I were out at dinner and I was even about to ask them to take me to the ER. I know that I can't get time off from work right now that that's not a good idea so I have tried to bear it as best as I can.
Then today came around. I have held on to this pain to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. My body feels like it's giving up and cracking down. I can feel it breaking down on me. I can't hold a lot in my bladder without busting. I want food but when I go to get some, it's like my body is saying that it's so tired that it take anything right now. Today, even getting out of bed was a chore. I feel like a part of my life force has been drained from my body. All I can do is crawl into a fetal position and stay there until I fall asleep if I can even sleep that night. I am just so exhausted that I have even been forgetting things at work. I have to redo things a couple times over just to make sure I did it right. My body is breaking and there's nothing I can really do about it for a whole month. But I know that God is still good. He is with me even if I do go down a couple of notched from where I was. This is just a continuous fighting battle that I know I cannot win on my own. But with God, all things are possible and only He can give me peace.
For a couple of years now, I have been having what was thought to be ovarian cyst pain, but lately the pain has gotten a lot worse. I went to my doctor last year and he couldn't see anything Gynecologically wrong but decided to do laproscopic surgery just to make sure. The only thing he saw during that was scar tissue from my major abdominal surgery back in 2009. They had taken a good bit of that down but it didn't work. A year after the surgery (just a month ago), I went back to see him since the pain was getting worse. They did another ultrasound which was excruciating in and of itself, but resulted in no findings.
My doctor had been thinking all along that this wasn't a GYN issue, so he referred me to a general surgeon to see what he could come up with. This doctor was not very personal until he started to read what all the surgeons had to do to help stitch me up in 2009 from my suicide attempt. He kept silent while reading for a good 10 plus minutes. He said that things were quite extensive and that I am very lucky to be alive through such an ordeal let alone all the work they had to do to fix me. But even with that, he believed my explanations to questions were returning him back to the Gynecological aspect.
So I went back to him and he told me that he really didn't know where else to go from here except to refer me to a Pelvic Pain Specialist. He said that if anything doesn't fit into his category of help, then this person is the next person to go to. I have an appointment with this doctor in a month.
My pain has been so excruciating for the past week or two that I burst into tears while my parents and I were out at dinner and I was even about to ask them to take me to the ER. I know that I can't get time off from work right now that that's not a good idea so I have tried to bear it as best as I can.
Then today came around. I have held on to this pain to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. My body feels like it's giving up and cracking down. I can feel it breaking down on me. I can't hold a lot in my bladder without busting. I want food but when I go to get some, it's like my body is saying that it's so tired that it take anything right now. Today, even getting out of bed was a chore. I feel like a part of my life force has been drained from my body. All I can do is crawl into a fetal position and stay there until I fall asleep if I can even sleep that night. I am just so exhausted that I have even been forgetting things at work. I have to redo things a couple times over just to make sure I did it right. My body is breaking and there's nothing I can really do about it for a whole month. But I know that God is still good. He is with me even if I do go down a couple of notched from where I was. This is just a continuous fighting battle that I know I cannot win on my own. But with God, all things are possible and only He can give me peace.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Finally Getting Somewhere
I have not felt like writing much lately because I have needed to deal with things on my own. But I have gotten to a good point in life that I never thought would be possible.
Sometime last week, I got curious and decided to look up my ex fiancee and see how he is doing. He had posted a picture of his girlfriend on top of his truck and you know what? I was truly happy to see him happy. That was the first time I didn't cry when I saw his picture or him with his girlfriend. he had finally forgiven me in August for everything that I had done and that weight was off my shoulders. But the main issue was me learning to forgive myself.
When you can see a picture of your ex with someone else and you smile, you know you have come a long way. Forgiving myself seriously has been the hardest part but I am getting there. I have made a lot of progress and that means a great deal to me. I feel like I can finally live my life and not drown myself in my past mistakes. I still love him very very much, and I know I always will. But I can look at him and be happy to see him happy. :) I love that man with all my heart and now I can be thankful that he has found someone who can make him just as happy as we used to be. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be truly happy again. And while it pained me to see that he was on the healing track, I am so glad he isn't hurting and isn't letting the past get in his way.
Sometime last week, I got curious and decided to look up my ex fiancee and see how he is doing. He had posted a picture of his girlfriend on top of his truck and you know what? I was truly happy to see him happy. That was the first time I didn't cry when I saw his picture or him with his girlfriend. he had finally forgiven me in August for everything that I had done and that weight was off my shoulders. But the main issue was me learning to forgive myself.
When you can see a picture of your ex with someone else and you smile, you know you have come a long way. Forgiving myself seriously has been the hardest part but I am getting there. I have made a lot of progress and that means a great deal to me. I feel like I can finally live my life and not drown myself in my past mistakes. I still love him very very much, and I know I always will. But I can look at him and be happy to see him happy. :) I love that man with all my heart and now I can be thankful that he has found someone who can make him just as happy as we used to be. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be truly happy again. And while it pained me to see that he was on the healing track, I am so glad he isn't hurting and isn't letting the past get in his way.
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Real 50 Shades
Just to start off, I was hoping not to do a blog on this certain topic since it is so touchy. It makes me I'll just thinking about it. But since it is what all the hoopla is about, I shall put forth my very humble and just opinion on it.
Everyone has heard of the "erotic" book turned movie 50 Shades Of Grey, specially since it came out over Valentine's Day weekend. The first time I had heard of it was when my sister had gotten the books to review and she wanted me to know what all the hype was about. Me, however, I just wanted to cleanse myself from all of the sinful behavior and lust that was occurring even in the short passages she read me. I tried to brush it off of my shoulder after that.
That was a couple of years ago. But then I heard that they were making it into a movie. Okay, that's even more nauseating. A porn book made into a movie with ONLY an R rating. That means that 17 year olds can see this without a parent present. How disastrous is that idea, ladies and gentlemen? A movie about lust, coveting, mananipulation, and fear ... but the main female finds that to be attractive somehow.
I have not, I repeat, I have NOT read the books nor have I seen the movie. I have, however, read some excerpts. The ones I had read, made me so nauseous and so shook up because it reminded me of the way I was abused by my former husband. The anger, the manipulation, the fear. how is that a love story?
To answer that last question, it isn't. The two main characters lust after each other and have premarital sex WAY before they even fall in love. A love story is supposed to consist more of the love chemistry between two characters and what they have to go through, not about the details before it happens like this.
Then there is the issue of BDSM. For those of you who do not know, that stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism." Now, to the contrary of what most people think; this is not just a kinky way to have sex. It is a lifestyle That spreads beyond the closed doors of the bedroom. It lurks into every aspect of people's lives and diminishes who they are. People get hooked so quick that that is who they become. Then the abuse goes further.
I know. I know. Some of you are thinking that sex play is not abuse. But what you have to understand is that they go hand in hand on this one. On one side, you have someone who is a willing participant. On the other, you have someone who is not. Other than that, the is no difference. The poor treatment is the same and the sinful nature and satanic lifestyle is the same.
I have even had some "Christian" friends going to see it not just once, but multiple times! I employ you to think for a second here. If you can read these kinds of porn a graphic books and watch the movies with a clean conscience and with no conviction of the Holy Spirit, I think God is the One who needs your full and undivided attention. If you can watch those things and not be disgusted or nauseated without crying afterward and begging for God to wipe that away from His sight, you need to rethink your relationship with God and get on track. For those movies are certainly far from what God deems good and acceptable in ANY person's life, Christian or not.
Everyone has heard of the "erotic" book turned movie 50 Shades Of Grey, specially since it came out over Valentine's Day weekend. The first time I had heard of it was when my sister had gotten the books to review and she wanted me to know what all the hype was about. Me, however, I just wanted to cleanse myself from all of the sinful behavior and lust that was occurring even in the short passages she read me. I tried to brush it off of my shoulder after that.
That was a couple of years ago. But then I heard that they were making it into a movie. Okay, that's even more nauseating. A porn book made into a movie with ONLY an R rating. That means that 17 year olds can see this without a parent present. How disastrous is that idea, ladies and gentlemen? A movie about lust, coveting, mananipulation, and fear ... but the main female finds that to be attractive somehow.
I have not, I repeat, I have NOT read the books nor have I seen the movie. I have, however, read some excerpts. The ones I had read, made me so nauseous and so shook up because it reminded me of the way I was abused by my former husband. The anger, the manipulation, the fear. how is that a love story?
To answer that last question, it isn't. The two main characters lust after each other and have premarital sex WAY before they even fall in love. A love story is supposed to consist more of the love chemistry between two characters and what they have to go through, not about the details before it happens like this.
Then there is the issue of BDSM. For those of you who do not know, that stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism." Now, to the contrary of what most people think; this is not just a kinky way to have sex. It is a lifestyle That spreads beyond the closed doors of the bedroom. It lurks into every aspect of people's lives and diminishes who they are. People get hooked so quick that that is who they become. Then the abuse goes further.
I know. I know. Some of you are thinking that sex play is not abuse. But what you have to understand is that they go hand in hand on this one. On one side, you have someone who is a willing participant. On the other, you have someone who is not. Other than that, the is no difference. The poor treatment is the same and the sinful nature and satanic lifestyle is the same.
I have even had some "Christian" friends going to see it not just once, but multiple times! I employ you to think for a second here. If you can read these kinds of porn a graphic books and watch the movies with a clean conscience and with no conviction of the Holy Spirit, I think God is the One who needs your full and undivided attention. If you can watch those things and not be disgusted or nauseated without crying afterward and begging for God to wipe that away from His sight, you need to rethink your relationship with God and get on track. For those movies are certainly far from what God deems good and acceptable in ANY person's life, Christian or not.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Update For The New Year
I know I haven't put anything on here in a while, but I have been going through a lot. Things have been hard but God's goodness and love remains. Only He knows the full extent to all situations as well as the outcome. But for all involved, the journey is still a lot to bear.
To start off, the divorce was finalized November 13, 2014. I didn't get my papers then but my ex spouse did and I was a complete wreck for about a week. After that, I felt like crying it out helped. I had tried to see things in a new light and a new way to be able to change my life for God's glory. But it has proven to be a difficult process to get through. I knew I would have regrets and consequences either way, but I never realized it would be this bad because my love for him still stands. It is greater noW than it ever has been. We are getting along so much better now than we ever have been and we are actually friends now. We are finally getting to a point of reconciling and apologizing and learning to get through the issues we had.
One day my sister messaged him and decided to butt into our business. Actually, it was more like telling how our marriage or relationship is her business and that her opinion matters. She had told him that I can't divorce him and that I was treating him like crap because of it and that I am horrible. Let's just say she was very mad when he told her that we were already divorced. I even decided to relay a message that was not so nice. While she is my sister, she needs to stop worrying or butting into my business when she has her own issues to deal with. Going back to an abusive cheater and moving your two children on a whim every couple of months isn't exactly making parent of the year.
Now, that makes me come to my next issue. My sister is pregnant again. Her husband decided that he wants nothing to do with this one and that she should get an abortion because he isn't going to take care of the child or pay a cent for him/her. He claims she cheated on him before he came back to get her (she definitely didn't). So after a while of him acting like this towards her, she decides that this is it. She needs to get out. Me, knowing how she doesn't really know what she wants, knew she wasn't really serious. but after a tiny while, my dad and my ex husband went to get her and the kids. The kids got enrolled in school here again and everything. My sister even talked to a lawyer at the law firm that I used in my dicorce About custody situations. He told her about a couple of things and that if she went back to her husband, they would more than likely lose the kids.
Needless to say, my sister didn't take any of that seriously and her attitude changed just two days later. My brother-in-law had appealed the originally custody case in December, so the appeal case was a week after she got here. Well, she and the kids spent all day with him on Monday and even spent the night with him at my grandma's. Court was on Tuesday. Me and my ex waited for the kids to get off the bus from school, but they weren't on the bus. Right then was the moment I knew that they were planning to leave again. Only a week after my dad spent a fortune going up to Pennsylvania and bringing them back, she lies to all of us and goes back yet again. But before they left, my niece and I had a moment. She came into my room to say good bye, so I held her hands and told her that I was so sorry that they keep doing this to them. I also told her that I would keep them if I could. The tears came hard and heavy and I told her that I loved them so much and hugged her. Then she began to cry with me. I cuffed her face and told her that she was still my niece and that I loved her so so much. The hurt in her eyes was so great, it broke my heart. Those kids have been through so much and they do not at such a young age. They don't deserve to be treated like luggage or leverage. It's inhumane.
So now that this has happened again, my parents are filing for custody of the kids. My sister and her husband do not deserve those kids. They need to be in a stable and healthy enviroment. They need to be in a loving and warm home. So that is now underway and we are praying that God will allow us to be able to take care of those kids and bring them up in a healthy Godly home. So please pray for this situation as it unfolds.
To start off, the divorce was finalized November 13, 2014. I didn't get my papers then but my ex spouse did and I was a complete wreck for about a week. After that, I felt like crying it out helped. I had tried to see things in a new light and a new way to be able to change my life for God's glory. But it has proven to be a difficult process to get through. I knew I would have regrets and consequences either way, but I never realized it would be this bad because my love for him still stands. It is greater noW than it ever has been. We are getting along so much better now than we ever have been and we are actually friends now. We are finally getting to a point of reconciling and apologizing and learning to get through the issues we had.
One day my sister messaged him and decided to butt into our business. Actually, it was more like telling how our marriage or relationship is her business and that her opinion matters. She had told him that I can't divorce him and that I was treating him like crap because of it and that I am horrible. Let's just say she was very mad when he told her that we were already divorced. I even decided to relay a message that was not so nice. While she is my sister, she needs to stop worrying or butting into my business when she has her own issues to deal with. Going back to an abusive cheater and moving your two children on a whim every couple of months isn't exactly making parent of the year.
Now, that makes me come to my next issue. My sister is pregnant again. Her husband decided that he wants nothing to do with this one and that she should get an abortion because he isn't going to take care of the child or pay a cent for him/her. He claims she cheated on him before he came back to get her (she definitely didn't). So after a while of him acting like this towards her, she decides that this is it. She needs to get out. Me, knowing how she doesn't really know what she wants, knew she wasn't really serious. but after a tiny while, my dad and my ex husband went to get her and the kids. The kids got enrolled in school here again and everything. My sister even talked to a lawyer at the law firm that I used in my dicorce About custody situations. He told her about a couple of things and that if she went back to her husband, they would more than likely lose the kids.
Needless to say, my sister didn't take any of that seriously and her attitude changed just two days later. My brother-in-law had appealed the originally custody case in December, so the appeal case was a week after she got here. Well, she and the kids spent all day with him on Monday and even spent the night with him at my grandma's. Court was on Tuesday. Me and my ex waited for the kids to get off the bus from school, but they weren't on the bus. Right then was the moment I knew that they were planning to leave again. Only a week after my dad spent a fortune going up to Pennsylvania and bringing them back, she lies to all of us and goes back yet again. But before they left, my niece and I had a moment. She came into my room to say good bye, so I held her hands and told her that I was so sorry that they keep doing this to them. I also told her that I would keep them if I could. The tears came hard and heavy and I told her that I loved them so much and hugged her. Then she began to cry with me. I cuffed her face and told her that she was still my niece and that I loved her so so much. The hurt in her eyes was so great, it broke my heart. Those kids have been through so much and they do not at such a young age. They don't deserve to be treated like luggage or leverage. It's inhumane.
So now that this has happened again, my parents are filing for custody of the kids. My sister and her husband do not deserve those kids. They need to be in a stable and healthy enviroment. They need to be in a loving and warm home. So that is now underway and we are praying that God will allow us to be able to take care of those kids and bring them up in a healthy Godly home. So please pray for this situation as it unfolds.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Too Many Thoughts.
I am not normally a negetive Nancy, but something has just been driving me insane lately. My husband got his divorce papers last week. I am nervous and emotional wreck. That's to be expected of anyone getting a divorce. I would sure hope nobody would be happy about getting a divorce even if it's to a bad person.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
But lately, I have so many friends that have gotten engaged and married that I feel like I am slipping under another rock of defeat. While it was our own decision, we never had a wedding. I never got to have the friends and family congratulatory party. No one was happy about it. Truthfully, I wasn't really happy about it. But I want that chance to be able to walk down the isle in a beautiful white wedding dress with my dad and be given away to an amzing and Godly man.
I know that I am young and I still have plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, but that doesn't change the fact that I should have done it right in the first place. I am at a very low point right now where I don't exactly know where God wants me in life. And with that, I feel extremely lost. I just pray that God will give me another opportunity to do the right thing in the right way and bless me for it.
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