Yet Again

     It seems like as of recently, life has been throwing some hardballs that I can never seem to catch. Today actually hit me. Well, it hit all of us, harder than we would have expected. After my sister got off work, we saw that my brother in law was outside. I was in my room with my husband trying to talk out some issues with the divorce and letting him speak up about his dislike for it (as well as I), when I heard my dad ask my sister what exactly was going on and that they needed to talk .. NOW. I went into the hallway and asked dad what was going on. All he could do is pace and tell me that he didn't know but that it wasn't good. Then we heard my sister and her husband packing things into tubs and load them into his truck. They were leaving yet again for Pennsylvania along with the kids and the kittens that I had been taking care of since she moved back. Apparently, my sister's mother in law has tried to get in touch with her to let her know that everything she has heard is a lie and that her husband did nothing wrong (even though we all know otherwise since we caught it all happening and have also caught him in lie upon lie). My sister has decided to believe it and move back.
     The issue now at hand is that for one, he had planned on getting an apartment on his own with the kids and then leave my sister with no job and no car all alone. Two, this was my niece and nephew's first week of school and they are pulling them out yet again and making them go through this crap still. Third, putting them in the middle of this as it is anyways is making them destined to fail. Fourth, we may never see the kids ever again if their dad gets what he wants. This may be the last time we ever get to hug them. We made the best of what we could even though we didn't have much time at all. But my niece was crying her head off and didn't want to go.
     It's times like these when I truly do wonder why our child died and they get to treat their children like toys and bargaining chips. They deserve so much more than what they get and they don't get much love and affection as it is. My sister and her husband only care about getting each other back and nailing the other into the ground. They don't love each other. They don't even truly love the kids it seems. They only care about themselves and what they think is rightfully theirs. The kids were extremely happy to start school and now that gets taken away from them. They don't even know what home is or what it feels like unless they are here. They have been completely content here and happy to be with their grandparents. Why take that away from them? How on earth is any of this in their best interest?
     So, people are already asking, "How are you feeling about all of this?"
     So here is my answer. I don't really know what all I feel at this moment because so much is happening right now that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want which means that my husband is no longer going to be my husband, and now my niece and nephew are taken away from us and we may never see them again. How am I feeling? I am angered, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, sorrowful, sorry, and broken. All of us are. We know that they don't deserve kids at all yet they are allowed to put them through the crappiest of situations for their own hatred's sake. We are gaining to feel more hatred towards them than ever possible. I already know that I am not going to be talking to my sister for a very very long time unless it's to talk to the kids.
     But above all, maybe this is God's way of showing us that we need to be relying on Him for every single thing and situation that is possible to present itself. Maybe God is teaching us something through this as well as giving them over to their sins. I think me and my family have ultimately figured out that this is the time for constant prayer and communication. We need to pray that the kids will be safe and that one day, they will overcome these situations. Pray that they will one day fiind out about all of this and not hold anything against us. Ultimately, those kids are in dire need of prayer. They are the ones who are being drug through the mud. I also need to remember to pray for wisdom and discernment for not having such hatred towards them but to pray for their salvation. We don't know why all of this has been happening so all we can do is let them make their own decisions and hopefully one day learn from them if not die from them.
     So please help me on this. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards them right now and it is not something that we should ever hold on to or it can be deadly. There is a time to hold on and then there is also a time to let go and let God handle it. This is that time. 

It's Time

     Well, today was a rough day. I paid my lawyer whatever was left I owed, and I also told him to go ahead and file. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am hurt. I am confused. I am sad. I am strong, but then again this is a big step for me . . But a step in which direction? Is this going to change both of our relationships with our daughter that died? Is he going to forget her? Are we still going to be a family? All of those things kill me inside because he really has been wonderful lately about remembering our daughter in an extremely special way. 
     Is this going to change me as a person? I already know that it will. It's already changing my feelings about a couple of things and I hate it. I have gained weight just because I am so nervous. 
     But I officially cannot stop it now. It's going to go to the judge to be signed whether or not he agrees to sign it. I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit that I can't get out of. I feel like I'm drowning and at the same time watching myself drown. I just want the confusion and pain to stop. :'(