"Don't come back." . . . Those are three of the hardest words I have ever had to say.
The feeling you have when you are so confident in needing to say it is not too bad except feeling nauseous because you know you don't want to do it. On the other hand, the feeling you have after you say is a lot more devestating. It leaves you feeling empty and numb as first where you don't know how to feel. After a couple of days, the tears finally show up. You try to keep as busy and focused as possible at work but your eyes water a good couple of times. You may even need to excuse yourself so you can cry to yourself in the bathroom so no one will see you and ask if you are okay. When you get home, you try so hard to not let your parents see how hurt you are so they can just assume you are okay. But then later at night, you just ... burst.
My daughter is dead and now I had to say good-bye to her father. The guy I have loved for almost 8 years. The man who hurt me, cheated on me, bashed me, and made me feel as worthless as possible; yet he also made me love our daughter so much more, gave us both a way to cope with her loss, made me love him more just by watching him play with other kids, made me question whether I gave up too soon on our marriage or not, and made me fall in love with him even more afterwards. That toxic relationship we had could not be covered even if we both tried. No relationship is easy but ours never was .. not even a little bit. I was too serious, he was too immature. I was too territorial, he was a cheater. I assumed things instead of asking about them, he had anger issues that escalated quickly and fiercely. I wanted a place of our own, he was comfortable staying with his parents. I wanted to be financially stable, he wanted to spend money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. I worked all but one year because of health issues, he worked for only one year other than the Marine Corps reserves. I wanted loyal love and affection, he wanted sex and fun. I wanted Christ, he wanted his own life to live. I wanted closeness, he wanted adventure. I wanted encouragement, he wanted someone to stroke his ego. I wanted to be responsible, he wanted to play. I made ultimatums, he didn't care. I was hurting, he was angry.
Our life was not easy and that was both of our faults. He had major issues that were obvious when mine were ones that I didn't even notice until after the divorce when we were actually able to calmly talk about our problems. Little by little, I tried to change my way of thinking and how I reacted to things and how I communicated. He changed drastically after getting out of jail and I saw a difference from the start. I made sure I told him of how proud I was of him and tried to encourage him to keep it up. He got me to laugh more and to not be as serious. He showed me love like I had wished for our whole marriage and I fell in love with him more deeply than I ever thought possible of someone who had hurt me so bad in so many ways. We wwre happy, even if we were just friends and trying to figure out what was what.
While most things seem like they had vanished and blossoms sprouted, there were some cases where I could tell that he still had anger inside of him. His road rage was still to the point where I was afraid to be in the vehicle with him, he almost threw one of his dad's oxygen tanks at his mom, and he was slowly becomin controling again here and there.
And then there was me. I had told myself that we couldn't be together again, but I wanted to still be here for him and help him become the man I knew he could be. So we stayed in contact. He and another woman grew to be even closer friends and at first I didn't care, but knowing how Bobby still loved me and I him, it made me remember even more that this woman had tried to interfere even when we were still married. I dispised her for a while but now it was clear that even though I still had his heart, she was going to put it in my face. But then again, he let her. He was starting to lie to me all over again and I tried to hide my hurt and anger, but I couldn't. We didn't talk for a little while and then we were fine after I had to get over the fact that he was going to allow others to cause problems for us whether it be as friends or more. He wouldn't stand up for me and our relationship except to say to get over it .. on both her side as well as mine. He would still do things with her that he would normally only do with me, but I knew I had to deal with it and get over it. I knew something was going on between them but he would still deny it to this day. She had a daughter that he was doting on more than he should have, but I had to cringe and bear it. He was taking her trick or treating, bringing her soup when she was sick, and making her a Christmas stocking .... and I was made to sit on the sidelines and bawl my eyes out because she has a living daughter that he can be around while the child that we concieved together is dead. My hands and arms are empty while he had someone to hug and to share those memories with. That made it all hurt so much more.
After some time, I would push a bit and she and I both had enough. She knew that he loved me and that she would finally back off, even though she didn't know how to for a while. But things ended fine right before Christmas and she and I even apologized for our behaviors. Bobby and I had gotten even better after that.
But things still didn't always feel right when he really wanted me to do something. He would push things to the point where I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to stay home and be by myself. But within the last week or two, it seems like he stayed angry and stressed all the time again. But this time, that I know of, it wasn't my fault.
And then Friday night came and that's where I had to call it quits. I had told him after we kept close that if he treated me like he used to, I was going to have to let him go and he would have to let me walk out of his life. Friday night was that unfortunate time. When you are being called every horrid name that you should never ever be called for any reason, you know you need to leave. I was called the "B" word and the"C" word with plenty of "F"s mixed all around them. I had lived like that before and I didn't plan on doing it again. I know that some people will find that hard to swallow, but the reality is that some people actually do have this kind of vocabulary.
I love Bobby more than I can even explain and I am crying my eyes out just typing this. I truly do love him with all my heart, more than I ever thought possible. But I know that we are not meant to be together for many reasons. We both have someone out there who were made for us specifically. It hurts to know that after all of these years, I have to hurt some more and have such heartache. I don't have my daughter to love on, and now I no longer have her dad to hug or cry on either. Our family is officially broken and it hurts so bad. I am on my own and I am alone. And I don't know how to deal with such sorrow and loss when my heart loves them and wants us to be a family so much.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Friday, June 30, 2017
Falling Back
Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel like you are moving backward in life instead of forward? Have you felt like you have made progress to heal from something but you end up doing something or putting yourself in a position where you might get hurt again and it will undo everything you have been working towards? Tonight is tge night where I have come to that realization. Tonight is a night where I realize that I keep putting myself in bad spots and don't trust on the Lord for what is best for me. I have still loved my ex husband, and we have kept in contact and even thought about trying again. I tried to ignore that idea and just brush it off but I knew deep down that I still loved him and didn't really know how to let go of him. He is the only thing I have left of our daughter. We have gone through so much to just cut contact and everything. These are excuses I made while he made the excuses of "we have been through worse and the worst is over now" kind of thing as well as the idea that love should be enough. But tonight brought back so many emotions and things from the past that were not dead and gone, but were just buried right underneath the surface.
There is a volleyball game out of town that he was going to go to that he wanted me to go to too. He has to be there early in the morning and told me that I should probably gather together some clothes for tomorrow since I would be spending the night. I told him that I wasn't going to be spending the night but that I could just get up early and then meet him at his house and go from there. He came over to my house a little bit after getting off the phone and tried to get me to go back to his house with him. I still told him no and he explained that it would just be easier on both of us if I stayed the night. I still told him no. At this point, I paused. I decided to then tell him something that my dad had just said not too long before he came over to the house. My parents and I had been watching a show together when we couldn't find the remote. I said that I didn't have the controler and my dad commented something that was rough to realize, but true. He said, "But I thought (ex husband) had it". I told my ex about that and he got mad and stormed off after/while still verbally letting me know how unhappy he was. So he drove off a little after 10:10pm.
Not too long passed before he starts calling me left and right and texting me, cursing at me, and calling me names and wanting an apology. He called a grand total of 55 times from 10:12pm-11:41pm (but of course, "he" isnt the controlling one, "I" am) ... In between that time, he texted .. a lot. He also messaged me on social media and stupid me decided to answer back. I told him that I wasn't going to have any of his attitude, so I blocked him from messaging me there too. He called my dad once. Then he threatens to come back over to the house so we can finish our conversation if I don't pick up the phone. Well, I didn't pick up the phone and I had blocked his number from fullish calling through.
My parents and I were still in the living room talking and my dad suggested that my mom and I get a hotel room so he can't bother us. He also suggested turning all the lights out in case he did come over. So in the dark, I gathered something from my purse and sure enough, my ex parked right across from our driveway. We all just sat down on the couches and chairs and tried to be quiet. I am literally in my chair in a fetal position .. crying. My heart is racing and I am silently praying that God would keep us safe and that he would leave us alone. I think it was maybe 10-15 minutes before he finally gave up, I'm not sure. But I was scared that whole time and trying not to breathe or make a sound. At one point I was still crying and I apologized to my parents for putting them through this yet again. I feel like I am no better than my sister at going back to somwthing she insists that she wouldn't go back to. But tonight has shaken me up enough that I am sleeping on the floor in my parents room.
This is what life was like before he changed. This is what I had to endure every time we had an argument and I wanted to go inside and be left alone for a bit. This is how I always lived through our marriage .. scared, walking on eggshells, and knowing that he can't take no for an answer even over the smallest of things. How do you deal with someone who calls you every name in the book and tells you that you are the problem when all you did was say no to something he is known to be very persistent about? It's either say yes, or he guilt trips you into saying yes. It's a lose lose situation. What can you do? How much more can you take? How many more excuses would you make up this time? How have you been able to put yourself in this position yet again? WHY did you put yourself in this situation yet again? Will I ever be free of this worry and hurt? Why have I disobeyed God yet again? Will I ever be able to truly have a clean slate and not look back? Why do I keep failing God as well as my family?
I need to stop hiding in my past and in my worries. What I need to do is to start preparing for my future and what God has in store for me. I need to repent and sin no more. I need fill my life with His everlasting love and let that fill my soul, not someone else. I need to set aside things that will hinder my relationship with Him. I have been trying to stomp that out because I love my ex and I have not been ready to fully let go yet. But I have failed miserably at hiding my excuses. I thought love was enough to help encourage him to become a better man as well as my understanding how to communicate better and all. But while you can try to help someone change, Christ is the only one who can BE that change.
I know I have let people down by admitting all of this, and I truly am sorry. I never intended to do that. I hope I am not looked at differently because of how I struggle with certain things.
There is a volleyball game out of town that he was going to go to that he wanted me to go to too. He has to be there early in the morning and told me that I should probably gather together some clothes for tomorrow since I would be spending the night. I told him that I wasn't going to be spending the night but that I could just get up early and then meet him at his house and go from there. He came over to my house a little bit after getting off the phone and tried to get me to go back to his house with him. I still told him no and he explained that it would just be easier on both of us if I stayed the night. I still told him no. At this point, I paused. I decided to then tell him something that my dad had just said not too long before he came over to the house. My parents and I had been watching a show together when we couldn't find the remote. I said that I didn't have the controler and my dad commented something that was rough to realize, but true. He said, "But I thought (ex husband) had it". I told my ex about that and he got mad and stormed off after/while still verbally letting me know how unhappy he was. So he drove off a little after 10:10pm.
Not too long passed before he starts calling me left and right and texting me, cursing at me, and calling me names and wanting an apology. He called a grand total of 55 times from 10:12pm-11:41pm (but of course, "he" isnt the controlling one, "I" am) ... In between that time, he texted .. a lot. He also messaged me on social media and stupid me decided to answer back. I told him that I wasn't going to have any of his attitude, so I blocked him from messaging me there too. He called my dad once. Then he threatens to come back over to the house so we can finish our conversation if I don't pick up the phone. Well, I didn't pick up the phone and I had blocked his number from fullish calling through.
My parents and I were still in the living room talking and my dad suggested that my mom and I get a hotel room so he can't bother us. He also suggested turning all the lights out in case he did come over. So in the dark, I gathered something from my purse and sure enough, my ex parked right across from our driveway. We all just sat down on the couches and chairs and tried to be quiet. I am literally in my chair in a fetal position .. crying. My heart is racing and I am silently praying that God would keep us safe and that he would leave us alone. I think it was maybe 10-15 minutes before he finally gave up, I'm not sure. But I was scared that whole time and trying not to breathe or make a sound. At one point I was still crying and I apologized to my parents for putting them through this yet again. I feel like I am no better than my sister at going back to somwthing she insists that she wouldn't go back to. But tonight has shaken me up enough that I am sleeping on the floor in my parents room.
This is what life was like before he changed. This is what I had to endure every time we had an argument and I wanted to go inside and be left alone for a bit. This is how I always lived through our marriage .. scared, walking on eggshells, and knowing that he can't take no for an answer even over the smallest of things. How do you deal with someone who calls you every name in the book and tells you that you are the problem when all you did was say no to something he is known to be very persistent about? It's either say yes, or he guilt trips you into saying yes. It's a lose lose situation. What can you do? How much more can you take? How many more excuses would you make up this time? How have you been able to put yourself in this position yet again? WHY did you put yourself in this situation yet again? Will I ever be free of this worry and hurt? Why have I disobeyed God yet again? Will I ever be able to truly have a clean slate and not look back? Why do I keep failing God as well as my family?
I need to stop hiding in my past and in my worries. What I need to do is to start preparing for my future and what God has in store for me. I need to repent and sin no more. I need fill my life with His everlasting love and let that fill my soul, not someone else. I need to set aside things that will hinder my relationship with Him. I have been trying to stomp that out because I love my ex and I have not been ready to fully let go yet. But I have failed miserably at hiding my excuses. I thought love was enough to help encourage him to become a better man as well as my understanding how to communicate better and all. But while you can try to help someone change, Christ is the only one who can BE that change.
I know I have let people down by admitting all of this, and I truly am sorry. I never intended to do that. I hope I am not looked at differently because of how I struggle with certain things.
Friday, May 12, 2017
My Worry For A Future Life
For many years now, I have dreamed of being a mom. I knew when I was young that I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a godly wife and to be blessed with raising beautiful children and teaching them to love the Lord. This has been my wish and want, but now it has become my plea and my hope.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A Continual Journey Update
It has been quite some time since my last post. But I figured I would come back and start with an update.
The pelvic pain got bad enough to where I needed to look for more answers. My doctor suggested going to a specialist. Then the he told me that he thought the best thing for me would be physical therapy. I thought he was making a mistake by suggesting that for my kind of problem. How in the world could that help? Well, it did! I have been free of that pain for a whole year! I have started to feel the pain again, but I know how to keep doing the exercises that the therapist taught me. And maybe this time, I will continue to do them so my muscles can keep getting stronger.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
A Continual Journey
Sometimes it seems like when you think you have your life under control, you find out in some way or another that you don't. It doesn't take a lot to bring you down a step or two from where you have been and what you have been striving for.
For a couple of years now, I have been having what was thought to be ovarian cyst pain, but lately the pain has gotten a lot worse. I went to my doctor last year and he couldn't see anything Gynecologically wrong but decided to do laproscopic surgery just to make sure. The only thing he saw during that was scar tissue from my major abdominal surgery back in 2009. They had taken a good bit of that down but it didn't work. A year after the surgery (just a month ago), I went back to see him since the pain was getting worse. They did another ultrasound which was excruciating in and of itself, but resulted in no findings.
My doctor had been thinking all along that this wasn't a GYN issue, so he referred me to a general surgeon to see what he could come up with. This doctor was not very personal until he started to read what all the surgeons had to do to help stitch me up in 2009 from my suicide attempt. He kept silent while reading for a good 10 plus minutes. He said that things were quite extensive and that I am very lucky to be alive through such an ordeal let alone all the work they had to do to fix me. But even with that, he believed my explanations to questions were returning him back to the Gynecological aspect.
So I went back to him and he told me that he really didn't know where else to go from here except to refer me to a Pelvic Pain Specialist. He said that if anything doesn't fit into his category of help, then this person is the next person to go to. I have an appointment with this doctor in a month.
My pain has been so excruciating for the past week or two that I burst into tears while my parents and I were out at dinner and I was even about to ask them to take me to the ER. I know that I can't get time off from work right now that that's not a good idea so I have tried to bear it as best as I can.
Then today came around. I have held on to this pain to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. My body feels like it's giving up and cracking down. I can feel it breaking down on me. I can't hold a lot in my bladder without busting. I want food but when I go to get some, it's like my body is saying that it's so tired that it take anything right now. Today, even getting out of bed was a chore. I feel like a part of my life force has been drained from my body. All I can do is crawl into a fetal position and stay there until I fall asleep if I can even sleep that night. I am just so exhausted that I have even been forgetting things at work. I have to redo things a couple times over just to make sure I did it right. My body is breaking and there's nothing I can really do about it for a whole month. But I know that God is still good. He is with me even if I do go down a couple of notched from where I was. This is just a continuous fighting battle that I know I cannot win on my own. But with God, all things are possible and only He can give me peace.
For a couple of years now, I have been having what was thought to be ovarian cyst pain, but lately the pain has gotten a lot worse. I went to my doctor last year and he couldn't see anything Gynecologically wrong but decided to do laproscopic surgery just to make sure. The only thing he saw during that was scar tissue from my major abdominal surgery back in 2009. They had taken a good bit of that down but it didn't work. A year after the surgery (just a month ago), I went back to see him since the pain was getting worse. They did another ultrasound which was excruciating in and of itself, but resulted in no findings.
My doctor had been thinking all along that this wasn't a GYN issue, so he referred me to a general surgeon to see what he could come up with. This doctor was not very personal until he started to read what all the surgeons had to do to help stitch me up in 2009 from my suicide attempt. He kept silent while reading for a good 10 plus minutes. He said that things were quite extensive and that I am very lucky to be alive through such an ordeal let alone all the work they had to do to fix me. But even with that, he believed my explanations to questions were returning him back to the Gynecological aspect.
So I went back to him and he told me that he really didn't know where else to go from here except to refer me to a Pelvic Pain Specialist. He said that if anything doesn't fit into his category of help, then this person is the next person to go to. I have an appointment with this doctor in a month.
My pain has been so excruciating for the past week or two that I burst into tears while my parents and I were out at dinner and I was even about to ask them to take me to the ER. I know that I can't get time off from work right now that that's not a good idea so I have tried to bear it as best as I can.
Then today came around. I have held on to this pain to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. My body feels like it's giving up and cracking down. I can feel it breaking down on me. I can't hold a lot in my bladder without busting. I want food but when I go to get some, it's like my body is saying that it's so tired that it take anything right now. Today, even getting out of bed was a chore. I feel like a part of my life force has been drained from my body. All I can do is crawl into a fetal position and stay there until I fall asleep if I can even sleep that night. I am just so exhausted that I have even been forgetting things at work. I have to redo things a couple times over just to make sure I did it right. My body is breaking and there's nothing I can really do about it for a whole month. But I know that God is still good. He is with me even if I do go down a couple of notched from where I was. This is just a continuous fighting battle that I know I cannot win on my own. But with God, all things are possible and only He can give me peace.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Finally Getting Somewhere
I have not felt like writing much lately because I have needed to deal with things on my own. But I have gotten to a good point in life that I never thought would be possible.
Sometime last week, I got curious and decided to look up my ex fiancee and see how he is doing. He had posted a picture of his girlfriend on top of his truck and you know what? I was truly happy to see him happy. That was the first time I didn't cry when I saw his picture or him with his girlfriend. he had finally forgiven me in August for everything that I had done and that weight was off my shoulders. But the main issue was me learning to forgive myself.
When you can see a picture of your ex with someone else and you smile, you know you have come a long way. Forgiving myself seriously has been the hardest part but I am getting there. I have made a lot of progress and that means a great deal to me. I feel like I can finally live my life and not drown myself in my past mistakes. I still love him very very much, and I know I always will. But I can look at him and be happy to see him happy. :) I love that man with all my heart and now I can be thankful that he has found someone who can make him just as happy as we used to be. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be truly happy again. And while it pained me to see that he was on the healing track, I am so glad he isn't hurting and isn't letting the past get in his way.
Sometime last week, I got curious and decided to look up my ex fiancee and see how he is doing. He had posted a picture of his girlfriend on top of his truck and you know what? I was truly happy to see him happy. That was the first time I didn't cry when I saw his picture or him with his girlfriend. he had finally forgiven me in August for everything that I had done and that weight was off my shoulders. But the main issue was me learning to forgive myself.
When you can see a picture of your ex with someone else and you smile, you know you have come a long way. Forgiving myself seriously has been the hardest part but I am getting there. I have made a lot of progress and that means a great deal to me. I feel like I can finally live my life and not drown myself in my past mistakes. I still love him very very much, and I know I always will. But I can look at him and be happy to see him happy. :) I love that man with all my heart and now I can be thankful that he has found someone who can make him just as happy as we used to be. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be truly happy again. And while it pained me to see that he was on the healing track, I am so glad he isn't hurting and isn't letting the past get in his way.
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Real 50 Shades
Just to start off, I was hoping not to do a blog on this certain topic since it is so touchy. It makes me I'll just thinking about it. But since it is what all the hoopla is about, I shall put forth my very humble and just opinion on it.
Everyone has heard of the "erotic" book turned movie 50 Shades Of Grey, specially since it came out over Valentine's Day weekend. The first time I had heard of it was when my sister had gotten the books to review and she wanted me to know what all the hype was about. Me, however, I just wanted to cleanse myself from all of the sinful behavior and lust that was occurring even in the short passages she read me. I tried to brush it off of my shoulder after that.
That was a couple of years ago. But then I heard that they were making it into a movie. Okay, that's even more nauseating. A porn book made into a movie with ONLY an R rating. That means that 17 year olds can see this without a parent present. How disastrous is that idea, ladies and gentlemen? A movie about lust, coveting, mananipulation, and fear ... but the main female finds that to be attractive somehow.
I have not, I repeat, I have NOT read the books nor have I seen the movie. I have, however, read some excerpts. The ones I had read, made me so nauseous and so shook up because it reminded me of the way I was abused by my former husband. The anger, the manipulation, the fear. how is that a love story?
To answer that last question, it isn't. The two main characters lust after each other and have premarital sex WAY before they even fall in love. A love story is supposed to consist more of the love chemistry between two characters and what they have to go through, not about the details before it happens like this.
Then there is the issue of BDSM. For those of you who do not know, that stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism." Now, to the contrary of what most people think; this is not just a kinky way to have sex. It is a lifestyle That spreads beyond the closed doors of the bedroom. It lurks into every aspect of people's lives and diminishes who they are. People get hooked so quick that that is who they become. Then the abuse goes further.
I know. I know. Some of you are thinking that sex play is not abuse. But what you have to understand is that they go hand in hand on this one. On one side, you have someone who is a willing participant. On the other, you have someone who is not. Other than that, the is no difference. The poor treatment is the same and the sinful nature and satanic lifestyle is the same.
I have even had some "Christian" friends going to see it not just once, but multiple times! I employ you to think for a second here. If you can read these kinds of porn a graphic books and watch the movies with a clean conscience and with no conviction of the Holy Spirit, I think God is the One who needs your full and undivided attention. If you can watch those things and not be disgusted or nauseated without crying afterward and begging for God to wipe that away from His sight, you need to rethink your relationship with God and get on track. For those movies are certainly far from what God deems good and acceptable in ANY person's life, Christian or not.
Everyone has heard of the "erotic" book turned movie 50 Shades Of Grey, specially since it came out over Valentine's Day weekend. The first time I had heard of it was when my sister had gotten the books to review and she wanted me to know what all the hype was about. Me, however, I just wanted to cleanse myself from all of the sinful behavior and lust that was occurring even in the short passages she read me. I tried to brush it off of my shoulder after that.
That was a couple of years ago. But then I heard that they were making it into a movie. Okay, that's even more nauseating. A porn book made into a movie with ONLY an R rating. That means that 17 year olds can see this without a parent present. How disastrous is that idea, ladies and gentlemen? A movie about lust, coveting, mananipulation, and fear ... but the main female finds that to be attractive somehow.
I have not, I repeat, I have NOT read the books nor have I seen the movie. I have, however, read some excerpts. The ones I had read, made me so nauseous and so shook up because it reminded me of the way I was abused by my former husband. The anger, the manipulation, the fear. how is that a love story?
To answer that last question, it isn't. The two main characters lust after each other and have premarital sex WAY before they even fall in love. A love story is supposed to consist more of the love chemistry between two characters and what they have to go through, not about the details before it happens like this.
Then there is the issue of BDSM. For those of you who do not know, that stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism." Now, to the contrary of what most people think; this is not just a kinky way to have sex. It is a lifestyle That spreads beyond the closed doors of the bedroom. It lurks into every aspect of people's lives and diminishes who they are. People get hooked so quick that that is who they become. Then the abuse goes further.
I know. I know. Some of you are thinking that sex play is not abuse. But what you have to understand is that they go hand in hand on this one. On one side, you have someone who is a willing participant. On the other, you have someone who is not. Other than that, the is no difference. The poor treatment is the same and the sinful nature and satanic lifestyle is the same.
I have even had some "Christian" friends going to see it not just once, but multiple times! I employ you to think for a second here. If you can read these kinds of porn a graphic books and watch the movies with a clean conscience and with no conviction of the Holy Spirit, I think God is the One who needs your full and undivided attention. If you can watch those things and not be disgusted or nauseated without crying afterward and begging for God to wipe that away from His sight, you need to rethink your relationship with God and get on track. For those movies are certainly far from what God deems good and acceptable in ANY person's life, Christian or not.
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