When you finally get out of a toxic relationship, you think you are golden. You feel like a huge burden is lifted off of your shoulders and that your life will finally flourish even if it takes years. While that is true, there is a bit more to some people's realities than others.
I thought I was lucky enough to not be too damaged even though I knew I was. But at least I wasn't going mental or needing all kinds of therapy or doctor visits to help bones heal. While I am luckier than most, things started happening little at a time throughout the years.
A couple of years ago, my parents signed us all up for a self defense class that the county was holding. I was so excited about therapy his class since I knew I needed to have this experience just in case I needed it in the future. What I realized after about 10 minutes of starting the class was that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Watching the instructors act out scenarioa put me in such a panic that I had to go outside to cry and shake it out. Needless to say, I didn't go back inside. It brought back so many bad memories that I just wanted to go away and never remember again.
Last year, my mom and I were watching a movie that I didn't think would be rough on me. Well I was wrong. There was some abuse in it and I ended up breaking into a shaking and crying fit in my corner chair. That same feeling happened when my ex husband had waited outside of our house one time. I ended up sleeping in a hotel room that night.
But then within the past year, my mind has been working too much and I end up having episodes at work to where I can barely focus and I have to excuse myself to the lobby to calm down. That is where I have finally realized that I need to see a doctor about this to see if it is PTSD.
I had no idea where to even begin. I had gone to my Primary Care Physician and she said that I would need a Psychologist. I looked online, found one and made an appointment. I saw him yesterday for the second time and it was a rough time. I ended up crying and telling him how exactly these episodes effect me and why. He wants to refer me to a trauma specialist since he thinks that would benefit me and my situation more.
So here I am. I am ready to heal myself mentally and emotionally even if it will be a tough journey. I am quite scared to open everything up and let it pour out, but it seems like that's exactly what I need. So please be in prayer for me as I go through this. And if you are going through this, I highly recommend trying to see someone as well. It does not do well to try to hide it all and toss it away without learning to deal with it. But I am here with you in this journey and in prayer.
Friday, September 27, 2019
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Just Another Cycle
There are times in life where you feel like you have made progress or that someone extra special to you has made progress in their life journey, and you are happy with where you are. But then at other times, things come around full circle. Again and again and again. You have seen this same thing in the exact same spot. You've been here before. The place where "here" is scares you and leaves you crying inside. You are shaking. You are cold. Not that you look it on the outside because everyone else would know that something is wrong and you are tired of making stuff up to avoid more questions. Either that or you are ashamed of being in the exact same spot that you had been yet had gotten out of .. until something ropes you in again.
One minute he threatens to hit you if you say another word and then a couple of hours later he is saying that he loves you. This is the journey that has been your life for eight years or so. You start crying and he gets pissed because he doesn't think he's the bad guy and because "you" are the one who is overreacting. But no ... you later go home and cry to yourself because you have been in this situation way too many times and you have been tired of it. I mean, it's why you divorced the guy in the first place, right? He belittles you calling you stupid and whatever explicit word he decides fits into his mind frame at the time. This is the life you had promised to leave behind. For good.
But then something happens to change your life and things are brought back together. You feel lost. He is all that is left of your daughter. The woman who just died was like a mother to the both of you and she is pretty much the only one who really wanted ya'll to make things work out. So it is worth another try ... right?
The sooner you realize how easy it is to get stuck in the pit that you had victoriously gotten out of, the sooner you will understand why it is so important to stay away from anyone who is even remotely near that pit of despair. The hopes and dreams you find yourself having will start to be the only thing that you want to work towards while they will either bring you down or won't say a single word about it but instead will praise himself and make himself the center of attention. Don't try to make excuses for acting "ok" with being treated this way. It is no way to live, not only for you but for the other person as well. They may be pushing you into that pit, but that just means that they themselves live there for one reason or another. They need help out too. However, that is a journey that they need to make on their own merit, with or without you beside them trying to encourage them. They are responsible for their own words and actions. Not you. You are responsible for your own.
My point is, don't keep yourself in this constant circle of manipulation and let downs because it will only continue on and possibly get worse. The cycle is not easy to break nor is it easy to heal from, but it is worth every tear and every lost memory that you can let go of. Your heart and mind will be lighter, your steps won't feel as heavy, and you will find a new excitement in your future. You will have accomplished something far more than getting out of a bad relationship. You will have defeated the very demons that kept a noose around your heart. You will have broken the chains that kept you from being truly happy without wondering when the next blowup would be. You will be able to breathe the free air again. And it will hurt at first .. but after you get used to it, there will be beauty in the smile that you can finally wear with confidence, not with uncertainty.
So for all of you reading this, please don't be like me who is constantly worrying about what others think of you. Don't keep falling for a guy who has so much anger and hatred in his life that he ignores it even when he catches himself doing it all over again. Don't put yourself through hell just so you can have some taste of Heaven whether it be a little or a lot. But most importantly, don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. No one deserves to be yelled and cursed at. That's not life. That's a form of slavery. Be courageous, be careful, and be willing to walk away when necessary.
One minute he threatens to hit you if you say another word and then a couple of hours later he is saying that he loves you. This is the journey that has been your life for eight years or so. You start crying and he gets pissed because he doesn't think he's the bad guy and because "you" are the one who is overreacting. But no ... you later go home and cry to yourself because you have been in this situation way too many times and you have been tired of it. I mean, it's why you divorced the guy in the first place, right? He belittles you calling you stupid and whatever explicit word he decides fits into his mind frame at the time. This is the life you had promised to leave behind. For good.
But then something happens to change your life and things are brought back together. You feel lost. He is all that is left of your daughter. The woman who just died was like a mother to the both of you and she is pretty much the only one who really wanted ya'll to make things work out. So it is worth another try ... right?
The sooner you realize how easy it is to get stuck in the pit that you had victoriously gotten out of, the sooner you will understand why it is so important to stay away from anyone who is even remotely near that pit of despair. The hopes and dreams you find yourself having will start to be the only thing that you want to work towards while they will either bring you down or won't say a single word about it but instead will praise himself and make himself the center of attention. Don't try to make excuses for acting "ok" with being treated this way. It is no way to live, not only for you but for the other person as well. They may be pushing you into that pit, but that just means that they themselves live there for one reason or another. They need help out too. However, that is a journey that they need to make on their own merit, with or without you beside them trying to encourage them. They are responsible for their own words and actions. Not you. You are responsible for your own.
My point is, don't keep yourself in this constant circle of manipulation and let downs because it will only continue on and possibly get worse. The cycle is not easy to break nor is it easy to heal from, but it is worth every tear and every lost memory that you can let go of. Your heart and mind will be lighter, your steps won't feel as heavy, and you will find a new excitement in your future. You will have accomplished something far more than getting out of a bad relationship. You will have defeated the very demons that kept a noose around your heart. You will have broken the chains that kept you from being truly happy without wondering when the next blowup would be. You will be able to breathe the free air again. And it will hurt at first .. but after you get used to it, there will be beauty in the smile that you can finally wear with confidence, not with uncertainty.
So for all of you reading this, please don't be like me who is constantly worrying about what others think of you. Don't keep falling for a guy who has so much anger and hatred in his life that he ignores it even when he catches himself doing it all over again. Don't put yourself through hell just so you can have some taste of Heaven whether it be a little or a lot. But most importantly, don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. No one deserves to be yelled and cursed at. That's not life. That's a form of slavery. Be courageous, be careful, and be willing to walk away when necessary.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Forgiveness
Anger. Hurt. Hate. Guilt. These are things that can swallow us whole if we let them. They can keep us from being the people we once were before the circumstances that led to those feelings happened to us. For me, it has been all of that combined.
I was 16 years old when someone decided to take advantage of my naivety. I was 16 when someone took advantage of my bodily innocense which was something precious to me that I can never get back. But maybe I deserved that for being so stupid and gullible.
I am still not ready to talk about it in detail for all to read, but I am willing to share a breakthrough in my healing process. I even feel like sharing "this" makes me more vulnerable because it is still a constant battle to deal with.
I didn't say anything to anyone for a whole year. Imagine that .. keeping such a secret hidden away from everyone you wanted to cry and bury your head in to. Realizing what had happened to you and needing to keep it secret for the sake of yourself and others. Looking over your shoulder to make sure you aren't being watched to see if you slip up. Crying while you are in the shower because you can't cry in front of anyone and because you feel so filthy. You start hating yourself for letting something like that happen. You hate the way you look because all you can see is someone who is dirty and stupid. You start cutting yourself because it is easier to feel the physical pain than the emotional pain. You freak out when you hear someone who sounds like him. You keep reminding yourself that you could have done things differently to prevent it from happening.
But after keeping it hidden for a little while, I tried to become immune to the devestation it caused me. I pushed it into the back of my mind and tried everything I could to forget it even happened. I felt like maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away and I wouldn't remember. That never happened but it was a good try.
I had finally told someone after a whole year of keeping it in. But that also made things worse emotionally. I had to tell what happened over and over. I had to tell my fiance that his own cousin did this to me. I had to explain to the cops why I hadn't come forward. I had to deal with my parents views and opions on the situation. I had to deal with my classmates either helping me wallow in pity or bashing me and making fun of me because they thought I was lying.
Ten years have passed since that happened to me. I have still tried to keep it all at the very back of my mind hoping it will be buried deep enough to never have it come up again. But it does. I still have nightmares at times but at least I don't constantly look over my shoulder anymore.
But that also means that I have had ten years to keep and build up anger and hatred towards the man who did this. It's like I have a scratch on my heart that scabs over, and when I scratch it again, it reopens.
But I think I am ready for all of that to change. I want to let go of the things that are poisonous to my wellbeing and relationship with the Lord. I have been praying about this for a little while and I feel that it is very necessary (as well as commanded) to forgive those who have done you wrong. In order for me to move on, I have got to learn to deal with this appropriately which happens to include forgiving my rapist. I also need to learn to forgive myself.
You cannot stay in the past and expect to be able to move forward with your life in a positive way if you still have those lingering and deep rooted issues roaming about. In one way or another, it will warp your mind and make you a slave to your own memories and emotions. Trust me, you do not want it to become like that.
Forgiving the man who has helped poison my life is one of the biggest steps I am about to take. I am scared to finally try to let go of all of the anger but I am ready for the peace that comes after one let's go of such things. So I would ask anyone who is ready this to please pray for me as I learn to forgive such a deed carried out by a lost man and how to truly heal from all of this. May God be glorified in my decision to be obedient in learning AND acting out true forgiveness. I am ready to let go!
I was 16 years old when someone decided to take advantage of my naivety. I was 16 when someone took advantage of my bodily innocense which was something precious to me that I can never get back. But maybe I deserved that for being so stupid and gullible.
I am still not ready to talk about it in detail for all to read, but I am willing to share a breakthrough in my healing process. I even feel like sharing "this" makes me more vulnerable because it is still a constant battle to deal with.
I didn't say anything to anyone for a whole year. Imagine that .. keeping such a secret hidden away from everyone you wanted to cry and bury your head in to. Realizing what had happened to you and needing to keep it secret for the sake of yourself and others. Looking over your shoulder to make sure you aren't being watched to see if you slip up. Crying while you are in the shower because you can't cry in front of anyone and because you feel so filthy. You start hating yourself for letting something like that happen. You hate the way you look because all you can see is someone who is dirty and stupid. You start cutting yourself because it is easier to feel the physical pain than the emotional pain. You freak out when you hear someone who sounds like him. You keep reminding yourself that you could have done things differently to prevent it from happening.
But after keeping it hidden for a little while, I tried to become immune to the devestation it caused me. I pushed it into the back of my mind and tried everything I could to forget it even happened. I felt like maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away and I wouldn't remember. That never happened but it was a good try.
I had finally told someone after a whole year of keeping it in. But that also made things worse emotionally. I had to tell what happened over and over. I had to tell my fiance that his own cousin did this to me. I had to explain to the cops why I hadn't come forward. I had to deal with my parents views and opions on the situation. I had to deal with my classmates either helping me wallow in pity or bashing me and making fun of me because they thought I was lying.
Ten years have passed since that happened to me. I have still tried to keep it all at the very back of my mind hoping it will be buried deep enough to never have it come up again. But it does. I still have nightmares at times but at least I don't constantly look over my shoulder anymore.
But that also means that I have had ten years to keep and build up anger and hatred towards the man who did this. It's like I have a scratch on my heart that scabs over, and when I scratch it again, it reopens.
But I think I am ready for all of that to change. I want to let go of the things that are poisonous to my wellbeing and relationship with the Lord. I have been praying about this for a little while and I feel that it is very necessary (as well as commanded) to forgive those who have done you wrong. In order for me to move on, I have got to learn to deal with this appropriately which happens to include forgiving my rapist. I also need to learn to forgive myself.
You cannot stay in the past and expect to be able to move forward with your life in a positive way if you still have those lingering and deep rooted issues roaming about. In one way or another, it will warp your mind and make you a slave to your own memories and emotions. Trust me, you do not want it to become like that.
Forgiving the man who has helped poison my life is one of the biggest steps I am about to take. I am scared to finally try to let go of all of the anger but I am ready for the peace that comes after one let's go of such things. So I would ask anyone who is ready this to please pray for me as I learn to forgive such a deed carried out by a lost man and how to truly heal from all of this. May God be glorified in my decision to be obedient in learning AND acting out true forgiveness. I am ready to let go!
Monday, July 3, 2017
Crumbling
"Don't come back." . . . Those are three of the hardest words I have ever had to say.
The feeling you have when you are so confident in needing to say it is not too bad except feeling nauseous because you know you don't want to do it. On the other hand, the feeling you have after you say is a lot more devestating. It leaves you feeling empty and numb as first where you don't know how to feel. After a couple of days, the tears finally show up. You try to keep as busy and focused as possible at work but your eyes water a good couple of times. You may even need to excuse yourself so you can cry to yourself in the bathroom so no one will see you and ask if you are okay. When you get home, you try so hard to not let your parents see how hurt you are so they can just assume you are okay. But then later at night, you just ... burst.
My daughter is dead and now I had to say good-bye to her father. The guy I have loved for almost 8 years. The man who hurt me, cheated on me, bashed me, and made me feel as worthless as possible; yet he also made me love our daughter so much more, gave us both a way to cope with her loss, made me love him more just by watching him play with other kids, made me question whether I gave up too soon on our marriage or not, and made me fall in love with him even more afterwards. That toxic relationship we had could not be covered even if we both tried. No relationship is easy but ours never was .. not even a little bit. I was too serious, he was too immature. I was too territorial, he was a cheater. I assumed things instead of asking about them, he had anger issues that escalated quickly and fiercely. I wanted a place of our own, he was comfortable staying with his parents. I wanted to be financially stable, he wanted to spend money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. I worked all but one year because of health issues, he worked for only one year other than the Marine Corps reserves. I wanted loyal love and affection, he wanted sex and fun. I wanted Christ, he wanted his own life to live. I wanted closeness, he wanted adventure. I wanted encouragement, he wanted someone to stroke his ego. I wanted to be responsible, he wanted to play. I made ultimatums, he didn't care. I was hurting, he was angry.
Our life was not easy and that was both of our faults. He had major issues that were obvious when mine were ones that I didn't even notice until after the divorce when we were actually able to calmly talk about our problems. Little by little, I tried to change my way of thinking and how I reacted to things and how I communicated. He changed drastically after getting out of jail and I saw a difference from the start. I made sure I told him of how proud I was of him and tried to encourage him to keep it up. He got me to laugh more and to not be as serious. He showed me love like I had wished for our whole marriage and I fell in love with him more deeply than I ever thought possible of someone who had hurt me so bad in so many ways. We wwre happy, even if we were just friends and trying to figure out what was what.
While most things seem like they had vanished and blossoms sprouted, there were some cases where I could tell that he still had anger inside of him. His road rage was still to the point where I was afraid to be in the vehicle with him, he almost threw one of his dad's oxygen tanks at his mom, and he was slowly becomin controling again here and there.
And then there was me. I had told myself that we couldn't be together again, but I wanted to still be here for him and help him become the man I knew he could be. So we stayed in contact. He and another woman grew to be even closer friends and at first I didn't care, but knowing how Bobby still loved me and I him, it made me remember even more that this woman had tried to interfere even when we were still married. I dispised her for a while but now it was clear that even though I still had his heart, she was going to put it in my face. But then again, he let her. He was starting to lie to me all over again and I tried to hide my hurt and anger, but I couldn't. We didn't talk for a little while and then we were fine after I had to get over the fact that he was going to allow others to cause problems for us whether it be as friends or more. He wouldn't stand up for me and our relationship except to say to get over it .. on both her side as well as mine. He would still do things with her that he would normally only do with me, but I knew I had to deal with it and get over it. I knew something was going on between them but he would still deny it to this day. She had a daughter that he was doting on more than he should have, but I had to cringe and bear it. He was taking her trick or treating, bringing her soup when she was sick, and making her a Christmas stocking .... and I was made to sit on the sidelines and bawl my eyes out because she has a living daughter that he can be around while the child that we concieved together is dead. My hands and arms are empty while he had someone to hug and to share those memories with. That made it all hurt so much more.
After some time, I would push a bit and she and I both had enough. She knew that he loved me and that she would finally back off, even though she didn't know how to for a while. But things ended fine right before Christmas and she and I even apologized for our behaviors. Bobby and I had gotten even better after that.
But things still didn't always feel right when he really wanted me to do something. He would push things to the point where I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to stay home and be by myself. But within the last week or two, it seems like he stayed angry and stressed all the time again. But this time, that I know of, it wasn't my fault.
And then Friday night came and that's where I had to call it quits. I had told him after we kept close that if he treated me like he used to, I was going to have to let him go and he would have to let me walk out of his life. Friday night was that unfortunate time. When you are being called every horrid name that you should never ever be called for any reason, you know you need to leave. I was called the "B" word and the"C" word with plenty of "F"s mixed all around them. I had lived like that before and I didn't plan on doing it again. I know that some people will find that hard to swallow, but the reality is that some people actually do have this kind of vocabulary.
I love Bobby more than I can even explain and I am crying my eyes out just typing this. I truly do love him with all my heart, more than I ever thought possible. But I know that we are not meant to be together for many reasons. We both have someone out there who were made for us specifically. It hurts to know that after all of these years, I have to hurt some more and have such heartache. I don't have my daughter to love on, and now I no longer have her dad to hug or cry on either. Our family is officially broken and it hurts so bad. I am on my own and I am alone. And I don't know how to deal with such sorrow and loss when my heart loves them and wants us to be a family so much.
The feeling you have when you are so confident in needing to say it is not too bad except feeling nauseous because you know you don't want to do it. On the other hand, the feeling you have after you say is a lot more devestating. It leaves you feeling empty and numb as first where you don't know how to feel. After a couple of days, the tears finally show up. You try to keep as busy and focused as possible at work but your eyes water a good couple of times. You may even need to excuse yourself so you can cry to yourself in the bathroom so no one will see you and ask if you are okay. When you get home, you try so hard to not let your parents see how hurt you are so they can just assume you are okay. But then later at night, you just ... burst.
My daughter is dead and now I had to say good-bye to her father. The guy I have loved for almost 8 years. The man who hurt me, cheated on me, bashed me, and made me feel as worthless as possible; yet he also made me love our daughter so much more, gave us both a way to cope with her loss, made me love him more just by watching him play with other kids, made me question whether I gave up too soon on our marriage or not, and made me fall in love with him even more afterwards. That toxic relationship we had could not be covered even if we both tried. No relationship is easy but ours never was .. not even a little bit. I was too serious, he was too immature. I was too territorial, he was a cheater. I assumed things instead of asking about them, he had anger issues that escalated quickly and fiercely. I wanted a place of our own, he was comfortable staying with his parents. I wanted to be financially stable, he wanted to spend money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. I worked all but one year because of health issues, he worked for only one year other than the Marine Corps reserves. I wanted loyal love and affection, he wanted sex and fun. I wanted Christ, he wanted his own life to live. I wanted closeness, he wanted adventure. I wanted encouragement, he wanted someone to stroke his ego. I wanted to be responsible, he wanted to play. I made ultimatums, he didn't care. I was hurting, he was angry.
Our life was not easy and that was both of our faults. He had major issues that were obvious when mine were ones that I didn't even notice until after the divorce when we were actually able to calmly talk about our problems. Little by little, I tried to change my way of thinking and how I reacted to things and how I communicated. He changed drastically after getting out of jail and I saw a difference from the start. I made sure I told him of how proud I was of him and tried to encourage him to keep it up. He got me to laugh more and to not be as serious. He showed me love like I had wished for our whole marriage and I fell in love with him more deeply than I ever thought possible of someone who had hurt me so bad in so many ways. We wwre happy, even if we were just friends and trying to figure out what was what.
While most things seem like they had vanished and blossoms sprouted, there were some cases where I could tell that he still had anger inside of him. His road rage was still to the point where I was afraid to be in the vehicle with him, he almost threw one of his dad's oxygen tanks at his mom, and he was slowly becomin controling again here and there.
And then there was me. I had told myself that we couldn't be together again, but I wanted to still be here for him and help him become the man I knew he could be. So we stayed in contact. He and another woman grew to be even closer friends and at first I didn't care, but knowing how Bobby still loved me and I him, it made me remember even more that this woman had tried to interfere even when we were still married. I dispised her for a while but now it was clear that even though I still had his heart, she was going to put it in my face. But then again, he let her. He was starting to lie to me all over again and I tried to hide my hurt and anger, but I couldn't. We didn't talk for a little while and then we were fine after I had to get over the fact that he was going to allow others to cause problems for us whether it be as friends or more. He wouldn't stand up for me and our relationship except to say to get over it .. on both her side as well as mine. He would still do things with her that he would normally only do with me, but I knew I had to deal with it and get over it. I knew something was going on between them but he would still deny it to this day. She had a daughter that he was doting on more than he should have, but I had to cringe and bear it. He was taking her trick or treating, bringing her soup when she was sick, and making her a Christmas stocking .... and I was made to sit on the sidelines and bawl my eyes out because she has a living daughter that he can be around while the child that we concieved together is dead. My hands and arms are empty while he had someone to hug and to share those memories with. That made it all hurt so much more.
After some time, I would push a bit and she and I both had enough. She knew that he loved me and that she would finally back off, even though she didn't know how to for a while. But things ended fine right before Christmas and she and I even apologized for our behaviors. Bobby and I had gotten even better after that.
But things still didn't always feel right when he really wanted me to do something. He would push things to the point where I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to stay home and be by myself. But within the last week or two, it seems like he stayed angry and stressed all the time again. But this time, that I know of, it wasn't my fault.
And then Friday night came and that's where I had to call it quits. I had told him after we kept close that if he treated me like he used to, I was going to have to let him go and he would have to let me walk out of his life. Friday night was that unfortunate time. When you are being called every horrid name that you should never ever be called for any reason, you know you need to leave. I was called the "B" word and the"C" word with plenty of "F"s mixed all around them. I had lived like that before and I didn't plan on doing it again. I know that some people will find that hard to swallow, but the reality is that some people actually do have this kind of vocabulary.
I love Bobby more than I can even explain and I am crying my eyes out just typing this. I truly do love him with all my heart, more than I ever thought possible. But I know that we are not meant to be together for many reasons. We both have someone out there who were made for us specifically. It hurts to know that after all of these years, I have to hurt some more and have such heartache. I don't have my daughter to love on, and now I no longer have her dad to hug or cry on either. Our family is officially broken and it hurts so bad. I am on my own and I am alone. And I don't know how to deal with such sorrow and loss when my heart loves them and wants us to be a family so much.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Falling Back
Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel like you are moving backward in life instead of forward? Have you felt like you have made progress to heal from something but you end up doing something or putting yourself in a position where you might get hurt again and it will undo everything you have been working towards? Tonight is tge night where I have come to that realization. Tonight is a night where I realize that I keep putting myself in bad spots and don't trust on the Lord for what is best for me. I have still loved my ex husband, and we have kept in contact and even thought about trying again. I tried to ignore that idea and just brush it off but I knew deep down that I still loved him and didn't really know how to let go of him. He is the only thing I have left of our daughter. We have gone through so much to just cut contact and everything. These are excuses I made while he made the excuses of "we have been through worse and the worst is over now" kind of thing as well as the idea that love should be enough. But tonight brought back so many emotions and things from the past that were not dead and gone, but were just buried right underneath the surface.
There is a volleyball game out of town that he was going to go to that he wanted me to go to too. He has to be there early in the morning and told me that I should probably gather together some clothes for tomorrow since I would be spending the night. I told him that I wasn't going to be spending the night but that I could just get up early and then meet him at his house and go from there. He came over to my house a little bit after getting off the phone and tried to get me to go back to his house with him. I still told him no and he explained that it would just be easier on both of us if I stayed the night. I still told him no. At this point, I paused. I decided to then tell him something that my dad had just said not too long before he came over to the house. My parents and I had been watching a show together when we couldn't find the remote. I said that I didn't have the controler and my dad commented something that was rough to realize, but true. He said, "But I thought (ex husband) had it". I told my ex about that and he got mad and stormed off after/while still verbally letting me know how unhappy he was. So he drove off a little after 10:10pm.
Not too long passed before he starts calling me left and right and texting me, cursing at me, and calling me names and wanting an apology. He called a grand total of 55 times from 10:12pm-11:41pm (but of course, "he" isnt the controlling one, "I" am) ... In between that time, he texted .. a lot. He also messaged me on social media and stupid me decided to answer back. I told him that I wasn't going to have any of his attitude, so I blocked him from messaging me there too. He called my dad once. Then he threatens to come back over to the house so we can finish our conversation if I don't pick up the phone. Well, I didn't pick up the phone and I had blocked his number from fullish calling through.
My parents and I were still in the living room talking and my dad suggested that my mom and I get a hotel room so he can't bother us. He also suggested turning all the lights out in case he did come over. So in the dark, I gathered something from my purse and sure enough, my ex parked right across from our driveway. We all just sat down on the couches and chairs and tried to be quiet. I am literally in my chair in a fetal position .. crying. My heart is racing and I am silently praying that God would keep us safe and that he would leave us alone. I think it was maybe 10-15 minutes before he finally gave up, I'm not sure. But I was scared that whole time and trying not to breathe or make a sound. At one point I was still crying and I apologized to my parents for putting them through this yet again. I feel like I am no better than my sister at going back to somwthing she insists that she wouldn't go back to. But tonight has shaken me up enough that I am sleeping on the floor in my parents room.
This is what life was like before he changed. This is what I had to endure every time we had an argument and I wanted to go inside and be left alone for a bit. This is how I always lived through our marriage .. scared, walking on eggshells, and knowing that he can't take no for an answer even over the smallest of things. How do you deal with someone who calls you every name in the book and tells you that you are the problem when all you did was say no to something he is known to be very persistent about? It's either say yes, or he guilt trips you into saying yes. It's a lose lose situation. What can you do? How much more can you take? How many more excuses would you make up this time? How have you been able to put yourself in this position yet again? WHY did you put yourself in this situation yet again? Will I ever be free of this worry and hurt? Why have I disobeyed God yet again? Will I ever be able to truly have a clean slate and not look back? Why do I keep failing God as well as my family?
I need to stop hiding in my past and in my worries. What I need to do is to start preparing for my future and what God has in store for me. I need to repent and sin no more. I need fill my life with His everlasting love and let that fill my soul, not someone else. I need to set aside things that will hinder my relationship with Him. I have been trying to stomp that out because I love my ex and I have not been ready to fully let go yet. But I have failed miserably at hiding my excuses. I thought love was enough to help encourage him to become a better man as well as my understanding how to communicate better and all. But while you can try to help someone change, Christ is the only one who can BE that change.
I know I have let people down by admitting all of this, and I truly am sorry. I never intended to do that. I hope I am not looked at differently because of how I struggle with certain things.
There is a volleyball game out of town that he was going to go to that he wanted me to go to too. He has to be there early in the morning and told me that I should probably gather together some clothes for tomorrow since I would be spending the night. I told him that I wasn't going to be spending the night but that I could just get up early and then meet him at his house and go from there. He came over to my house a little bit after getting off the phone and tried to get me to go back to his house with him. I still told him no and he explained that it would just be easier on both of us if I stayed the night. I still told him no. At this point, I paused. I decided to then tell him something that my dad had just said not too long before he came over to the house. My parents and I had been watching a show together when we couldn't find the remote. I said that I didn't have the controler and my dad commented something that was rough to realize, but true. He said, "But I thought (ex husband) had it". I told my ex about that and he got mad and stormed off after/while still verbally letting me know how unhappy he was. So he drove off a little after 10:10pm.
Not too long passed before he starts calling me left and right and texting me, cursing at me, and calling me names and wanting an apology. He called a grand total of 55 times from 10:12pm-11:41pm (but of course, "he" isnt the controlling one, "I" am) ... In between that time, he texted .. a lot. He also messaged me on social media and stupid me decided to answer back. I told him that I wasn't going to have any of his attitude, so I blocked him from messaging me there too. He called my dad once. Then he threatens to come back over to the house so we can finish our conversation if I don't pick up the phone. Well, I didn't pick up the phone and I had blocked his number from fullish calling through.
My parents and I were still in the living room talking and my dad suggested that my mom and I get a hotel room so he can't bother us. He also suggested turning all the lights out in case he did come over. So in the dark, I gathered something from my purse and sure enough, my ex parked right across from our driveway. We all just sat down on the couches and chairs and tried to be quiet. I am literally in my chair in a fetal position .. crying. My heart is racing and I am silently praying that God would keep us safe and that he would leave us alone. I think it was maybe 10-15 minutes before he finally gave up, I'm not sure. But I was scared that whole time and trying not to breathe or make a sound. At one point I was still crying and I apologized to my parents for putting them through this yet again. I feel like I am no better than my sister at going back to somwthing she insists that she wouldn't go back to. But tonight has shaken me up enough that I am sleeping on the floor in my parents room.
This is what life was like before he changed. This is what I had to endure every time we had an argument and I wanted to go inside and be left alone for a bit. This is how I always lived through our marriage .. scared, walking on eggshells, and knowing that he can't take no for an answer even over the smallest of things. How do you deal with someone who calls you every name in the book and tells you that you are the problem when all you did was say no to something he is known to be very persistent about? It's either say yes, or he guilt trips you into saying yes. It's a lose lose situation. What can you do? How much more can you take? How many more excuses would you make up this time? How have you been able to put yourself in this position yet again? WHY did you put yourself in this situation yet again? Will I ever be free of this worry and hurt? Why have I disobeyed God yet again? Will I ever be able to truly have a clean slate and not look back? Why do I keep failing God as well as my family?
I need to stop hiding in my past and in my worries. What I need to do is to start preparing for my future and what God has in store for me. I need to repent and sin no more. I need fill my life with His everlasting love and let that fill my soul, not someone else. I need to set aside things that will hinder my relationship with Him. I have been trying to stomp that out because I love my ex and I have not been ready to fully let go yet. But I have failed miserably at hiding my excuses. I thought love was enough to help encourage him to become a better man as well as my understanding how to communicate better and all. But while you can try to help someone change, Christ is the only one who can BE that change.
I know I have let people down by admitting all of this, and I truly am sorry. I never intended to do that. I hope I am not looked at differently because of how I struggle with certain things.
Friday, May 12, 2017
My Worry For A Future Life
For many years now, I have dreamed of being a mom. I knew when I was young that I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a godly wife and to be blessed with raising beautiful children and teaching them to love the Lord. This has been my wish and want, but now it has become my plea and my hope.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
This is something that I have not really talked about because of wanting to keep this to myself. I am afraid that if I day it outloud, it will be true. I am afraid that if I say it outloud, I will have even more disrespectful and insensitive things said my way. I don't want to speak of it, I don't want to think about it, yet it is my biggest fear.
Before my ex husband and I got married, I had felt .. weird. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, but all I knew is that I felt different. The first thing that I thought was that I needed to take a pregnancy test. (Yes, unfortunately we had been together before we got married. I was in a bad place spiritually and I was rebelling against my parents.) At this point in time, I was living back with my parents for a bit and I don't think we were supposed to be talking because of him being bad for me as well as not respecting my parent's wishes. I don't remember 100% as to what all was going on at that time, because there was a lot. But what I do remember is that my mom was out of state visiting one of her best friends, I was home with my dad and my ex husband (then boyfriend) wasn't with me.
On April 12, 2010 I had extremely bad cramps, which is not unusal for me since I have the same kind of pain that women have when they have endometriosis, but that I remember, I have never actually been told that I 100% have it. But this was definitely different than your normal cramping. This was severe. I was bleeding profusely and it there were some dark clumps to it. I knew at that point that this was definitely labor pains and that I was miscarry in my child. I had taken a pregnancy test that week but it came up negative. I even took a pregnancy test right then and at first it came back negative, but then a second line came up. I broke down. I remember calling my mom on the phone and crying and telling her that I had just miscarried. She felt so bad because she was out of state and not here at home with me6.
I knew how far along I was in my pregnancy. I had concieved on April 1 so I was about 2 weeks or so along yet technically, acording to doctors, I was a month along because of how our bodies deal with a human forming in our wombs. My baby's DNA was already formed so the gender/sex was already determined. The organs were already starting to form. This was my child .. our child .. that we had lost. And I was all alone.
I had told my boyfriend about losing the baby and he didn't really have a reaction. Even after we got married, he told me that I needed to get over it .. that I never really even knew that I was pregnant so why does it even matter? .. And that I was the reason why we couldn't have kids because I would be so worried about having another miscarriage that I would end up having another one anyways and that it would be my fault. I dealt with this all by myself for 2 years.
Two years after we got married, something changed. I broke down one day and told him point blank that it wasn't just my child that died. It was his too. I think that is what helped him understand a little more. He had turned on the TV one day and started watching My Little Pony. He had called me and told me that he was watching it and it was actually good. Later on I could tell that he was getting more into it and then he told me that somehow, he could us us as a little pony family. I started to watch it and sure enough, I could see what he meant. From then on, he uses My Little Pony as a way to cope with our child's death. He started to even draw ponies as more of a reliever. He ended up surprising me with drawing him and myself as ponies, but he also drew our daughter as a pony. ♡ I instantly started to cry. There was so much to this that might seem so little to other people ... but this ... this was something so special and important to me that this is a way that we could connect with each other as well as try to keep the thought of our daughter alive. He even drew something special for me that I eventually got tattooed on my back for her fifth birthday. He also got me a special necklace in her memory.
As the years have gone by, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to him for creating something so special that we could grow together as parents, married or not. But the most important thing is that this was a way to keep Angela alive and for us to love her memory as much as we could. I never would have thought that his way of coping would be so different than mine, but it was. And it became a good way for us to just be together and smile. Even with being divorced now, it is even more important to us to keep her memory alive. It means the world to me that he was able to open up his heart to the fact that he lost someone so special too, but to also help make me realize that he is hurting now too and that this is how he deals with it. So now I try to help him as much as he has helped me. The love that this man has for his daughter makes me so happy, even if we are not together anymore. The way we love her the most is not only by keeping her memory alive but also by still being there for each other.
Both parents hurt when a child is gone too soon, and everyone needs to remember that.
My worries now are of something that other women can relate to. But the circumstances are different. When I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, I would create permanent issues. One of these issues is that I have a lot of scar tissue from the major surgery they had to do in order to save my life. This scar tissue has made me stay in severe pelvic pain but it has gotten better. Every time I go to my doctor, I always ask if there is a possibility that there will be complications with pregnancy in the future either because of the scar tissue, or from being on the birth control pill for as long and constant as I have. I have gotten so many different answers that I have no idea what to think. I am so scared because I want children so bad. But I need to go to a specialist and see what they say. But this has me so worried and scared. So many couples have issues with being able to conceive or carry children to full term. But I am at a spot where I am praying so hard for God to work through me that I will feel His comfort and guidance.
I may say something more later on about this, but I have too many questions with no answers at the moment. The Lord works in ways that we cannot always understand, but I need to remember to trust Him nontheless.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A Continual Journey Update
It has been quite some time since my last post. But I figured I would come back and start with an update.
The pelvic pain got bad enough to where I needed to look for more answers. My doctor suggested going to a specialist. Then the he told me that he thought the best thing for me would be physical therapy. I thought he was making a mistake by suggesting that for my kind of problem. How in the world could that help? Well, it did! I have been free of that pain for a whole year! I have started to feel the pain again, but I know how to keep doing the exercises that the therapist taught me. And maybe this time, I will continue to do them so my muscles can keep getting stronger.
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